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Hate doing well

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
You know, recently I have been so down. And, yeah I guess I have been moaning, and yeah I guess I do feel sorry for myself. But I don't know who I am anymore. The amount of times I've said "oh god, I've had enough." Now, I really mean it. I have tried to stop drinking, and I have stopped smoking, and I have friends my age, and I am doing well. And I hate it, I don't want to do well. I hate putting on a fake smile to please my friends, I hate not being able to talk about my life with people, I hate that I don't want to do well. I don't like playing games at break, I don't like pretending I am straight and telling people I only like guys, I don't like going out to town, I don't like being happy. I just need to fight with some one, I need to have people scared of my every move, I need to be hurt. My self harm has got worse too, the only real fun I used to have was getting drunk down the park. But I don't do that anymore- and I am bored, I am depressed, and I have had enough of trying to be good. It's shit.

Yeah- I am just being childish and selfish and I know people are worse off than me. But I just want to be happy, but when I am happy I make other people upset. In fact, I can't remeber a time when I was really happy, and everyone else was happy. I've spent months just hurting people and drinking and smoking and being an all round wanker. Looking back, I wasn't really happy anyway, but it's better than being like I am now. I can't explain it right, I guess I just don't like behaving well. When I behave, I realise how upset I am and how much I hate living. I realise I don't want to be here. When I behave, I can't forget things. It's like I am exposed to all my emotions, and I don't want to be. I want to forget everything again, I want to not care, I want to do things and think about how bad they were later.

But most of all, I want to curl up with the guy I love, and I want him to tell me it'll all be alright. I want him to tell me he loves me, and I want him there for me. I want him to understand. But he can't be here for me, he can't hold me, he can't kiss me and promise me everything will be okay. And that is what hurts most, that he has moved on and he doesn't care anymore.
Sorry for the moan, I just needed to let it all out.
Xx

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No worries, the opportunity to have some happiness will pass you by very, very quickly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry haven't really got anything helpful to say.... but things will get better. I always get shot down for saying this but things don't stay crap forever.. there will be good days... perhaps it has just been a long time since your last one.
    I don't like pretending I am straight and telling people I only like guys

    Just wanted to pick up on this... and say... you don't have to! Unless there is a girl you like currently, and you want to take it further, you don't have to "pretend" to be anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear you're feeling down broken angel. :( and that you feel you can only be miserable or make others miserable.

    It sounds like without this guy around you are finding it hard work to see that you might deserve to be happy or even that you might be really happy without faking it. Getting over a relationship can be really slow and hard work. Do you have anybody you can talk to about this?

    Feel free to keep venting here and getting the support you need via virtual hugs.

    Take care :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not being a lot older than you (I think), I know what it is like trying to be someone you aren't. In the end, the most important thing is that you be yourself, even if people have a problem with it. As already said, you don't need to pretend you are straight, and love should be the last thing on your mind, because the minute you start being older than you really are, everything gets worse, take it from me.

    Sorry to see you sad, hope I could be a bit of help xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys,
    I just don't know what to say really, it's too hard to explain how I feel. But it's nice to know that people are here for me when and if I need them.

    I've decided that I'm not going to bother trying to stop self harming again- eevery time I stop, I end up starting again worse. And, the thing about pretending to be straight... I stick up for gay rights a lot at school, and when ever my friends say something bad or nasty about homosexuals I'll tell them that they shouldn't say things like that ect. And then I theyll go "what are you gay or something?" and it just digs deep I guess.
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I personally dislike people who say "it WILL get better." No offense purplestarfish. I just have something against people who give off things as though they are guarantees.

    ...

    In one of my philosophy classes (when I was still an undergrad) our teacher differentiated the optimist from the hopeful. He said, that the optimist is pretty much full of shit (am paraphrasing) because the optimist believes he/she can see and know what the future holds by saying that good things WILL come to pass. The hopeful on the other hand acknowledges that the possibility that something good will come to pass but is not 100% sure of it and so continues through the dark tunnel thinking that sooner or later, he/she will find the light at the end of it. I guess what am saying is that something good may never come to pass. Am sorry if that would sound bleak to most of you and I would understand if any of you would vehemently object to that idea, but am just being realistic here. The truth of life is that more often than not, shit happens. And for a lot of people, shit happens again and again and again. But to be hopeful means not to let that shit get you so down that the possibility of something better might not come.

    I've said this to a lot of friends in the past and also to myself: suffering has a purpose. You may think that what you have right now is unbearable and horrible and all that. But I hold that hopefully, sooner or later, something will come in life that will let you know that your suffering was not in vain. I obviously don't know what it would be (seeing that am waiting for it myself). It's unique to all peoples, but it would be something that you would not have been able to come by if you had lived your life any other way. This is by no means a guarantee. Am just sharing this because this thought is what really helps me when I feel really down and horrible (like right now). The idea that maybe, just maybe, something beyond myself is so magnificent and so amazing that it will give an answer to the suffering and the pain that I endure is something worth waiting for.

    I honestly don't know if this helps. I hope it does. I don't know if am just ranting because I'm kinda drunk, but I hope am not (ranting that is). I'm not going to say that things will get better; however, I will say that things MAY get better. And I think that keeping that in mind will be helpful while you journey through your own dark tunnel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I personally dislike people who say "it WILL get better." No offense purplestarfish. I just have something against people who give off things as though they are guarantees

    Feel free to disagree with what I've said but I don't think it's a reasonable to dislike or have something against me for it hey? =p

    Anyways, sure all things might not ever get better, but the chances are there will be aspects that improve because your circumstances change or whatever. Also what I really mean is even when things feel like they're just spiralling downwards there are still days, hours or even moments when things feel ok. Take these moments and use them as best you can. Sounds like a load of jibberish but I know sometimes when you're down it can be hard to keep on with the things that move your life forward... So on those days maybe when you do feel a little better, take time to do stuff to make the rest of the days a bit more pleasant. Things like maybe planning things with friends, renting a movie etc etc

    And as for the SH, I never really thought it was helpful to think about stopping SH. When you next feel ready, maybe instead try to think of ways to move away from SH and reduce it. For example tell yourself that you will always use the 15 minute rule (will find a link when I'm not on the iPod). But basically a distraction that you've found helpful in the past and say you won't harm yourself unless you've tried it for 15 mins. Then after that time reassess the situation and maybe the urge will have passed or you can maybe try for another 15 mins.

    Another method could be to try really hard not to self-harm because of certain things. Just an example... Say you sometimes do it because you embarass yourself in public and then feel angry at yourself afterwards. Try telling yourself that no matter what you will not SH under those circumstances.

    Anyways hope things are alright atm, let us know how you're getting on x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't know about the 15 mins thing, thats good. Sounds helpful too.

    And thank you for all your advice, I sort of accidently told everyone I was bi today. My friend (whos a boy) was going on about how he'd snogged a boy blah blah blah and then said he'd probaly of had sex with him. And then he was going on about being bi curious. And I wnet "curious? I knew years ago."
    Every one was abit shocked but then girls aloud came on the TV and all the boys were distracted by Mrs Cole...haha.
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You know, recently I have been so down. And, yeah I guess I have been moaning, and yeah I guess I do feel sorry for myself. But I don't know who I am anymore. The amount of times I've said "oh god, I've had enough." Now, I really mean it. I have tried to stop drinking, and I have stopped smoking, and I have friends my age, and I am doing well. And I hate it, I don't want to do well. I hate putting on a fake smile to please my friends, I hate not being able to talk about my life with people, I hate that I don't want to do well. I don't like playing games at break, I don't like pretending I am straight and telling people I only like guys, I don't like going out to town, I don't like being happy. I just need to fight with some one, I need to have people scared of my every move, I need to be hurt. My self harm has got worse too, the only real fun I used to have was getting drunk down the park. But I don't do that anymore- and I am bored, I am depressed, and I have had enough of trying to be good. It's shit.

    Yeah- I am just being childish and selfish and I know people are worse off than me. But I just want to be happy, but when I am happy I make other people upset. In fact, I can't remeber a time when I was really happy, and everyone else was happy. I've spent months just hurting people and drinking and smoking and being an all round wanker. Looking back, I wasn't really happy anyway, but it's better than being like I am now. I can't explain it right, I guess I just don't like behaving well. When I behave, I realise how upset I am and how much I hate living. I realise I don't want to be here. When I behave, I can't forget things. It's like I am exposed to all my emotions, and I don't want to be. I want to forget everything again, I want to not care, I want to do things and think about how bad they were later.

    But most of all, I want to curl up with the guy I love, and I want him to tell me it'll all be alright. I want him to tell me he loves me, and I want him there for me. I want him to understand. But he can't be here for me, he can't hold me, he can't kiss me and promise me everything will be okay. And that is what hurts most, that he has moved on and he doesn't care anymore.
    Sorry for the moan, I just needed to let it all out.
    Xx


    Heya,
    FIRSTLY I AM SORRY FOR THE BLOODY LENGTH OF THIS FLIPPING POST
    SORRY!!!
    I understand where you are coming from - i feel that i don't deserve to do well in life ya know like it shud always be the same shit that happens. You are not childish or selfish - you really need to believe in yourself hunnie - and yeh i sound like a hypocrite cause im not happy with myself and i feel like shit the majority of the time......you should never feel that you need to not be yourself in front of other people.....your true friends will be able to see you as you and you should feel comfortable around them. i still ain't told my friend why i really went into hospital and im scared that she will hate me 1. for not telling her 2. for just feeling like i couldn't tell her. But how do you really broach the subject of oh yeh i took an overdose but i didn't want to die - that doesn't really link does it :no: ya know i wish i could just get rid of that part of my life...........just for once in my life for it to be SIMPLE and not bloody complicated and linked to other things......fuckin nightmare!!! having the issues of dwelling on stuff can be really a bloody horrible time and ive dwelled on things for the past 3/4 years and it ain't nice. when i s/h i hate myself, when i don't i feel like a failure, when i eat i hate myself, when i don't i feel like i am failing everybody...........just for once in my life i want a flippin break from ME!!!! Its ok that you needed to get it all out hunnie - you are as deserving as anyone on here to be yourself and to express yourself. im always here if you want to have a chat or have a moan - just PM me if ya want........
    xxxxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had an argument today with a close friend, but it wasn't anything major. There are two groups that hang out together, but are still different groups, and I'm in the middle. So, people in the more "emo" ,if you will, group are getting abit pissed at me for hanging out with the boys and tomboys. But to be honest, I'm going to be friends with who I like. And I called some girl a slut because she was snogging one lad, and then asked out someone who is gay! He said yes, as a joke, and she was like "I can turn gay people straight I'm that sexy" and when he said it was a joke, she stropped off. I am actually getting very pissed off with her, but it's not worth fighting over.
    Xx
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