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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
When I breathe the oxygen turns to dust in my lungs.
My throat is dry. My head is filled with pity, pity for everything, pity for myself, pity as I stand, desolate, in the sixth form toilets. I stand alone, in the claustrophobic chasm of loneliness, screaming amidst the cloistral hush. Those screams creep slyly through my nerve endings and ravage my tear ducts with their empty dryness.
They will not break through the silence, the silence of death that lurks within. I yearn for blood, for pain, for pills, for alcohol, for a swift leap off a railway bridge. But the screams will not break through to grant me this small service.
“You are too dry,” they whisper tauntingly, “why should we take you? We only take those that are loved, that are cherished, that the world could not live without. Go and lie down in your corner, darling. You probably shouldn’t expect a phone call.”
“I never do,” I want to hiss. Even when honey should drip from the mouthpiece, the phone is never answered by her, and my lifeline is snapped in two. Just kill me, fucking kill me, I can’t breathe in this world of dust.
Oh, God. What am I going to do?
My throat is dry. My head is filled with pity, pity for everything, pity for myself, pity as I stand, desolate, in the sixth form toilets. I stand alone, in the claustrophobic chasm of loneliness, screaming amidst the cloistral hush. Those screams creep slyly through my nerve endings and ravage my tear ducts with their empty dryness.
They will not break through the silence, the silence of death that lurks within. I yearn for blood, for pain, for pills, for alcohol, for a swift leap off a railway bridge. But the screams will not break through to grant me this small service.
“You are too dry,” they whisper tauntingly, “why should we take you? We only take those that are loved, that are cherished, that the world could not live without. Go and lie down in your corner, darling. You probably shouldn’t expect a phone call.”
“I never do,” I want to hiss. Even when honey should drip from the mouthpiece, the phone is never answered by her, and my lifeline is snapped in two. Just kill me, fucking kill me, I can’t breathe in this world of dust.
Oh, God. What am I going to do?
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Comments
I'd also suggest reaching out to someone close to you, a good friend or a family member, they might surprise you and be able to support you through this tough time. It's difficult to tell from your post exactly what's led to how you're feeling right now but it sounds like a lot of different events may have resulted in all these negative feelings. Is there one thing in particular that's troubling you?
You can always reach out to the Samaritans too if you're feeling alone. They offer a brilliant listening service via phone (08457 90 90 90) or via email jo@samaritans.org that other users have really benefitted from.
Take care of yourself
One thing I have learnt from these feelings is that your not alone... As in your not the only person to be feeling this, also your friends and family and everybody on this site is so supportive!
If u talk to someone close to you about your feelings you will be surprised by how much one person can support and influence and pick you up wen you need it!!!
I do hope u find the inner strength to keep going and I know everyday is a battle but trust me, you'll b ok!
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