Help needed with friend/ ex-boyfriend problems......

Former Member

Hi everyone

I'd really appreciate any advice you could offer me on my situation! Basically, I've been best friends with a guy I've known for several years now. We did originally date for only a weeks but he ended it for personal reasons (he has a lot of problems of his own).

It took me a very long time to get over my feelings for him.....even until recently I was strongly attracted to him still (which he knew) and this has always created difficulties in our friendship.

The problem now is that since I've started to overcome my feelings for him I've begun to realise more and more that he often makes me feel bad about myself and appears to put me down. He is someone that I can talk to about anything though and we do have really great times together......I have told him on several occasions that what he says is hurtful and he does always apologises, yet this still continues to happen. I am quite a shy person anyway so I often find it difficult to be assertive around him.

I'm now at a stage where I'm not sure if I should give him a "last warning" as it were, or end the friendship completely. I have had mixed personal advice about this so far and have already tried having a break from him, but that didn't work. Any advice greatly appreciated!! Thanks!

Former Member

Hi Miss Nevada.

Firstly, I can relate to your experience as I too have had similar dealings with a particular lady friend a few years ago. I had strong feelings for a girl who only ever saw our relationship as a friendship even though we'd have sexual relations, and I'd told her that I wanted more than a friendship. Basically this girl used me as a punchbag and somebody to talk to when she needed it because I was stupid enough to offer the comfort and conversation she needed, in the hope that one day we'd be together. Of course, the more I listened to her and gave her advice, the more the door closed when the tables were turned and I wanted to talk to her about my feelings, to the point where she would really belittle me, insult me and insult both my intelligence and my appearance up to the point where I was in tears sometimes.

My advice to you is simple. No matter how hard it is to be assertive, you would probably find it better for yourself in the long run if you distance yourself from this person. He's using you to listen to as your councillor so to speak, and then emotionally turning it on you by being nasty and hurtful towards you. No matter how much he apologises to you, people like this will never change, because once they know their methods of manipulation are working, they will keep on at it.

If you need to speak about anything, feel free to ask me, and if I'm not clear on anything please say so.

Former Member

Hi Canyonero

Thanks very much for your reply and I'm sorry to hear that you had similiar difficulties in the past. I do relate a lot to many of the things you've said there......it's true that I do often feel like I'm being used as a shoulder to cry on, yet the problem for me is that we spend so much time together and can really enjoy being with each other too (I know that sounds like a cop-out answer).

On the other hand, it's equally true that when I do turn to him for advice he comes across as quite critical of me e.g. "you have to do this, if you were more like that.. etc". Also, whilst in the past he seemed more needy of our friendship I have always had the feeling that I needed it much more than he ever has. Infact he did once reply that this was the case, and that I "need" this friendship where he doesn't.

At the moment I'm trying to work things out in my mind, but your advice has really helped so thanks for that. Just wish there was an easy answer to all of this! Out of interest, can I ask how easy was it to cut the ties with the girl you mentioned? Do you still keep in contact now at all?

Former Member

It's not a cop-out answer at all - I was exactly the same. As much as I hated the heart wrenching crushing feeling I got when something critical was said about me, I still jumped out of my seat at an alrming speed whenever the phone rang and it was her. Talk about glutton for punishment.

The thing is, she'd say stuff to me like "You're really pathetic sometimes - just grow up." or "Get a set" or something like "you need to be like this....do this...say that" and I know it's hypocritical because that's what I'm doing with you now, but instead of being TOLD what to do (like we're being), you simply want advice and conversation without feeling like you're being judged.

As for his comment on you "needing" his friendship, that's a crock. All that is, is him telling you "you need me" and that's a type of emotional bullying, and I only realised all of this AFTER I severed ties with my lady friend.

Cutting ties was difficult for me, but only because I'm a very shy guy with extremely little confidence, so close friends for me are few and far between.

The final straw came when I was asked to look after her son and help her move house. For a whole week I gave up ALL of my free time to help her and her son, and one day her son ran around the new house, fell over and banged his head. She screamed at me for 15 minutes about how it was all my fault. Anyway I stayed friends, but every time I gave advice she'd say something like "yeah I just don't trust you with kids"

So anyway one day I decided to call her, and I told her the truth which was that no matter how much I was (or thought I was) in love with this girl, I wasn't prepared to be the punchbag any longer, and that if she wanted somebody to talk to so much, she should find somebody else, and hope that she learns that she can't treat me the way she did.

I'm not suggesting that's what you do, but that's the particular situation that worked for me. I got a text back about 4 days later saying how she deeply regretted the way she treated me, and had no idea I felt that strongly about her (which is bull, I told her countless times) and all that said to me was that when I was the one helping and giving advice, she was all ears and when I had a problem, I was at fault or it was something about me that was causing it.

I haven't seen or heard from her since, and I'm extremely happy about it.

Let me know how you get on.

Former Member

Woah, there are so many similarities between your situation and mine....I can especially relate to the bit where you said that if you had a problem it was somehow your fault, but when you gave her advice she was all ears. Sounds a lot like my situation too.

I also have a fairly small social circle, which to be honest I was generally quite happy with but he has always made this out to be a big problem. e.g. "you really need to socialise more" and "I'm just trying to help you".

I'm happy to hear that things are much better for you now you've cut ties with her.....I can imagine how tough that must have been at the time though.

It will be a short while yet before I speak to my friend next, which does give me time to decide where to go from here. Given the history between us I had considered giving him a final ultimateum and seeing how he responds to this. I'll keep you posted on what happens or if anything changes and thanks so much once again for all your advice - I really do appreciate it.

Former Member

You've gotta be kidding me. "You've got to socialise more". That's EXACTLY what I was told!

I was told time and time again that I need to get out more, and meet new people, but I didn't really fancy going to bars and clubs on my own just on the off chance that I might "bump into somebody". It just doesn't happen that way in real life.

Just out of curiosity, is your friend older or younger than you?

Former Member

Lol - that's quite uncanny! My friend is a bit older than me and much more extroverted, as he often makes a point of stating. The thing is we do have a lot in common in terms of life experiences and can talk openly about these, which is again why I find it so difficult to analyse the problems in our friendship.

At least I have some time on my side though before I make any decisions about where to go from here - hope I will come up with a solution by the end of this!

Former Member

Exactly what I thought. I'm 22 and my friend was 26, so she used to use the old favourite line of "I've had more life experience than you, therefore I am superior" and like you, she loved to make a point of saying it every time she got a chance to. I think what made our friendship one that led us to talking as much as we did was the fact that we both got bullied in school, and by some freak fluke, we ended up being next door neighbours for a short time.

Like you said, time is on your side, but once you make a decision, stick to it. Don't be talked into changing your mind. I really hope it goes well for you, because like I said it did for me and I feel great. Maybe we should set your friend and my friend up. It seems like they'd get on like a house on fire. They could pick and prod at each other all day lol.

If you have any other questions or need any more advice, feel free to PM me.

Hope all goes well!

Former Member

Thanks once again for that! Your advice has really helped and hopefully when the time comes I'll be confident in the decision I make.

All the best to you too for the future!

Former Member

And yourself