Cant get her out of my head.

Former Member

Hi Folks.
First post, so please dont flame me.

I'm in an awful position.

I'm married, but i have really strong feelings for my first cousin.
I know it's frowned upon, forbidden love and all that, but i cant help it.

We're of similar age, but hadn't really been in contact for most of our childhood, we met up a few months back, had a few drinks, emotions were high, and we ended up kissing.

We knew it was wrong (1. I'm married, 2. Cousin)

But it happened a few times through the night, and also went a bit further later on in the evening.

Now since then, it's never been talked about, we avoid the subject completely, but i've fallen for her, head over heels.

I really dont think she feels the same, so it's never been mentioned.
I wouldn't want to lose her by putting this on her.

I feel that, if we'd grown up together, it would probably be different.
But the fact is, there was an 18 year gap in us being in contact, and if she hadn't have been my cousin, and walked through the door of the pub, i would still have fallen in love with her.

Nobody knows about what happened, i'm not one for talking about things, but i really need to air my feelings, so you guys are getting it.

I just dont know what to do.



Thanks for taking the time to read this.
And please, i dont want it turned into a right/wrong discussion about having feelings about a family member.

Ta.

Former Member

Leaving aside the fact that she's your cousin for a minute.

Do you want to leave your wife? Or were you happily married before all this started?

Former Member

Well im not really sure what to say, but apart from the fact its your cousin, what about your wife? Do you love her? Think about what would happen if you did leave your wife for your cousin. Im not going to judge you, as i can understand that it might be wierd because you didnt really grow up with her.

Former Member

If it wasnt your cousin, it would still be wrong to cheat on your wife.

Former Member

Theres nothing to suggest here, one your married, and two shes your COUSIN, i suggest you get the thoughts out of your mind.


If you confronted her with this and your wife found out...well you know.

Former Member

Err ... actually, marriage between first cousins is legal in most cultures.

However, as a previous poster asked, the more important point is how do you feel about your wife. Are you prepared to leave her for this woman?

Former Member

Well for starters,
Yes i love my wife, would i leave her for my cousin, i very much doubt it.

It wouldn't be worth the upset, and as i've already stated, i dont think my cousin feels the same way anyway.

But, you cant help who you fall in love with. Even if they are beyond reach.

Former Member

soconfused wrote: »

Well for starters,
Yes i love my wife, would i leave her for my cousin, i very much doubt it.

It wouldn't be worth the upset, and as i've already stated, i dont think my cousin feels the same way anyway.

But, you cant help who you fall in love with. Even if they are beyond reach.

In that case, stop seeing your cousin until these silly fancies leave your head. The 'cousin' thing aside, you are married to a woman that you purport to love so grow up and do something about it and take responsibility for your actions.

Former Member

soconfused wrote: »

Well for starters,
Yes i love my wife, would i leave her for my cousin, i very much doubt it.

It wouldn't be worth the upset, and as i've already stated, i dont think my cousin feels the same way anyway.

But, you cant help who you fall in love with. Even if they are beyond reach.

In that case, I suggest you talk to your cousin, explain how you feel and avoid frequent contact. If you don't, I fear you will simply build up a fantasy life around her and end up hurting your wife anyway. There is an article on "emotional affairs" on this site's home page that you might find interesting.

Former Member

Teagan wrote: »

In that case, stop seeing your cousin until these silly fancies leave your head. The 'cousin' thing aside, you are married to a woman that you purport to love so grow up and do something about it and take responsibility for your actions.

:thumb:

Bang on. The fact that this woman is your cousin is really neither here nor there. It's not illegal, and I personally don't think it's immoral in any way. Just a bit unorthodox, and therefore a bit 'icky', but not wrong.

But if you want to be with your wife then you need to stop seeing this woman and as Teagan says, grow up! All relationships get a bit stale and unexciting sometimes, and it's natural to look to other people to bring the rush and thrills you don't get at home any more. But it's a fantasy, nothing more. Your marriage is a good one, you're both happy, and that's worth preserving. You need to cut out all contact with the other woman and focus on your marriage, before your wife finds out and the shit hits the fan. Then you'll end up with nothing.

Former Member

soconfused wrote: »

But, you cant help who you fall in love with. Even if they are beyond reach.

Oh and this is bollocks. You can, people just like to pretend you can't, as it gives you an excuse and a way of copping out of taking responsibility for your actions.

You can't make yourself fall in love with someone, that's true. But you can stop yourself from falling in love with someone, by choosing what to think about, what to focus on, by refusing to indulge your silly romantic notions and fantasies. When we fall in love with someone, it's about 90 percent in our own heads, without any input from them whatsoever - we idealise them, tell themselves how amazing they are, and before we know it, hey, we're in love with them, and we couldn't help it! Rubbish. Start thinking like a grown up and realise how silly and damaging this all is.

Former Member

Thanks for all the replys.

Some good advice, however, i didn't come on here to be told to "Grow up" etc...

Former Member

soconfused wrote: »

Thanks for all the replys.

Some good advice, however, i didn't come on here to be told to "Grow up" etc...

What were you hoping to hear, as a matter of interest?

Former Member

I'm not entirely sure.

As i stated in my first post, i just needed somewhere to vent.

But i certainly dont need to grow up, that's for sure.

Yes, it's a silly situation i've got myself into, however..

Is it likely to lead anywhere ? 90% no.

If it did lead anywhere, would it last, i wouldn't have thought so, given the circumstances.

The fact that she's my cousin shouldn't make a difference, as regardless who it was, i've cheated.

But, it still doesn't help how i feel.

Luckily, she stays about 2 hours away, and we don't see each other often, so it shouldn't be hard to block it out.

Either way, i know i've done wrong, but just wanted to share a little.

Former Member

soconfused wrote: »

But i certainly dont need to grow up, that's for sure.

Children are usually the ones that do not understand responsibility, commitment and the repercussions of dishonesty. That's why I said you ought to 'grow up'.

But the main thing is that you have seen the error of your ways and so good luck to you in getting your life and marriage sorted out. :thumb:

Former Member

I only told you to grow up because I think that's the kind of advice I would appreciate, and indeed, do frequently appreciate. The fact is, getting all misty-eyed and enamoured over someone unattainable when you're in a stable, less-exciting-than-it-used-to-be relationship is perfectly normal and understandable, but it is a sign of emotional immaturity. So yes, I do think you need to grow up. But that's not intended as an insult, I'm guilty of this kind of childish behaviour as much as anyone is.

Former Member

jamelia wrote: »

I only told you to grow up because I think that's the kind of advice I would appreciate, and indeed, do frequently appreciate. The fact is, getting all misty-eyed and enamoured over someone unattainable when you're in a stable, less-exciting-than-it-used-to-be relationship is perfectly normal and understandable, but it is a sign of emotional immaturity. So yes, I do think you need to grow up. But that's not intended as an insult, I'm guilty of this kind of childish behaviour as much as anyone is.

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