Depression/suicide.

Former Member

I'm sorry for posting here - I honestly do not know who to talk to right now, considering no-one else has helped.

I've been miserable for a very long time, but the last few weeks have been a sort of breaking point. I've felt majorly suicidal, to the point of planning it out. I don't think I will, though, because I can let my parents down like that.

However, I'm completely lost. I'm constantly unhappy, and feel hopeless. Sometimes I just don't want to move.

But I honestly don't think I can be helped. In order to stop being miserable, I need get better, but I can't imagine being better. I can't imagine being any way to how I am now.. I don't think I could. I have been this way for years.

And I know everyone thinks I'm a nutter and anyone who I tell this too will think that too. But I'm so stuck. I can't go on being so miserable. I feel like I'm insane, and I'm not putting that lightly.

I'm sorry if I don't make sense.
Some advice, please?
I have no idea what to do.

I don't even know why I feel this way.

Former Member

Is there anything specific bothering you?

Former Member

Well.. I get anxious a lot, and paranoid.
I don't enjoy college much - mainly just massive insecurities about myself. Not wanting to be there and having no motivation to be there has been stressful because I HAVE to be there.
But. No. I don't know.

Crap ya'know, I don't actually know. I can't pinpoint anything in particular, it's like everything has merged into one huge mess.

Former Member

I know what you mean.

What is it about college you don't like? What are you insecure about?

Former Member

Thankyou for being so understanding

I just.. don't enjoy it. The subjects are mostly ones that I enjoy (I dropped one though because it gave me panic attacks), but I have no motivation to do any of them. I'm seriously behind because I skived so much in the first term, so I'm constantly catching up. Because I skived, they put me on report, which means I have to go to each lesson.
Which makes sense.
But I just don't care about it.

And, I'm just.. insecure. Like everyone, I'm nervous around people I don't know. But socially I don't fit in - I have no fashion sense, and can't make decent conversation, or because I'm so nervous I tend to blab.
I'm just scared, I can't answer normal questions because my honest answers are miserable and just sound insane to people who don't know any better (if that makes sense ). I can't be bothered to try and look happy.
If I see people looking at me, I feel instantly paranoid and think they think I'm a nutter.
Which they do.

I'm scared I'm insane but no-one knows because I don't tell anyone.
But at the same time I think everyone knows anyway.

College just doesn't help anything.

Former Member

Hello

well first of all your not a nutter

I think you need to deal with things one at a time as it seems like you have a lot on. Try thinking about the smaller picture. If you get what I mean?

When I was in a similar situation I took one problem like my anxiety and looked at where, when And what would make me feel worse and try and work things out from there. Maybe gaining a really simple understanding of your feelings and building it up might help? ( sorry if I sound patronising lol I'm trying not to!)

There's loads of links on this website that are rather good

http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/anxietyandstress
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/otherconditions/paranoia

hopethat helps a little

Former Member

I see.

What are you studying at college?

The key thing to remember about things like this is 'what do I want to get out of it?' You should try and find something that gets you inspired and run with it. If you really don't like it though is it possible to change to something else?

As for the stuff about fitting in and having no fashion sense, do you think you are being too hard on yourself? If you can, try to relax a bit around new people, ask what they are studying and that can open a couple of doors.

Is this panic attack thing a medical condition? does anyone else know?

(sorry to seem like Im grilling you, just wondering)

Former Member

Don't worry, you're not grilling in at all xD

I'm studying Photography, Graphics, Psychology. I dropped drama and am supposedly swapping it for General Studies but that hasn't happened yet as we've been on half term.
I like the subjects. I just can't seem to care.. and I don't care about not caring. And I know it's a case of just giving a damn but I'm finding it so difficult because my mind is elseswear.

And I can't really change anymore lessons, as no other lessons would take me now as it's too far into the term..
And I think any other college would just be the same. And getting a job is near impossible now without qualifications and luck. I don't really have any other choice?

& I'm honestly not being to hard on myself. xD I am so terrible.
I have met some new people, and things. But I feel so paranoid.. unnaturally paranoid.. more paranoid that a teenager should feel.
I'd rather just stay at home.

And I spoke to my doctor about the panic attackes about a year ago but they didn't say much on the matter. My tutor knows I get them and my mum has a basic idea but that's about it.

Thankyou again for replying.

Former Member

notanotherusername! wrote: »

Hello

well first of all your not a nutter

I think you need to deal with things one at a time as it seems like you have a lot on. Try thinking about the smaller picture. If you get what I mean?

When I was in a similar situation I took one problem like my anxiety and looked at where, when And what would make me feel worse and try and work things out from there. Maybe gaining a really simple understanding of your feelings and building it up might help? ( sorry if I sound patronising lol I'm trying not to!)

There's loads of links on this website that are rather good

http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/anxietyandstress
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/otherconditions/paranoia

hopethat helps a little

Hi. Thanks for the reply.
Thanks for the links. I've had a look around but it's nice to read more about the situation. :thumb:

Former Member

colonists wrote: »

Don't worry, you're not grilling in at all xD

I'm studying Photography, Graphics, Psychology. I dropped drama and am supposedly swapping it for General Studies but that hasn't happened yet as we've been on half term.
I like the subjects. I just can't seem to care.. and I don't care about not caring. And I know it's a case of just giving a damn but I'm finding it so difficult because my mind is elseswear.

And I can't really change anymore lessons, as no other lessons would take me now as it's too far into the term..
And I think any other college would just be the same. And getting a job is near impossible now without qualifications and luck. I don't really have any other choice?

& I'm honestly not being to hard on myself. xD I am so terrible.
I have met some new people, and things. But I feel so paranoid.. unnaturally paranoid.. more paranoid that a teenager should feel.
I'd rather just stay at home.

And I spoke to my doctor about the panic attackes about a year ago but they didn't say much on the matter. My tutor knows I get them and my mum has a basic idea but that's about it.

Thankyou again for replying.

I can imagine it must be hard to study with your current state of mind. Just try to take it one step at a time and you may get your motivation into class going. Also try and have a word with your tutor if it gets a bit too much for you.

Being paranoid is sort of normal when meeting new people. You always want to make a good impression but then your head fills up with questions but that doesn't last very long. After the first couple of weeks people don't normally care. Take it from me, staying stuck inside is no way to go, you miss out on alot if you just stay sat on the sofa.

Former Member

Maybe seeing a doctor/having councilling might help the situation? If you are depressed, you are just not going to care, because it's hard to think clearly when you have depression.

I think the thing about not really wanting to get better is also a symptom of depression- once it lifts a bit, life becomes more appealing, and you realise you can be well, and enjoy life.

Have you tried treatments for depression before??

Former Member

i second the idea finding a professional especially for the panic attacks and the paranoia. i agree with johnnyboy that it may be normal for meeting with new people especially if you're an introvert (my apologies for assuming that you're an introvert), but if you think that your paranoia is too far fetched and not normal, then you may benefit from having a professional to talk to. maybe you can reach out to your psychology professors/teachers. chances are that some of them would have phd's or would actually have a practice. if the doctor you talked to before was an md and not versed in psychology, he/she might not have been equipped to tell you more about it. so again, seeking a professional who would know about panic attacks and paranoia might help.

when it comes to social relationships, friends are... well, sometimes it's difficult to find people who get you or people who can appreciate you for who you are. in this department though, i'm curious, do you have any friends at all? i mean, people who you hangout with and people who like you? because reading what you posted, it leaves me to assume that you're socially isolated.

oh, and as a parting thought, you really shouldn't be sorry about posting your problems here. i know that these things may be personal and you may not want to burden other people with your baggage, but this is a very good place to just vent out concerns, problems, insecurities, and whatnots. from the short time i've been part of this site, i've found a lot of people who are really open-minded, accepting, and comforting. so you can at least be comforted by the idea that there are people here who CAN understand you and what you're going through and that there will be people here who can give you good advice.

Former Member

Hey. Sorry for my inactiveness.
Thankyou for everyone's input. ♥

I made an appointment with my doctor, who has hooked me up with the mental health gateway worker. I'm seeing him in a week.
Hopefully that will help a bit =/

Don't be sorry for implying I'm in introvert.. I am a bit xD
I don't know if my paranoia is farfetched, though. I often think people think I'm insane. And I don't know if that's true? So.. I'm either strongly deluded into thinking I'm insane and everyone knows I am, which kinda contradicts itself. Oh I'm rambling insanely.

I do have some friends. Well.. I have quite a lot, actually =/ They just.. well, they don't really have a clue with what I'm going through. A lot of them are really judgemental (which makes sense I guess) so I'm reluctant to tell them anything. They are lovely, don't get me wrong, they're the best, but.. idk. Most of them haven't really experienced anything like mental illness before?

Ah, right, I'm going to stop typing because I really can't think straight right now.

Thankyou again ♥
I'll post a better reply tomorrow..

Former Member

Hi there colonists

Its good to hear from you again. Sorry that you feel isolated with your friends at the moment - remember you can get support here and you won't be judged.

Good luck meeting your mental health gateway worker - please let us know how you get on.

Take care

Former Member

Wow, sure are a lot of depression/mental health topics on this board. I'm feeling pretty low myself at the moment. I've always been rather inroverted, but now my inability to talk to others is affecting my work and I'm getting into trouble for it (see my other post on the Work board). I talked to a doctor a couple of months ago, who said she would refer me to a specialist, but I haven't heard anything from them since. She also suggested trying antidepressants, but I think that would just be covering up the problem, rather than solving it.

Colonists, you are not alone.

Its good to know that help is available, I think its just taking that first step and going to the doctor that's the hard part. Especially if you're paranoid and/or introverted, you might not want to trouble someone else with your problems (at least that's how I felt). Its nice to know there is a board like this where we can let it all out.