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How do I stop being suspicious and stop checking his phone?!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi

First of all, hello, i am new here and i was hoping perhaps i can get help and support because i need some desperately :(

my problem is that i am convinced that my boyfriend is cheating on me, and find myself constantly looking to catch him out or find clues. i find myself searching his things and looking through his phone,i am not proud of this and i know how awful it is that i do this and this is why i need help to stop.

He has never done anything to justify me not trusting him, and i can't really explain why i think he is cheating. i've never found anything that should really make me think it, and all of the things that fuel my paranoia are things i have made a big deal out of as a result of trying to find things, after looking for something to be dodgy...i seem to look at things which could have a million explanations but will always assume the worst.

One of the worst things is his girl on his facebook who he sometimes texts (he's known her way before he met me though). She's got tons of slutty pictures and i think she is sort of his type too which doesnt help. apparently she has a boyfriend (not on facebook) and i can see wedding rings in her pictures too, and she lives quite a long way away. So i dont think they do anything for real but i wonder if they are doing stuff online/through texts...but even that doesnt have a reason because i have seen that sometimes it will be 3-4 weeks between texts between them, and i have seen once that the texts were quite harmless - no kisses and nothing flirty just talking about something or other. even though at the time it made me feel better, the paranoia has just come back. i think, well maybe he wasnt cheating with her then, but he is now! i've read all his comments on facebook from her and none of them are particularly flirty other than joking or teasing and no kisses. ive never seen anything from her that proves something has gone on in the past or is going on now - its purely the fact that they communicate by text that drives me insane and even though i KNOW its harmless and not that often, i still go crazy in my mind when he gets a text mesage - thinking its her, thinking something is going on.....

As far as the way he is with me...We live a couple of hours apart so i tend to stay 3-4 days over the weekend with him (he works so its hard for him to come to me) -- and he has never, ever asked me not to come down for a weekend. he has never cancelled plans with me either. He's introduced me to all his friends and family, loads of his friends have added me on facebook and we always go out together. i've seen his messanger contact list and there is only a couple of girls (i didnt see the slutty girl on it either), and although he has lots of female friends in general, he doesnt ever see them by himself, its always as part of a group when he goes out with his friends. He doesnt really get texts from any girls either apart from friends who i know about (and the slutty facebook girl occasionally). there are never really any girls who write strange things on his facebook either. He never gets weird phone calls when i am around and he often tells me who has text him and although sometimes he seems a bit secrative with his phone he doesnt usually try and hide it or leave the room to make calls. his phone doesnt have a password on it and he always leaves in in the living room with me when he goes to take a shower, and once he gave it to me to keep in my bag for a while weeked when we were away. so he doesnt seem like he is trying to hide it from me, i know if i was cheating i wouldnt ever leave my phone lying around! but i guess people are different. He is always telling me he loves me, and misses me and wishes i was with him when we are apart, he always holds my hand everywhere we go, always really affectionate even around other people, our sex life is great, he talks to me online through the week in the day when i am not with him and texts me every night at least a few times unless he is out with his friends. We have been weekends away together, and plan for holidays in a year or two ahead - he doesnt mind booking things like that months ahead so isnt afraid of that committment. And even though he used facebook applications to flirt and meet women when he was single, he's deleted them all since we got together and has never used them since. He had a few women on his facebook i guess from these applications but over the months that we have been together one by one a lot of them have disappeared i guess removed him from friends since they dont talk? And he hasnt added anyone since we got together except people i know are nothing to worry about.

So rationally looking at the above and considering i have never found anything obviously bad i have no real reason not to trust him except for being irrational and paranoid, and analysing everything to a point where i create things to be suspicious about. if someone told me the above i would say it doesnt look like he is cheating to me! but why cant i shake the feeling off, why cant i stop thinking he is doing stuff with the slutty girl? why cant i just be normal and think, he has friends and just because one of them is a bit slutty doesnt mean HE is doing anything! and how can i stop the sharp jab of paranoia and distrust when i hear his text message sound-without having to check it later???

How can i stop this before it destroys us.... it makes me act weird around him when things are on my mind and he notices that and it is damaging the relationship!!!!!! :-(

leah

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It could be that the paranoia has made you lose the trust, meaning the relationship is effectively living on borrowed time.

    However, what you could do, is whenever you have thoughts like this, picture friends that are in a relationship and if one of your mates came up to you and said these things, how silly and crackers would it sound? :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for answering. i just dont understand why i would be so paranoid without a reason. is it a mental condition or something?

    but, the trouble im having is that if i sit down and think about it then yes i can rationalise it and realise i am being stupid, but at the time of the incident for example if he gets a text message or something then thats when the emotions fly and i feel the worst, and even if i dont say anything he knows something is wrong by the look on my face :(

    i just want to be able to see him playing with his phone and sending texts and not actually be bothered by it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Paranoia such as this often hails from a previous relationship where the boyfriend had cheated. Have you been cheated upon before?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hiya, well sort of. i've never been cheated on by a boyfriend who had committed to me, but i did date a guy last year for a few months who wouldnt commit and messed around with a lot of other girls behind my back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hiya, well sort of. i've never been cheated on by a boyfriend who had committed to me, but i did date a guy last year for a few months who wouldnt commit and messed around with a lot of other girls behind my back.
    Then do you feel being lonely/being overly possessed/feels that you will lose him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hiya, well sort of. i've never been cheated on by a boyfriend who had committed to me, but i did date a guy last year for a few months who wouldnt commit and messed around with a lot of other girls behind my back.

    Hey :) I use to be in the same situation as you did, i got with this amazing guy (still with him) does anything to make me happy, says alot of nice things, the sweetest guy i've met. But yet i was still paranoid, he never gave me any reason what so ever to lead me on to think he was talking to other girls, i never thought he was cheating, i was just paranoid that he was texting other girls while he wasnt with me. It was all down to me having some shitty relationships in the past, boys messing behind my back.

    But we had a talk about it, he was thinking the same because hes had some shitty relationships and he was a tad paranoid, and it got sorted and its never been an issue since.

    Try talking to him? Explain its not a matter of you not trusting him, its that you've been hurt in the past and your just worried. If he reasurrures you it will make you feel ALOT better, and its not good for you to keep these feelings from him.

    (sorry if that didnt make sense, im not feeling well and its hard for me to concentrate haha)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    old thread
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh right, so it still can't be answered? Bummer dunno why I bother.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,435 Part of The Furniture
    3036lesson wrote: »
    Oh right, so it still can't be answered? Bummer dunno why I bother.
    It's always best to not bring up old threads as its not fair on the original poster. Most of the time the situation they posted about has been resolved.

    I guess you didnt realise that.. it's cool though now you know.

    :)

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It can still be answered - but you're probably best off starting a new thread that can focus on your topic rather than tagging onto a really old one. A lot of people will only read the first couple of posts and then add on their thoughts at the end of the thread, which means that your bit will get overlooked. If you start a new one - then you'll likely get much better responses.

    (Id' suggest cut and paste from the post above into a new thread).

    Welcome to thesite :)
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