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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey all,
I'm an 18 year old guy.
In my err, "time", I've been popular, unpopular and an outcast. Suffice to say, all my friendships have ended on bad terms and I can never understand why. I'm what I'd consider a "good friend", I'm loyal, honest and open, I never attempt to use people to garnish "popularity" and I never go behind anyones back. I've always been ready to give advice when asked for, and I used to (though not anymore) aim to please. I've never fully "fit in" anywhere but I don't see how that should make me an unviable friend.
In spite of this, I've never had a propper friendship last over about 1-2 years, and throughout that time, I mostly feel dissatisfied and suspicious. It seems to me nobody actually likes me, because I'm always treated differently. Not necessarily in a bad way but just different from everybody else. People don't ever call me, invite me anywhere or even make conversation with me that often. I enjoy helping others, and I volunteer whenever I can. I always feel like a bit of a mug to be honest, and I never have anyone put in half as much effort to a friendship as I do.
It's as if I'm ALWAYS a tag along, and I know it - it gets me down, and pisses me off.
I don't know where I'm going wrong, I'm really not a bad guy - but somthing obviously sticks out? I've pretty much conceded to being a loner, and through the treatment I've recived over the years, a bit of a misanthrope (Think Søren Kierkegaard). Even that tears me up, because I feel I'm putting out for people who neither notice or care - obviously not expecting a parade - but atleast some respect and dignity.
I want friends, and I want to be social - but people just don't seem to want to know me.
What can I do?
I'm an 18 year old guy.
In my err, "time", I've been popular, unpopular and an outcast. Suffice to say, all my friendships have ended on bad terms and I can never understand why. I'm what I'd consider a "good friend", I'm loyal, honest and open, I never attempt to use people to garnish "popularity" and I never go behind anyones back. I've always been ready to give advice when asked for, and I used to (though not anymore) aim to please. I've never fully "fit in" anywhere but I don't see how that should make me an unviable friend.
In spite of this, I've never had a propper friendship last over about 1-2 years, and throughout that time, I mostly feel dissatisfied and suspicious. It seems to me nobody actually likes me, because I'm always treated differently. Not necessarily in a bad way but just different from everybody else. People don't ever call me, invite me anywhere or even make conversation with me that often. I enjoy helping others, and I volunteer whenever I can. I always feel like a bit of a mug to be honest, and I never have anyone put in half as much effort to a friendship as I do.
It's as if I'm ALWAYS a tag along, and I know it - it gets me down, and pisses me off.
I don't know where I'm going wrong, I'm really not a bad guy - but somthing obviously sticks out? I've pretty much conceded to being a loner, and through the treatment I've recived over the years, a bit of a misanthrope (Think Søren Kierkegaard). Even that tears me up, because I feel I'm putting out for people who neither notice or care - obviously not expecting a parade - but atleast some respect and dignity.
I want friends, and I want to be social - but people just don't seem to want to know me.
What can I do?
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Comments
I've literally tried everything and the resources on the link are innate news to me. I'm honestly not socially inept, initial meeting, people are genuinely drawn to me (impressed, intrigued, wanting to know me). After that, It seems I'm lacking somthing or unable to accomodate a need others have. I don't know what is, but I can't seem to maintain something most others require in a friend.
It's so frustrating, because I'm really (in my experience) a better friend than most. As cited, I never take the piss, lie, take liberties or use. I'm totally upfront and willing to offer my time and attention. I'm always "there" as it were, for a chat, advice, a laugh or a helping hand - but nobody seems to notice me. I'm always a third wheel.
It seems the only option for me is to become like most and "play the social field", faking it, using others, backstabbing and gossiping - Keeping up appearances - I just can't do that. Being a member of "the group" to simply influence others as opposed to connect with them. I'm a man of integrity, and I'd rather have no friends than a bunch of fake ones of which are critical of my every action. Appearing to be a friend and "real" when clearly not. Within, those who say they have friends, have friends? That's not what I want, I want to have friends I can rely on, be close to, and have a laugh with. Is it such a rare thing these days?
I'm just to be walked over, right?
Are you really up front with people? Sometimes not seeing friends as much is better than seening them all the time, you seem to want a lot from people - which isnt a bad thing, but sometimes less is more. I have friends i only chat to once a day and we are really close and always have a laugh, but then there are others that i see all the time and it becomes to much.
How do they treat you differently?
Help us.
In fact, I could be upstairs right now with friends, but then there would be three and I'd be bored, not in the convo. I think in my case though, it's just that some people just dominate groups and talk a lot and some of us enjoy peace.
Yet again today, my friend has talked non stop to my other friend and I have just left because I am not included in the conversation. :rolleyes: Maybe I should tell him.
I have some aquaintances, but not many close friends. I don't get along with people on an intimate level often and don't really desire to most the time anyway. I just don't find human emotions interestin. I am a natural loner, with good people skills.
I think that there is too much pressure to socialise and be popular. At the same time, some people genuinely find it hard to meet people when their personality enjoys company.
After I left School, ie through college and when i started work i was hopelessly shy to the point where i found it near impossible to talk to people in social situations, so the only friends i had were a couple who remained from my school days.
It seemed obvious, improve my social skills, and i would naturally make more friends and improve my life.
Yet today I can safely say my social skills are ten times better than they were back then but my social life is about the same as it was back then.
I won't pretend I make friends easily (not sure i make a good first impression) but over the last 3 years i've met a few people and formed friendships. However much like the OP they only develop to a certain point and then fizzle out or in some cases die completely, despite my best efforts.
I'd also consider myself a good friend. I take an interest in peoples lives and try and help them out wherever I can, but people don't seem to take an interest in me past the initial 6 months/year, and even then I am probably more of a casual acquaintance than a proper "friend".
When out with a group I often feel I don't "belong" aswell.
It's frustrating spending so much time by yourself when you essentially don't know what you're doing wrong. Much like you I have no desire to some kind of socialite but would just like a few close friends who i feel i could genuinely rely on, or even invite me out to do stuff. I often make suggestions to people and they fall on deaf ears, and it reaches a point where you just don't have the confidence to take the rejection any more....
Doubt I've helped but you're not the only one going through it, that much is clear