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Suicide (please read this)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I just can't do this anymore I really can't. I want to die :crying:
You know what, it just sounds so stupid doesn't it. But I do, I really do.

I've just had enough of everything. Me and my mum don't get on, nor do me and my dad so I'm stuck I guess. He wants me to apolagize to his wife, but I don't fucking have anything to say sorry for! I hate that women, I really do, and every time I go to theirs we get into arguments. Last time it ended in my going to hospital because I cut myself really bad after. I'm not saying sorry to her, I don't see why I should when I don't mean it! Anyway, I'm not allowed to go up there anymore anyway, because she doesn't want me in her house. She doesn't fucking own the house! It's my dads, she doesn't even have a job! She hasn't had a job since she met him, she quit it straight away. And, my dad cheated on my mum with her before I was born. My mum and my dad were aparantly together till I was two, but I added the dates the other day and he was cheating on my mum with his current wife. Also, I've just found out my mum and dad used to have huge arguments which ended in them smashing things against walls and breaking windows. Me and my dad have fights like that too. He always says it's my fault, and that he's not like it with anyone else. Last time I went to his, while having a fight with his wife, he smashed a window and nearly broke his hand. He always shouts at me, calls me a cunt and a slut. It wouldn't bother me, but it's just the fact he does it to stick up for his wife! She pushed me over, so I called her a slag and pushed her back, and it was MY fault acording to him. I was like, you don't fucking lay your hands on a child anyway! She actually pushed me to the floor, and I honestly hadn't done anything. I changed the song on the CD player, and her fucking daughter started crying so she started a massive argument with me saying I'd made her cry! She always makes her daughter cry anyway! Like, she's been wetting the bed recently (for a couple of months in fact, as I was there at xmas) and when I was there she kept shouting at the kid. Telling her she was being a baby, and putting her on the naughty step for it. The little girl was crying, she's my half sister btw, and anyway she was crying and telling her mum it hurt. I told my dads wife that she might be ill, and she shouted at me she wasnt and just wanted attention and that I should stop interfearing. Turns out, like I said, she's got a really bad bladder infection!! But, has the women said sorry to me for shouting? Nope. And then my dad takes everything to seriosuly, when I saw him this week I started talking about what job I want. I said I'd want to be a homocide detective, or something a long those lines. And he started rambling on about how the police are scum and he would disowen me if I worked for them. Then later in the day, one of the cats in my house killed a bird. He bought it in to show me! And I told him I really didn't want to see it, on the grounds of my veganism, and he took it away. Then he came back and started describing in detail what it looked like! Now, I was crying and nearly sick, and he wouldn't stop. He told me if I wanted to work for the police, I had to be able to look at dead bodies. I pointed out, it is slightly different to that and that I can cope with dead people just not animals killed by my cats!! They tear them apart and it is sickening. But I can deal with dead people, it doesn't bother me as much.
Oh and then there's my mum, she goes really ott about everything and gets into strops. Take yesterday, she has been knitting herself a scalf and was going to sew some sequins on it. Now, I didn't know this anyway! But she lost some thread, and started pulling apart the house to find it. Honestly, like taking all the cushions off the sofa and getting really upset. I suggested she use a different colour, and she shouted that she didn't want to and that she wanted that one, and that I should shut up. So I did.

Anyway, so that's my mum and dad. But then theres me. I've really fucked up my life too. I drink and smoke, and self harm which is just getting worse and worse. I stopped for a couple of weeks, but now I've started again. I burnt my hand, as you might know, and I cut my arms too. I started holding my hand under the taps when they were boiling, just because I wanted to feel something. I just feel so attention seeking, people always tell me I am. I didn't think I was, but everyone says I am. Then, I date older guys. I'm just a slut really aren't I? What kind of 12 year old girl sends pictures to people who are fucking 20 odd. But I only want someone to love me. To be honest, they could be 50 and as long as they still said I was pretty I wouldn't care. I just want someone to love me for who I am because I know no one ever will, just as long as they can pretened I can too. I just want someone to tell me I'm lovely, even if they are a pervert who is lieing. There is one man who I really do love. I was with him for a long long time, and the police know about him too. I've just stopped contact with him, and I miss him so much. But he was sick, the stuff he used to do. It makes me sick thinking about it. But I miss him, I miss him so much, I feel empty without him. I've been throught loads of blokes in the past few months, just because I miss him. There was one I really liked, and I'm sure you can guess who that is, but I don't speak to him anymore. Well, he doesn't speak to me. So, I am alone. I try to cling on to everyone who says I am nice, or whatever. But it isn't the same.

Then there is another guy, who I've known since I was very very young. He is currently 16, 17 in summer, and I am in love with him. I hate him, I comepletly hate him, but there is just something keeping me attached to him. I'd love to just never speak to him again, which should be easy he lives in another country now, but I tried to. I was so unhappy without him. I lost my virginity to him, well I didn't but he was the first person I didn't mind having sex with so I say I did. And he told me he loved me too. But then he said he didn't, as soon as he had to go home (he comes over once a year to see his friends and family) he ditched me. He said we were still friends, but he didn't love me and he was just confused before. That really broke my heart. He was the first, and last, person who I thought ever truely loved me. And he didn't. Why could I be so stupid as to think someone ever would? Of course they wont.

I want a baby, just so someone will be with me. Just so someone will love me. But I can't have one, I know that. I'm too young and wouldn't be able to care for it. But I want one. I just feel that, if I did have one, everything would be alright. I know it wouldn't, but I wish it would. I just want anything that'll make me happy. Even if it's only for a few hours or whatever. I know it's selfish, and stupid and never going to happen. But it's all I've got as hope. Maybe one day I'll have a kid and everything will be okay, but I know that it wont be for a long time. And even if I did have one now, it'd most likely belong to some old bloke. I don't want that, but it's all I've got.

I've been good recently, I really have. I havn't met up with any older men, and I've not be drinking or smoking as much as I used to. In fact, I hardly have at all. And I thought that'd make me happy, but it hasn't it really hasn't. I miss all of that, at least then I had a reason to feel shit. Now I feel shit and there isn't even a reason for it. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die. It seems so apealing, just to sleep forever. But I tried to kill myself before and I can't even do it right. I can't even end my life properaly.

Sorry for that post, I doubt anyone will be able to help.
Broken-Angel x

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't help, but I can tell you I read it all, and that I care that your life is so bad.

    It's not much but I hope it helps just a tiny bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks big gay, it's nice to know someone cares :-)
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I could I'd offer you to stay over for a few days. Reading all this it's no wonder you're struggling as your closest environment doesn't seem very healthy.

    I noticed that you wrote a lot more about your dad and his wife than your mum. How is your relationship with your mum? I know you said she goes ott with things but do you get a long at all at some points? Does she know about any of the stuff you wrote ?
    I know that mums can be scary and domineering but a lot of them are trying so hard to protect their kids and I think many find it intimidating to see their kids become teenagers and it's hard to accept that they are becoming individuals with their own set of opinions. It's a difficult transformation for both parent and kid.
    If you can somehow trust your mum I would suggest you try to tell her (or print this out). Anger/yelling is often fear driven reaction when people find out stuff that doesn't fit how they thought their reality is but I also want to believe that your mother would be on your side. She might need time to think things through and digest the information. Of course I will also add that I don't know her so I could be wrong.
    I personally thought my mom hated me when I was feeling really depressed a few years ago and when I broke down and she found out how I felt (I cried so much I couldn't talk to her but I'll always remember how much her holding me that day meant to me). She didn't know how she personally could help me as but she did what I couldn't do myself and booked an appointment with a psychologist which was the start of my recovery.

    You need to get some support because those feelings you have are too much of a burdern for a single individual. Whether it is a parent, GP, somebody at school or anyone who is in a position to help you. Also take advantage of this website, it may not fix things but being able to write out how you feel can make things a little easier.

    You say you've done things to try to feel better and that in itself shows that you're willing to do things to feel better. That's a sign of a STRONG individual which is something to think about! Trust me, I don't think anyone on this site who has gone through difficulties will tell you that the road to getting better was easy. It's the most straining thing I ever did. That's where personal strength comes to play and from what I read you have that. :thumb:

    Definitely take advantage of people on this site and if you feel it helps you just post away. Your goal should be to take small steps towards finding out if there's something you can do to make life a little more bearable. One step at a time, one weary day at a time. It looks like you've already started by not having met up with older men and drinking/smoking less. You deserve two cheerleaders for taking those steps:
    cheer.gifcheer.gif
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so much of what you have written and described I can relate to loads. My dad is the same. Infact I hate him. You will always be stronger than your dad because you show more emotion that he probably ever will. You deserve better and you are brave to talk about it on here. I read every word you wrote and I think you are very brave.
    Keep your chin up and keep posting and don't die because I know people will miss you. You will find yourself just keep holding on.:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Jaloux and Anna :-)

    My mum and I really don't get on, but I don't know how to explain it on here. It's very complicated.
    I really do feel just like... ugh... at the moment. Normally I can put up with more shit than I am in at the moment, but everything is just catching up with me I think.
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to try to explain it just go ahead, if not I understand. I think the most complicated relationship of all is between mums and daughters. I know that my mum is the only one who dares say exactly what she thinks about me or my actions to my face. I get so mad sometimes. ;)

    Some days are worse than others, I think the trick is to allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel but also be able to chalk it up to just being a bad day and that you'll move on the day after. One bad day doesn't have to mean a thing if you don't want it to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (((hugs)))
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heya, ermmmmm just to try and add to what others have said.

    I can really relate to you... I think I probably found life most difficult when I was your age, and it was at that time that I did tell my my mum what was going on for me. It was really hard.... but I'd say looking back, even though I no longer speak to her about those sort of things (my fault) it was worth it.

    Do you think there is any chance you could talk to her? By no means do you have to tell her everything... I just really think you could do with that little bit more support from someone close by now.

    I know you miss all the stuff that you've tried hard to reduce/stop in your life, but that's normal, and it is great that you've acted in this positive way.

    Sorry you have probably said this somewhere else, but maybe could you just remind me of what sort of help you're getting at the moment?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a mentor at school, but she's only really for school issues (like behaviour etc) and apart from that nothing.
    When I was in hospital they offered my loads of help, but because of my age there was nothing I could have that would of helped.. it was all like play therapy etc.
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeh.... therapy can be good.....I'm in therapy at the minute. Sometimes though you don't always feel it's actually helping or if it is just bringing up issues that don't need to be brought up and can make things worse. At the same time, they are the only ones that will listen and not have something else on their mind or be too busy doing something else. Thats what seems to happen with parents, they want to help but they are always half listening and they have their own lives to deal with. Suddenly you're not a kid anymore and they think that you don't need as many cuddles and kisses but if anything you need more of them. If life gets you down then hold on really tight to a cushion and even bite it. Sounds funny but I did it just the other day and it comforted me for just a little while!!
    :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Broken Angel:wave: ,

    Im sorry to hear how low you are feeling at the moment, You obviously have a lot of things going on in your life at the moment and are finding it hard to make sense of it all.

    I know that you have your school mentor, it may be worth having a chat to them and see if they could signpost you to somebody that you could talk to. Maybe an external counselling/therapy agency for people of your age.

    I have added some information about Self harm , Family and Depression for you too have a look through.

    I hope this has been helpful.
    Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
    Take care.
    B:wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow i have just read and reread your post Broken-Angel, i feel so sad for you i am upset that you feel so hurt and alone, you seem such a nice person always giving good advice to others and holding out a hand of friendship without judging. Your problems make mine seem so small. I wish i could help you i really do, but please just try to stay strong and have faith that your life will improve because it will im sure.
    Dont forget that there are people who care about you, please stay strong.
    "HUGS"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    Wow i have just read and reread your post Broken-Angel, i feel so sad for you i am upset that you feel so hurt and alone, you seem such a nice person always giving good advice to others and holding out a hand of friendship without judging. Your problems make mine seem so small. I wish i could help you i really do, but please just try to stay strong and have faith that your life will improve because it will im sure.
    Dont forget that there are people who care about you, please stay strong.
    "HUGS"

    I agree:)

    Keep going, there's always something to live for, don't give up on yourself :heart:

    xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think my problems are small compared to a lot of people on here, I always feel a little guilty when I post threads like this.

    Anyway, I was in hospital earlier but everything is fine now :-)
    I hope everyone else is okay
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :heart: ******HUGSSSSS******

    your problems aren't small broken angel, considering you have given so much good advise to so many other people on here, I think you deserve to express your feelings aswell. You are so brave :) admire you for your courage
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i care too
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    me too, I care.

    And yes, you are so full of really useful advice it is good you are asking for some too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :yes: i care! and even Mr. Tumbleweed cares! see... (he has an office job now)
    http://img168.imageshack.us/img168/599/tumbleweed.png
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Naun that made me Lol :-) Thanks.

    And thank you guys, it is nice to know people do care about me. Sometimes I just feel so alone, but it is nice to know I'm not.
    *hugs* to all of you
    Xx
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