long term relationship withering-what to do? (long)

Former Member

Hi all
I divorced my husband 9 years ago and I've raised my two boys alone since then - I'm quite happy with my independance. But 7 years ago I met a man who is like me in a lot of ways - smart, independant, painfully honest etc.
I met him online and we chatted a lot - I was quite keen to explore a relationship with him by the time we actually met, but there was no physical attraction there though However, I have been with him since then - we live separately, we see each other once or twice a week and when my boys (now 17 & 13) stay at their dad's on alternate weekends I go to my partner's house for the weekend.
About many things I am sure - he will never hurt me, or lie to me,he never complains that I don't have a bum like Kylie etc etc, and we have been talking about buying a house together in a couple of years or so.
Trouble is- my heart just isn't in it any more. I feel like we're a boring married couple and we've never even lived together! There are no sparks at all any more. but we talk a lot and we care about each other. He has been my security blanket for all these years.
My question is - is this enough to work with? My head knows he's a good person but I cannot honestly say that I love him or am attracted to him. I feel like I'm being dishonest with him by still talking about our plans. Or am I expecting too much after 7 years?
I'm 41 and he is 39 so we're not spring chickens but we're not ancient either - maybe I should end this so he can find someone who will love him? My kids are used to having him about, but I don't think they're especially attached to him, and he will certainly not miss them if we did split!
Help -what should I do? I feel lousy writing all this down

Former Member

Is there any specific reason why you've never moved in with one another in 7 years?

Do you ever consciously go out of your ways to do something different the days you meet? Do you have some hobbies you share?

I think that most relationships always fall into a set routine and the way I see it it must be challenging to keep the flame alive when you don't even live with the person. Yes initially the seperation itself can add to the passion but in the long run I know I'd personally just get worn out and tired from the constant hassle of going out of my way to meet my partner. A part of the comfort of a relationship for me personally is knowing he'll come home to me and I'll come home to him. I like having my partner around, it makes me relax.

Have you never felt any physical attraction towards your partner or is it something that has changed over the years?

Former Member

hi
in the early years we agreed that it would be less confusing for my kids if we lived apart - but I suspect a lot of that is because he (let's call him R) is quite out of his depth when it comes to kids. Then he also likes his space and having all his stuff around him but well away from the kids who might damage stuff (lots of musical & computer equipment). To be honest I feel like I prefer my own space too - we do talk a lot when we spend time together but by the second evening of a weekend together I usually feel I want to go home and do my stuff. I'm just not sure I can see us living together tbh.
And no, I've never felt really attracted to him physically - not like when I met my husband.
When I write this all down, I do wonder why we've been together so long - but he's been my safe-place and I'm afraid to let him go in case I'm wrong.

Former Member

I've also realised I prob shouldn't be on here as I'm so old!! never mind, it's done now.