Spoilt brat dilemma!!!

Former Member

Hi,

I met my ex-girlfriend 9 years ago. We went out for 4 years before I decided to end it. The reason for this is that I was 25 and wanted to have a few more experiences before I finally decided to settle down (not because i didn’t love her). A lot of my guy friends suggested I stay with her and go behind her back but I couldn’t do that to someone I loved.

For the last five years I have had a few flings and one serious relationship which lasted about 6 months (I ended it again, we just seemed to like different things). For all of this time I never lost touch with my ex. There would be periods of a few months where we wouldn’t have contact but generally we stayed in touch. Some people think we still are together they see us together so much! We still do all the couple things we just aren’t “going out”.

I’ve always said to her that when I am ready to settle down she would be the one to do it with. But I always told her that if she fell in love with someone else while we were split then I would have to deal with it, that’s the chance I was taking. She has seen a few guys since we split but nothing too serious. She recently told me that she is fed up of waiting for me and wants to cease all contact unless we start a relationship because im hurting her.

I always thought that when I was ready to settle down I would know when that time came. I suppose the older I get the more I feel that way but right now I don’t! But on the other hand if I don’t settle down with her im afraid she could meet someone else and id have lost the best girl i’ve ever met.

I have it in my head that I want one more relationship before I settle down with my ex. But I am a very shy person and its rare that I actually meet someone I like. So I think if I was to wait for another relationship it would be years rather than weeks and I could have lost my ex by then. Im also afraid that if I do settle down without this last relationship experience I could cheat in the future which I really don’t want to do!!!

I know I sound really spoilt but this stuff is doin my head in! I have the girl of my dreams waiting for me and I cant settle with her!!!

Please let me know what you guys think. I can take constructive criticism which im sure I’ll get!

Thanks,

MOD.

Former Member

firstly i think you're being unfair to her - she must still have a lot of feelings for you if she has waited on the backburner this long, even if you've so generously told her that she can see other guys etc. it seems like shes just sitting around waiting for you to make up your mind.

secondly - if she is the girl of your dreams as you say you wouldnt be so bothered about experiencing new people and relationships. you wouldnt want to be with anybody else but her and you wouldnt want to see her with anybody else as it'd be far too painful. are you so sure shes who you want or are you just dating around to see if you can find somebody better?

Former Member

I'm with FireyFirenze on this one. There is no way that this is the girl of your dreams, if you left her looking for other relationships "before settling down". Let her go.

I once had a little book by CS Lewis, called "The Four Loves", in which the author examined different forms of love. Reading posts on this site, it seems that a lot of young people tend to build relationships on affection or friendship, rather than on the passionate devotion that comes from being "in love" with someone. They say that love is blind, and it is true.
When the right girl comes along, you'll know it.

Former Member

WOW!

You know what...thats the very first time that someone has suggested that this girl isn't the love of my life!!!

My immediate feelings are that of anger! Im so sure that i love this girl deep down that im angry someone has suggested different.

The more i think about it the more i think that maybe its because she's not "hard to get". Because i can have her anytime i want im not fussed!!! I have a history of this and im afraid that if she does settle down with someone else then THAT will be the time that i want her back and it'll be too late!!!

Basically im afraid that if i get with her now i may have made a mistake and not want her in the future. But im also afraid that if i dont stay with her now then i will want her more in the future and its too late!!!!!!!!!!

Former Member

maybe youll be like this forever. Flitting from girl to girl, getting a new one every couple of years when the honeymoon phase ends.

Youre definitely not right for this girl because you dont care about hurting her.
And if youre not right for her, then tbh, shes not right for you.

I think you should cut off all contact and let her get on with her life and find happiness, rather than spinning her lines like you might get back with her eventually

Former Member

Saying that you fancy one more relationship before settling down with her, just smells of playing the field to me.