Depression in a relationship

Former Member

Hi, I have never posted anything before but thought this might help..

I have only been with my man for 8 weeks, Ever since the start he was a lot more keen on me than I was on him, but after a couple of weeks I realised that we just clicked - it felt really right!

Up until a week ago and a half ago he would tell me that he had never been happier with a partner, all he thought about was me and that he loved being with me etc etc. and i felt the same. I met all his family and friends it was perfect!

A lot of things had been going wrong up until this point, it had just been the first anniversary of his Mums death, his dad had moved in his new lady to their house, and he was at risk of loosing his job so working 12 hour days.

Then a week and a half ago I got a text saying he felt really weird about everything and didnt know why, but needed some time to think. I gave him space but then tried to call him a few days later. When he didnt pick up I left a voicemail saying he was being unfair and couldnt ignore me.

That night he sent me two text messages saying about how he was so sorry for treating me this way and all he wanted was to be with me, but he was out getting wasted because it was the worse week he had had since his mum died, and he would speak to me tomorrow. i replied saying if he meant that then he would meet me the next day. However when the next day arrived he text me at 11am saying he had only just got in from his night out! I obviously wasnt pleased and he text me saying he really liked me but if I was going to be funny with them then he couldnt be with me.

Since then I have rung him and he hasn't picked up. I have text him saying I dont know what else to do, asking him to text me if he needs more space or even just text me to finish things, because it would be better then being ignored. I then gave him space for a coupleof days and I have written him a letter saying all this too.

I know he is suffering from depression, he had mentioned to me about how he was trying to come off antidepressants and I realise this may be a depressive episode especially as he doesnt seem willing to end it with me even by text or on facebook.

I dont want it to get to the point where I have to dump him on facebook (how stupid is that!) or it to end by us not talking because it makes a joke of everything we had and there will be no closure.

but at the same time I haven't been going out with him for long enough to turn up at his house, or even to know what I should do...

I really like him and the depression doesnt put me off as long as he wants to get through it, I just want to be there for him..

Has anyone else been through anything similar? Got any advice?

Thanks loads for listening

XxX

Former Member

My first question would be, "have you any experience of depression?" If your bf has been prescribed anti-depressants for depressive illness, it is a world away from someone who just describes themselves as "depressed". Being with someone who suffers from depression can be a very traumatic experience - especially if he is drinking on top of anti-depressants.

In my experience (my first husband was a depressive), the vulnerable nature of depressives is inclined to bring out one's maternal instincts. They can be very "loveable". However, beware, they can also be extremely manipulative and volatile. Handle with care or avoid ...

Former Member

Do you know much about his history of depression and whether it was primarily triggered by his mum's death or other issues in his past? I think it's easy to downplay people who have to take antidepressants as being manipulative and difficult, when sometimes it can be enough to just recognise that people who are susceptible to depression may have a strong need to become independent when they feel they are encountering a tough episode...this is their way of coping without taking too much from another person rather than an endeavour to be cold and difficult.

I ask, because I have always had my moments of feeling depressed and suicidal ever since I can remember. However, much of this is a result of growing up in a physically and mentally abusive environment. Recently having to go through losing my dad to cancer was enough to make me decide to try taking antidepressants for the first time in my life. This experience has made me somewhat distant from several people who are close to me, not for a lack of affection or respect for them, but because of unwanted associations from my past and wanting to feel able to learn from my life experiences to this point and not inflicting unnecessary pressure on those I am fond of. I feel that having gone though one serious relationship and a couple of years of single life without many suicidal thoughts is a big achievement and do not want to backtrack on this because of the attitudes and behaviours of certain members of my family. I hope to be able to explain to those close to me, my feelings before too long, but recognise part of not giving in to the manipulative side of depression is firstly speaking to neutral parties about certain things and gradually letting friends in to my feelings as the emotional response lessens.

I have also experienced severe depression from the other side of a relationship. In my early 20s my ex partner attempted suicide on a number of occasions after we split. I think at the end of the day, the dynamic of a relationship with a depressive person is very much dependent on them having an understanding of their condition as well as the non depressive's expectations and needs from a relationship. I would say the fact he isn't being overly dependent on you so early on in the relationship, even though it seems he is going through an incredibly trying time, is promising. If you feel able to, maybe try giving him a little time and space and asking him how he feels he can best deal with his very low times. If he seems able to give reasoned and logical responses, I would maybe be inclined to ride out the relationship for a little while and see how it feels.

Good luck and all the best

Former Member

very similair story in a way lol

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Former Member

i say ring him NOW. depression is awful it makes the world seem more crap than it really is, and he sounds pretty suicidal. Ring him and say that you really like him and wish he would reply to your messages. Tell him for his own sake, keep taking his antidepressants and try not to drink too much with them. Also say to him that he can come round and talk to you about things that have happened recently. Dont be too hard on him he wont appreciate you being angry with him. It honestly sounds like he has tried to stop taking his meds, which is a BAD idea considering what hes going through right now. It will be a bit of a burden to you, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Good luck