Headfuck - Help please!

Former Member

Right, so as most of you know...I came out of a pretty serious relationship fairly recently. It's still very hard for me, it hurts every day and I still love her very much....BUT I am getting alot better. I'm slowly moving on, the pain is much more bareable now (most of the time), and I'm coping better with the idea of us no longer being together.

I don't think we'll get back together... I haven't ruled it out completetly as we're still in contact, we both still love eachother and we've arranged to meet up at the start of next month to clear the air a bit. But somehow I don't see it happening. In my heart I'd love to take her back, but I've started making plans for my future now (Uni e.t.c) which don't include her. I'm just coming to terms with it all and I almost feel it's for the best even though she was my world.

Now here comes the tricky part... there's a girl at work who I've been flirting with alot recently. I've always found her attractive and had a bit of a crush on her, even when I wasn't single, but it was more lust than anything. She's also a really nice girl, and since she's known I've been single, I've been getting alot of attention from her and I think it's fair to say that it's obvious to everyone at work that we're attracted to eachother.

I've been thinking of asking her out for a meal or something, but I'm scared that this might just be a re-bound thing. That I'm craving female attention after my break up. I'm not sure if it's fair on her or me if we start dating when I'm still not totally over my ex.

The other problem is that my ex was quite a bit older than me... I had to grow up and mature alot during our relationship, which I'm really thankful to her for. This girl at work is a few years younger than me... I'm not sure I'd be able to handle the difference in maturity...going from an older girlfriend who I lived with for over a year, and who taught me how to cope living away from home and how to be in an adult relationship, to a girl who still lives with her parents and has only been old enough to go out drinking for a short while. Know what I mean??

What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Former Member

Firstly *hugs* And secondly, I really think it'd be easier for you to stop contact with your ex. While you still speak to her, and are still into her, it might make your emotions very mixed up. I don't know why you two split, but from what you posted there I'd say it'd definatly be a lot easier if you could be free to live your life. The way I see it; when a relationship ends you're free again. Hanging around together, when you aren't completly over it, might confuse things a whole lot more. Maybe when you're both with someone, or you've both made a decision you aren't getting back together, you could be friends etc but it might confuse things even more. Having said this, if you do want to be friends with her make sure you know what you want from the friendship. If you could get to a place where you could say to yourself "Actually, I am capable of being just friends." Then I think you probably could be.
As for the girl at work, maybe go for drinks after work before a meal? It seems more casual, and it could be easier that way to get your feelings right in your head.
Good luck :-)
Xx

Former Member

Thanks.
Yeah I know you're right about cutting contact. It's just really hard for both of us... like we lived together and spent pretty much every day of the last 2 years together, so it's really difficult to stop talking completely.
But we do realise it isn't healthy, and we're working on that too... like this is the fourth day in a row now that we haven't spoken lol, I know that seems like nothing but that's probably the longest we've gone without speaking ever since we first met!

We've only met once since we split, and that was the like the day after because it was all so sudden and we both needed answers.
When we meet again, it would have been 2 months since we split, and we've agreed that it's going to be the last time until both of our hearts have healed. It's just to talk face to face about things and get some final questions answered I guess.

As for the girl at work, Ok so I'll carry on the flirting, but I might leave it a couple of weeks and then I'll casually ask her out or something.

Cheers. :thumb:

**helen**

pill 'ed wrote: »

As for the girl at work, Ok so I'll carry on the flirting, but I might leave it a couple of weeks and then I'll casually ask her out or something.

Cheers. :thumb:

Yep, no rush and if you do realise as you get to know each other (even after a date) that she's not your next big love, then that's absolutely fine. As long as you're honest with her and yourself then it's alll good.

But can I just say your original post made me smile a lot You're doing so well 'ed and I think everyone of us could learn a thing or two from your attitude to all of this. :thumb:

Former Member

**Helen** wrote: »

But can I just say your original post made me smile a lot You're doing so well 'ed and I think everyone of us could learn a thing or two from your attitude to all of this. :thumb:

Totally agree - you sound like a lovely guy, it's never easy when long term relationships break down but you've come on so far. Hope things work out with this lady at work

Former Member

I say start sleeping with the new chick. It should help you get over your ex - which it sounds like you need to do.

You're making plans to move on with uni. Keeping moving on and start living your life again without your ex.

Maybe just keep it casual with the new girl and you might get the best of both worlds. :thumb:

Former Member

Calvin wrote: »

I say start sleeping with the new chick. It should help you get over your ex - which it sounds like you need to do.

.....

Maybe just keep it casual with the new girl and you might get the best of both worlds. :thumb:

Is it just me, or is this a contradiction in terms? Personally, I found the OP's approach a great deal more sympathetic and mature.

P.S. to the OP, I don't know how much older your ex was, but since the new girl is, apparently, over 18 I can't think that you would find the age difference between you an issue.

Former Member

Aww thanks guys lol. I probably sound more brave about things than I actually am though.
At least I've learnt alot from this relationship so I won't screw the next one up as much! Ha!

Lol Calvin, thing is mate, I find it hard to keep it casual. I'm like a girl, I get too emotionally attached too quickly! I nearly fell in love with a stripper for fucks sake!

Going to Amsterdam on thursday for my birthday weekend with some mates, hopefully meet a nice Dutch girl, and no I'm not shagging a prostitute.

Former Member

overthehill wrote: »

P.S. to the OP, I don't know how much older your ex was, but since the new girl is, apparently, over 18 I can't think that you would find the age difference between you an issue.

I'm 21 this weekend, this girl at work has recently turned 18 and my ex is 27.
I know, if anything the age difference was bigger and therefore more of an issue with my ex, it's just that's what I'm used to in a girl now...I think I'd find it strange going back to younger women?

Former Member

Time is your best friend here I reckon. If you still feel romantically attatched to your ex, then meeting up with her for the time being is a mistake. I've done it before and it only mixed my emotions, if anything. Still being in love with them and having them right in front of you knowing you're highly unlikely to be together is pretty painful to say the least.

I'm not sure about the 'rebound' thing either. I can understand being keen on hanging out with her, but then again do try 'n proceed with caution. Otherwise, better to think twice before getting in too deep really!

Personally, I feel its better to just focus on rebuilding your life as a singleton for now, not to mention looking forward to Amsterdam.

Former Member

pill 'ed wrote: »

and no I'm not shagging a prostitute.

...You say that now...
Have you ever been before? It's quite hard to aviod the red light district... there are actual red lights though
Xx