How to move on when, I don't want to and I see her every day?

Former Member

My girlfriend of 9 months have broken up over the last few days. We are both 21 and this is not by any means either of our first serious relationship. I have been in several long term relationships two of which lasting over 2 years that I considered to be in love with my girlfriend, but even though this relationship has only been nine months in comparison, the feelings involved are massively more intense than anything I've experienced before.
The relationship didn't exactly start on the best terms, We had history from college, although we didn't really know each other. Basically just a few drunk snogs but I knew she liked me for a long time but had not seen her for around 2 years as she had been away at university. I had just split up from a very short and pointless relationship, afterwards I began socialising with a new group of friends and was surprised to see her there. Having just come out of a unfulfilling relationship I intended on staying single for a while , but probably for the wrong reasons jumped into bed with her and one thing lead to another i found myself in a relationship I didn't want to be in , but very very quickly found myself infatuated.
We had gotten along great until through both of our fault about 4 months in she told me she was pregnant. Through a lot of talk we mutually decided to go through with a termination, but during this time she was so overwhelmed she told me she wasn't sure if she could be with me any more. I was gutted but I took a step back and let her have some space and after a week or so we sorted things out. Unfortunately a week before we were due to go through with the termination she had a miscarriage, which obviously put massive strain on the both of us for a while but after that things seemed to become better than they had ever been, especially seeming now that having gone through what we had together, surely we could manage with any problem ahead. This continued to a week or so ago, things didn't exactly descend into blazing rows all the time but, she just seemed distant and then the other day ending on the conversation she doesn't feel as strongly as she did for me, but still loves me!?! I'm sorry maybe this is just a guys thing but that makes absolutely no sense to me, surely if you love someone that's all that matters?
I would consider my ex one of my best friends. We share the same group of friends so I can't really avoid seeing her especially as one of my best friends is going out with one of her best friends. I am still very in love with her and completely believe that I truly love her. Although i know its only been a few days I'm still noway near close to accepting that its over let alone thinking about moving on. She is a very impulsive person and a part of me and people who know her have told me that she maybe will come around eventually, but i don't know if that's wishful thinking as she has told me it won't happen. So basically I'm stuck between hanging on or at least keeping some hope that one day maybe we will be ok, and moving on which even the thought of makes me feel sick, but I care about her so much as a friend that I feel as if i owe it to her to try. What should or can I do? any help whatsoever would be very appreciated.

Former Member

If anyone has any advice at all i really really would appreciate it, im struggling to sleep, its making me ill, and ive never been like this in a break up. HELP!

Former Member

ilovemcr88 wrote: »

she just seemed distant and then the other day ending on the conversation she doesn't feel as strongly as she did for me, but still loves me!?! I'm sorry maybe this is just a guys thing but that makes absolutely no sense to me, surely if you love someone that's all that matters?

:no: I understand where you're coming from on this and it'd be nice if it was that clear-cut, but it's not. I recently split up with my boyfriend who I've been with on and off for five years, and although I can categorically say I still love him very much, my feelings for him aren't strong enough to keep our relationship going. It's about being "in love" as well as loving someone I think - and on both sides in my relationship I don't think that "in love" bit was there any more although the deep, affectionate love is still definitely there.

I do know how you're feeling as I've been there before in previous situations and my only advice to you would be to step away as much as you possibly can. Even though you say you're not ready to move on (which is totally understandable), you need to give her time to miss you and think clearly about what she really wants. It may be that she decides she does want to give things another go, but you can't push her into that - you need to back off and let things settle down a bit so whatever decision she makes is her own and not one she's felt pressured into making. By distancing yourself a bit you'll also allow yourself time to heal as well, that way whatever decision she comes to you'll hopefully be feeling a little stronger by then and be able to deal with it a bit better.

Not sure if I'm making sense here, but my main message to you is for your own sake and hers try and put some space between you. I know it's hard when you share friends but do what you can to stay busy with people who aren't as close to her. It's a horrible thing to go through, but you will make it out the other side one way or another and I can promise you it'll make you stronger

Former Member

Yeah I totally agree with everything you said, by "Still loves me" I suppose i worded it wrong, I think what i really meant was that I sort of feel that the reasosn she gave me were a bit weak and unclear, and after the massive amount of hardship we'd been through together that I sort of deserved either a more valid reason or at least a clearer explanation. But hey if i understood women i don't think id be posting on here lol.
In terms of making space between us I really could do with space, but the group of friends that we both share are sort of my only group, all of my old friends have either moved away are at university, and although my current friends are some of the best ive ever had im almost stuck with them if that makes any sense, and to me it seems/ seemed a better idea to risk seeing her than being sat at home feeling sorry for myself playing things over in my head (which unfortunately i tend to do constantly on every issue of my life... bad quality i know). Catch 22 situation. Thanks for taking the time to make a post , even if its already what ive already been thinking an outside, impartial point of view helps put things in perspective.

Former Member

any more advice would still but appreciated if anyone has an opinion.

Former Member

You mentioned that its only been a few days since the split i think (unless i read it wrong?) Well give it some time! Honestly, people say that time is a great healer - they're not lying! It will get easier just try not to think about her and just avoid being at certain places when she's likely to be around.

You will get over this. You were happy before you were with her and you'll be happy again afterwards, just have to ride out the storm mate!

Former Member

You are both young. Neither of you were ready for a baby, but I know how hard miscarriage can be(having had 2). I think she feels guilty that she considered having a termination- when she then miscarried, she was grieving the loss & that brought ye closer. The thing is you can't foretell the future, I know it's hard at the moment. I have dated people in the past, who have gone on to marry other people & I now am married too. thats just the thing about life. Maybe a bit of time apart might give her a chance to get her head around everything, & see if she misses you. Give it time & if it's meant to work out, it will !

Lilzo

It’s sounds as though the last few weeks have been really tough for you and it’s not surprising that you’re finding it difficult to cope with the end of your relationship. Breaking up is never easy and especially with having to cope with a miscarriage at the same time must be really tough.

It is all still very fresh though and although you are devastated now, time is a great healer. You can’t expect to feel like you are over your ex straight away. I guess you never know what may happen in the future but it’s probably better to tell yourself it is over for good and if for whatever reason you guys do get back together that’s great but if not then you won’t be too disappointed.

It might be useful to have a look at this article about breaking up: http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/singles/singlelife/acceptingitsover

And although it wasn’t physically you that went through the miscarriage it may be useful to read this article as it’s still a lot to go through emotionally:

http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/pregnancyandparenthood/miscarriagetheemotions

Hope these are handy. Good luck with it all and keep posting!