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numbness

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I thought i had everything under control...but i guess i havnt.

I dont live with my mum she lives in kent and i live in halifax. She moved there when i was 11, we had a massive row over the past few weeks, I dont like her family never have and never will do infact i dont even talk to them but she often tells me things about it and i have asked her not too, but she didnt listen and after a few years of asking nicely i decided to be harsh and say the only information i wanna know is when they are dead. Now i know this proberbly wasnt the best soultion to the problem and i could have handled it better, But she was soooo mean calling a fat frump and telling to f***k off and stuff like that. Which then lead to us not talking for a few weeks. I didnt send her a mothers day card and i felt soo guilty but soon the guilt just turned into anger for taking there side it was the same when i did live with her, but now we are talking again.

Now we are talking tho i feell so much worse than i did when we wasnt talking, When she said them things my boyfriend said he was horrified that a mother could say those things but i didnt feel anything at all, i used to get upset but i didnt this time. And now i just feel nothing for anything really apart for numbness and anger,

I am struggling to sleep, not really eating and its just getting worse, i just sit there staring not talking when ben is talking to me and his family are talking to its asif i can hear them but i just cannot be bothered to talk. i used to self harm but i dont any more apart from a few times if things really get bad but this time feels soooo different from times before, i stoped because when i first met ben he said as long as you are getting help i will be with you for ever and we have been together for 2 years and he says to me that even if i did go back to self harming all the time he could walk away but i dont wanna take the risk he is the only good thing i have ever had in my life, but there is this voice saying do it do it you know you want tooo but i am fighting sooo hard not to i cannot see a way out.

Apart from going to the docotors i dont know what else to do.

Sorry for this being too long

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs*

    Believe me I know exactly how it feels, although not in the same situation as you this 'numbness' is how I feel now about another situation and my family have always caused me problems.

    It's great that you have a loving boyfriend who you are so happy with, you need to focus on this to help you stop the urges you are having. You don't want to jeoparidse your relationship over this.

    I don't think going to the doctors is such a bad idea TBH. It sounds like your mum says some inappropriate things and why should you not only be on the receiving end but then also feel so numb about it all, that's not fair and you don't deserve it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    re

    Hey ijusthavntmeetyou,

    Sorry to hear things arent great with your mum. Your boyfriend sounds like a great support to you in the past and now.

    It kinda sounds like you have unresolved issues with mum and this is causing all the frustration inside you to build up about what you said to her before mother day and mothers day itself and the aftermath.

    That energy needs to go somewhere. Self harm and the urge to self harm are often linked to feeling a sense of control over a situation or regaining control of something(by self harming)as you dont have control of another situation.

    How would you feel about confronting your mum not in an aggressive way, explaining to her how you feel and that you are frustrated. this may help you gain back a sense of contol of how you feel. Being assertive with feelings and situations like this arent easy and can take time to build up but the end result of feeling empowered and expressing how you feel could help you avoid the old solutions like self harming.

    Let us know how your doing and take care:wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there is no point in confronting her...nothing is ever her fault always someone elses.

    But it doesnt matter now because i didnt self harm and i feel ok now =] i dont know what it was that night i wrote that but its like i know i can talk to ben about any thing but some times he doesnt understand and so he gets fustrated with himself but after i wrote that i felt ok but the following day i felt loads better.

    Me and my mum are talking again but i dont think i will ever be close to her or ever have the mother daughter relationship you should have. I have learnt accept that. Its made me learn what not to be like if i ever have a child so in some ways she has done me a favour =]

    Thank you for you support =]
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