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Unsure of my orientation
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi!
I'm a 22 year old male currently involved in a relationship with a great girl which has lasted for about 5 years to this day.
I've had thoughts/contemplated my orientation, since about 5 months before my relationship had begun.
Thing is, it all started with me being rejected by the very same girl I'm currently with, which I was very sad about. I just couldn't shake the feeling that THIS girl was the one I had to be with, and that pretty much ruined my summer.
One day during that summer I was sitting by the comp, masturbating to the usual porn and accidentaly stumbled on a site with mixed porn, saw an image of a man being fucked and came like a cannon. I think it might have been the shock and total lack of preparation that set me off, but this had me starting to doubt my sexuality.
This continued on all summer and I was in my worst ever state of angst and depression... I had dreams about being homo, I had "reactions" when I tried thinking about dicks and such (my dick 'reacted' rather than becoming erect if you get me).
I could also react sexually to completely asexual situations or imaginations... I felt anything could set of a reaction that was totally disproportionate.
These thoughts carried on relentlessly for a couple of months and made me feel like shit.
They were always present and I didn't find release in any way. I nearly cried a few times from the pressure it put on me.
As I recall, the thoughts somehow became a little less penetrating when I went back to school and after a while my girl and I got together, having grown very fond of eachother despite my lingering depression and her doubts (having broken up with a mutual friend not long ago).
Our relationship has endured alot; my mothers losing battle with cancer being the biggest struggle in the very beginning of our relationship.
We didn't have the best start, so to speak...
I have felt that the matter of my sexuality was never all settled, or rather; I didn't stop thinking about that horrible summer and what it might have meant.
Even though we f'ed like rabbits and enjoyed it, I would still sometimes worry that whenever I had trouble with something in bed it might have something to do with my earlier contemplations. I have come to understand now, 5 years or so later that the troubles I had were in no way unusual. But it led me to a mentality concerning sex that was very much about achievements - being 110% erect, able to last long, being a great lover, etc. I wanted to analyse sex almost every time we'd had it, to see if I could be better.
My relationship with sex was, and is pretty strained, in a way. It's led to me having a hard time getting in the mood while having sex, at least penetration, which I've sometimes feared might have to do with my earlier doubts. I've often been more concious than immersed when fucking.
At times I've watched bi porn out of curiosity and been completely terrified when it set me off... a couple of times I've been on the verge of declaring myself bisexual but wisely reconsidered.
Today things are worse. I got stuck alone in a huge apartment and a sucky job for the whole of this summer and got to thinking about sexuality once more. This time I thought "what the hell, I'll try to get to the bottom of it this time so I know if I'm straight or bi".
This was a mistake, 'cause now I'm completely confused and our sexlife hasn't existed for about a month. I have once again worn myself down with doubts and fear of being completely homosexual despite a history of falling in love/being attracted solely with/to women.
About a month ago I started testing myself by watching gay/bi porn and while the bi-porn was sometimes arousing the gay porn mainly made me feel very anxious and nervous - my heart pounded frantically and I felt awful. Sometimes I thought "if i'd just watched a little longer I might have gotten erect"
I also started thinking back on my relationship and started questioning if my feelings and my attraction was true, which was also horrible. I went through every occasion when I had been aroused by something possibly gay. I used my feelings and attraction for other girls as a shield at times, but no reassurance has sufficed, not even the fact that I've always enjoyed giving my gf oral or that I've always been mad about tits.
I visited my gf a few days to get some relief from the loneliness of our apartment and was madly attracted to her then, aswell as when she finally came home. I wanted her.
Then it just went downhill again, I just couldn't let go off these thoughts.
I grew/ have grown very uncomfortable around men, especially attractive ones - I began thinking about if I might be finding them attractive sexually.
I can have a feeling of being on the verge of an erection just by obsessing over my sexuality, which is just sick...
I still watch gay porn to check how I 'stand', and sometimes I get aroused (or somehow nervous) watching it.
The strange thing is that I don't know what it is about it that sets me off sometimes - but I've had a feeling that I sometimes identify myself physically if I see a man in pleasure. And yet, sometimes a big cock can seem arousing aswell.
It is weird that I can watch more than five different gay porn clips without a reaction aside from being nervous and then react without warning to the 6th or 10th.
I've started having trouble enjoying straight and lesbo porn now too - I get this feeling in my chest, a kind of sadness and feeling of being 'blocked'. I become turned off alot - not disgusted but as if I can't concentrate on my arousal.
But then I might react to something a minute later, a pair of nice boobs or something that way, and I just don't know what to make of it.
I know I've babbled alot already even though I haven't told you half of it,
This whole situation has grown very tiring for me and I can hardly focus on anything else much of the time. I fear I might be gay and I hate thought of never liking women again.
Its all so damn confusing, seeing as I've been attracted to alot of other women during my relationship, but never once a man - physically or mentally.
Have anyone else gone through this? Do you believe one can just 'fabricate' attraction as I've felt it towards women earlier?
I would also like to point out that I have nothing against gay people, and my family has always been very open when it comes to sexuality. My sister is bi nowadays and I've never had a problem with that.
I miss my effortless attraction to women, I miss the 'tension' and excitement I could feel being around an attractive bunch of ladies.
I feel as though this side of my sexuality is pushing my previous attraction away.
It's like it's been replaced with some kind of anxious, angst-provoking feeling of becoming more attracted to men physically. I don't know how to sum it all up, as you've already noticed but I am in bad shape.
Not to mention, I'm in need of opinions/ideas and some kind of advice...
With hopes of response,
Jakob
I'm a 22 year old male currently involved in a relationship with a great girl which has lasted for about 5 years to this day.
I've had thoughts/contemplated my orientation, since about 5 months before my relationship had begun.
Thing is, it all started with me being rejected by the very same girl I'm currently with, which I was very sad about. I just couldn't shake the feeling that THIS girl was the one I had to be with, and that pretty much ruined my summer.
One day during that summer I was sitting by the comp, masturbating to the usual porn and accidentaly stumbled on a site with mixed porn, saw an image of a man being fucked and came like a cannon. I think it might have been the shock and total lack of preparation that set me off, but this had me starting to doubt my sexuality.
This continued on all summer and I was in my worst ever state of angst and depression... I had dreams about being homo, I had "reactions" when I tried thinking about dicks and such (my dick 'reacted' rather than becoming erect if you get me).
I could also react sexually to completely asexual situations or imaginations... I felt anything could set of a reaction that was totally disproportionate.
These thoughts carried on relentlessly for a couple of months and made me feel like shit.
They were always present and I didn't find release in any way. I nearly cried a few times from the pressure it put on me.
As I recall, the thoughts somehow became a little less penetrating when I went back to school and after a while my girl and I got together, having grown very fond of eachother despite my lingering depression and her doubts (having broken up with a mutual friend not long ago).
Our relationship has endured alot; my mothers losing battle with cancer being the biggest struggle in the very beginning of our relationship.
We didn't have the best start, so to speak...
I have felt that the matter of my sexuality was never all settled, or rather; I didn't stop thinking about that horrible summer and what it might have meant.
Even though we f'ed like rabbits and enjoyed it, I would still sometimes worry that whenever I had trouble with something in bed it might have something to do with my earlier contemplations. I have come to understand now, 5 years or so later that the troubles I had were in no way unusual. But it led me to a mentality concerning sex that was very much about achievements - being 110% erect, able to last long, being a great lover, etc. I wanted to analyse sex almost every time we'd had it, to see if I could be better.
My relationship with sex was, and is pretty strained, in a way. It's led to me having a hard time getting in the mood while having sex, at least penetration, which I've sometimes feared might have to do with my earlier doubts. I've often been more concious than immersed when fucking.
At times I've watched bi porn out of curiosity and been completely terrified when it set me off... a couple of times I've been on the verge of declaring myself bisexual but wisely reconsidered.
Today things are worse. I got stuck alone in a huge apartment and a sucky job for the whole of this summer and got to thinking about sexuality once more. This time I thought "what the hell, I'll try to get to the bottom of it this time so I know if I'm straight or bi".
This was a mistake, 'cause now I'm completely confused and our sexlife hasn't existed for about a month. I have once again worn myself down with doubts and fear of being completely homosexual despite a history of falling in love/being attracted solely with/to women.
About a month ago I started testing myself by watching gay/bi porn and while the bi-porn was sometimes arousing the gay porn mainly made me feel very anxious and nervous - my heart pounded frantically and I felt awful. Sometimes I thought "if i'd just watched a little longer I might have gotten erect"
I also started thinking back on my relationship and started questioning if my feelings and my attraction was true, which was also horrible. I went through every occasion when I had been aroused by something possibly gay. I used my feelings and attraction for other girls as a shield at times, but no reassurance has sufficed, not even the fact that I've always enjoyed giving my gf oral or that I've always been mad about tits.
I visited my gf a few days to get some relief from the loneliness of our apartment and was madly attracted to her then, aswell as when she finally came home. I wanted her.
Then it just went downhill again, I just couldn't let go off these thoughts.
I grew/ have grown very uncomfortable around men, especially attractive ones - I began thinking about if I might be finding them attractive sexually.
I can have a feeling of being on the verge of an erection just by obsessing over my sexuality, which is just sick...
I still watch gay porn to check how I 'stand', and sometimes I get aroused (or somehow nervous) watching it.
The strange thing is that I don't know what it is about it that sets me off sometimes - but I've had a feeling that I sometimes identify myself physically if I see a man in pleasure. And yet, sometimes a big cock can seem arousing aswell.
It is weird that I can watch more than five different gay porn clips without a reaction aside from being nervous and then react without warning to the 6th or 10th.
I've started having trouble enjoying straight and lesbo porn now too - I get this feeling in my chest, a kind of sadness and feeling of being 'blocked'. I become turned off alot - not disgusted but as if I can't concentrate on my arousal.
But then I might react to something a minute later, a pair of nice boobs or something that way, and I just don't know what to make of it.
I know I've babbled alot already even though I haven't told you half of it,
This whole situation has grown very tiring for me and I can hardly focus on anything else much of the time. I fear I might be gay and I hate thought of never liking women again.
Its all so damn confusing, seeing as I've been attracted to alot of other women during my relationship, but never once a man - physically or mentally.
Have anyone else gone through this? Do you believe one can just 'fabricate' attraction as I've felt it towards women earlier?
I would also like to point out that I have nothing against gay people, and my family has always been very open when it comes to sexuality. My sister is bi nowadays and I've never had a problem with that.
I miss my effortless attraction to women, I miss the 'tension' and excitement I could feel being around an attractive bunch of ladies.
I feel as though this side of my sexuality is pushing my previous attraction away.
It's like it's been replaced with some kind of anxious, angst-provoking feeling of becoming more attracted to men physically. I don't know how to sum it all up, as you've already noticed but I am in bad shape.
Not to mention, I'm in need of opinions/ideas and some kind of advice...
With hopes of response,
Jakob
0
Comments
Just reading through you're post a few things stood out. First of all the pressure your relationship was under before it really began. When you point to the idea that you have had times when you've felt settled and comfortable with your girl, would you say this has lasted for a few months at a time or is it that these doubts creep up frequently?
Although I've not been in your position exactly, I was in quite a long serious relationship with someone where he had a lot of doubts to begin with (took around a year for it to settle into a proper relationship) so I can understand a bit that fear of rejection can put a lot of pressure on a relationship in terms of sex and feeling in the moment enough to enjoy it fully at times. Ultimately, that was one of the positive things which came out of that relationship ending. It was my first sexual relationship and being a teenager when the relationship started, meant that I didn't have much life experience. So being young and a bit naive I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to make myself relax and make things work with this person. I was scared I wouldn't find anyone else I was attracted enough to have an intimate relationship with. In hindsight, there were enough warning signs before and during the relationship that maybe this guy didn't do a lot to make me feel at ease (comments that I would leave him for someone better/more attractive etc) to justify the effort I was putting in. With time, I have felt more comfortable with just meeting people, getting to know them and seeing if I can find someone who I could potentially have a more straightforward relationship with from the start. You don't mention about how your relationship is, so I'm not saying that necessarily breaking up with your current girlfriend would be the best thing. Just wanted to make the point that it's natural that doubt and anxiety about a relationship can last and sometimes manifest itself in unexpected ways.
Would you say that you can think of any times when you've significantly thought of men in a sexual way before meeting this girl? I wouldn't say it's uncommon to enjoy thinking or find yourself thinking about the same sex and having some form of reaction to that. Sexuality is difficult to define, it does sound as though your attraction is more that on some level you're comfortable looking at naked men, but actually being involved sexually with a man would make you feel uneasy and you've never encountered a situation in real life where you've felt attracted enough to a man in that way to experiment. I'm female and can find naked women very attractive, but in terms of actually doing something sexual with a woman, I feel fairly sure I wouldn't be able to go through with it, and like you, I've never met anyone physically or mentally who I've had that connection with to make me want to try.
Have you ever spoken with a counsellor or anyone about your thoughts on sexuality? I'm just wondering if these thoughts are occupying a lot of your time and affecting your relationship, they may be able to offer some reassurance, methods of coping when you're feeling anxious.
If you are happy in your relationship and still aroused by your girlfriend, then it seems to me there is no desperate need to give yourself a label like 'straight' or 'bi' or whatever - who cares? And if sometimes you are turned on by a bit of gay porn, then great, that's perfectly normal and healthy. You obviously shouldn't cheat on your partner with someone of either sex, but as long as you're happy with her and faithful to her, I don't see why having the occasional fantasy about being with men should pose any kind of problem at all.
But clearly it is posing problems, and that I think comes down to your anxious nature which is making you obsess about what it all means, am I gay or am I straight, what should I do? And this obsession is bound to be distressing and make you uncomfortable. Watching endless amounts of porn to try and work out which you prefer is bound to get depressing and make you feel miserable - I think everyone can agree that while porn is great in moderation, if you watch too much of it you start to feel a bit depressed and it's bound to be a turn off.
So basically, I think you need to relax. Stop obsessing about giving yourself a label and trying to work out which category you belong in. I would call myself straight, have a male partner and have never been with a woman, yet I frequently fantasise about sex with women. But this isn't a big deal, as I wouldn't cheat on my partner, and while I might be a bit curious, that is only natural, and not something to be concerned about.
You and your girlfriend have a happy and mutually supportive relationship, which is fantastic and worth holding on to. So it doesn't really matter what you fantasise about, as long as you are faithful. Try to stop obsessing about it, and just go with the flow!
1. Have I had longer periods without these thoughts?
Yes. At least I believe that. We've had these great periods when everything just seems to flow. Can't remember those times being disturbed by this, at the very least it must've been much less noticeable.
2. Have I had any concious/noticeable attraction to men prior to my relationship?
Yes, well, the summer break about 4 or so months before we got together I stumbled on that piece of porn and it snowballed from there. But prior to that I can't remember ever feeling something similar on any level. I have never felt that I was interested in boys as a youngster/young teen either.
I've always been able to see/think that someone looks good aswell as being envious of the 'cool/good-looking' dudes that got all the girls but I know that's normal. (despite the fact that no man confides much about this to his male buddies)
Regarding our sex life I've been very stressed and turned off about it all.
I think she has a fine body, and I love her even though I've questioned this along this process.
But right now I feel like I almost only see the guys so to speak. It feels like a somewhat involuntary and forced behaviour.
When I looked at girls earlier I first-hand noticed those who were interesting, and now I feel there is little 'reason' behind what catches me.
I feel badly about this, and have a hard time relaxing enough to do anything sexual with my gf even if the possibility came.
Thoughts occur when I touch her sometimes, like; "what if this was a mans ass, would I like it?" which is instantly followed by a very guilty feeling and me gradually stopping up. I feel I cannot go on because I don't want to think, neither do I think I should think about such things while being with her.
The gay thoughts/contemplations that sometimes get to me are hard to explain - once again, I know what it's like to be aroused by a thought/fantasy and this is somehow more irrational than I've experienced before. That said, the reaction can sometimes become very strong.
I've sometimes thought that this might have to do with the forbidden/'dirty' factor of it all, aswell as my tension towards it.
I do not want to be gay, but I fear that I might be or become so. I have to be honest about this, even though it might sound stupid.
I have a really hard time relaxing because I also fear that accepting my potential attraction to men will kill my lust - or rather the opportunity of getting my attraction back for women.
I don't find this 'attraction' that has presented itself especially enjoyable. I just feel like I'm on the verge of getting erect from anything, like there's no way of knowing what'll set me off.
This is also foreign. When I've looked at women I've known what I like and why I find it beautiful/attractive.
As I said I'm afraid of having made a complete turn sexually, I don't see how it's possible with my history of interest in girls.
I now know that most guys have a short phase of questioning but this has been around for so long and I don't know what to make of it even with all this perspective.
I might have repeated myself - I don't know, hehe, it happens alot nowadays, but it's only for clarification.
I've also taken contact with a psychologist with whom I'll possibly meet in a near future.
Thank your for your responses. Any thoughts are considered helpful/beneficial so if anything strikes you about this twisted issue you're more than welcome to give it your 5 cents.