How do you work up the courage to end it?

Former Member

Hi everyone

Wow. Where to begin!

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for just over 6 years now. He is 45 and I am 28.

When we met (21/38) I was going through a very rough time and he was there for me when no one else was. I grew to love him, but I am not sure if I have ever been in love with him. It sounds awful after 6 whole years but that's how I feel. As time has gone on I am certain that I absolutely love and adore him as a person, he makes me laugh, cares for me, respects me, always puts me first etc but that SPARK has always been missing for me. I don't enjoy sex with him either. I have spent the past few years having one hell of a 'headache' every night!! I don't think I am attracted to him physically, it was his kindness, sense of humour and charm that made me fall for him, he is not my type physically at all.

He is still head over heels in love with me even after all this time, and I don't know what to do. I know I need to end it because I am there for all the wrong reasons right now - because he is my best friend, I don't want to hurt him, because he is comfortable, secure, safe. How do I say to him, let's just be friends??! I am scared of so many things, including never finding someone to love me quite like this again, but I know that is the wrong reason to stay. Please help

Former Member

I'm not sure that I can help you, but I do completely empathise with your predicament. Your reasons for getting together with your boyfriend are very similar to those that led me to marry a man 20 years my senior. When we met, I was 24. He was 44. I was lonely. One by one, having finished uni, it seemed like my all friends were going their own way, moving out of town or getting married. Then this witty good-looking guy asked me if I wanted to go on a sailing trip ...

In my eyes, he was sophisticated and glamourous. He loved parties, insisted that I do my hair and make-up and always had a new dress. I thought I loved him. Unfortunately, that was about the sum total of our relationship. The flip side was that he didn't want children and could be unkind, patronising, moody and had a volatile temper. He was no great shakes in bed either and blamed me for not being sexy enough. But I never let any of these things worry me. I was his trophy wife and I still thought I knew was love was and would continue to love him, no matter what.

In my case, my husband was slowly self-destructing due to drink and depression - not that he would have ever admitted a problem. And this is where yours and my stories diverge. For me, the end came quite suddenly. I went away on a course and met another man. I had had a particularly miserable summer and he was contemplating early retirement in a loveless marriage to a woman whose sole ambition was watching daytime TV. We talked late into the night and ended up finishing the conversation in bed. We both assured each other that it was a one-off bit of fun and we wouldn't look each other up when we got home.

Unfortunately, I couldn't stop thinking about my new friend and when a letter arrived from him a couple of weeks later, it sparked off a passionate affair. In the end, I engineered a fierce row with my husband and walked out. I didn't admit the affair until months later when I asked him to give me a divorce. We had been together for 7 years.

I'm not suggesting that you should engineer a row but, for both your sakes, you need to get your feelings out in the open. There will be tears - on both sides - and you may find it difficult to remain "just friends", but it will be for the best in the long run. My 'new' man and I have now been together for 15 years. After I left, my ex stopped drinking and smoking and sorted out his finances. I still joke that it was the best thing I ever did for him.

Former Member

Indeed Headache....
But I know this kind of relationship with growing up between big age gap,sounds like feeling father-and-daughter.
Meanwhile,it's not for sure whether you do really love him or just fancy feeling security with the older
And if it frustrates when you suffer from the sex with this man,talk to him what you feel about, so hard on you, but it'll be the best way in the long run for both of you.
Try to think about what's more important for you, probably losing a firend or having a healty life?
Be honest with yourself and believe yourself and you'll finally work up and restore your confidence with a better one and you deserve a new life