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There's no intimacy anymore
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been with my boyfriend for almost seven years and we love each other deeply. Like most couples we have our moments when we're a bit like chalk and cheese, but recently I've been feeling very low and haven't been interested in sex at all. I've been dealing with a lot of stress over the last few weeks, particularly at work, and the problem is made no easier by the contraceptive pill I'm taking.
I'm using Yasmin at the moment after my GP couldn't prescribe Dianette anymore. At first I felt fine, but now I'm about to start the fourth cycle and I feel very depressed. My PMS used to be very predictable: 3 or 4 days of scatty behaviour, a bit panicky, and then I'd be back to normal. But now I'm stuck walking around in a melancholic daze, not really aware of what I'm saying, doing or even going. As such, my sex drive has completely flatlined. It was low to begin with but now it's completely shot.
Of course this can be sorted out by visiting my GP and switching to a different contraceptive pill, but I know that won't suddenly send a spike in my libido. It's not that I don't want sex at all, I genuinely do, but I just don't want the kind of sex my boyfriend's into.
I'll admit outright that where sexual fantasies are concerned I'm totally boring and predictable. I like simple things above all else: spending time kissing, touching, and generally feeling connected. Like most people I've also got a bit of a darker side where at times I enjoy a bit of rough treatment as long as it's playful, but apart from that I honestly don't have any deviant sexual urges. My boyfriend, however, has got a thing for PVC, sex toys, etc. I'll admit I don't have many objections to sex toys, but I have a serious problem with dressing up. On several occasions I've walked into our bedroom and he's left out a kinky outfit for me to wear and it's immediately killed my mood. Most of the time I refuse but sometimes I go along with it despite how horrible it makes me feel.
My boyfriend knows I don't like the kinky outfits at all. I don't mind corsets/basques so much, but it's the fetish stuff I find so difficult to accept. He never forces me into anything I don't want to do, but I'm tired of him trying to persuade me. Like I said before, all I want is a bit of simplicity and tenderness. I don't see why sex has to be like some grimey porn re-enactment. I don't remember the last time we just kissed and cuddled, and that I find very upsetting. It's not as if he's some loveless oaf either, he's incredibly thoughtful and sweet.
Right now I feel hurt and misunderstood. I voiced my concerns a couple of days ago and he reacted as though it was a personal attack on him. As it stands I'm the one full of issues and problems, therefore it's up to me to fix them. So right now there's barely any compromise, but why can't he understand that things won't get better unless there's an effort made on both sides, not just mine?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm using Yasmin at the moment after my GP couldn't prescribe Dianette anymore. At first I felt fine, but now I'm about to start the fourth cycle and I feel very depressed. My PMS used to be very predictable: 3 or 4 days of scatty behaviour, a bit panicky, and then I'd be back to normal. But now I'm stuck walking around in a melancholic daze, not really aware of what I'm saying, doing or even going. As such, my sex drive has completely flatlined. It was low to begin with but now it's completely shot.
Of course this can be sorted out by visiting my GP and switching to a different contraceptive pill, but I know that won't suddenly send a spike in my libido. It's not that I don't want sex at all, I genuinely do, but I just don't want the kind of sex my boyfriend's into.
I'll admit outright that where sexual fantasies are concerned I'm totally boring and predictable. I like simple things above all else: spending time kissing, touching, and generally feeling connected. Like most people I've also got a bit of a darker side where at times I enjoy a bit of rough treatment as long as it's playful, but apart from that I honestly don't have any deviant sexual urges. My boyfriend, however, has got a thing for PVC, sex toys, etc. I'll admit I don't have many objections to sex toys, but I have a serious problem with dressing up. On several occasions I've walked into our bedroom and he's left out a kinky outfit for me to wear and it's immediately killed my mood. Most of the time I refuse but sometimes I go along with it despite how horrible it makes me feel.
My boyfriend knows I don't like the kinky outfits at all. I don't mind corsets/basques so much, but it's the fetish stuff I find so difficult to accept. He never forces me into anything I don't want to do, but I'm tired of him trying to persuade me. Like I said before, all I want is a bit of simplicity and tenderness. I don't see why sex has to be like some grimey porn re-enactment. I don't remember the last time we just kissed and cuddled, and that I find very upsetting. It's not as if he's some loveless oaf either, he's incredibly thoughtful and sweet.
Right now I feel hurt and misunderstood. I voiced my concerns a couple of days ago and he reacted as though it was a personal attack on him. As it stands I'm the one full of issues and problems, therefore it's up to me to fix them. So right now there's barely any compromise, but why can't he understand that things won't get better unless there's an effort made on both sides, not just mine?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Comments
If you go marching in saying that your partner doesn't do x and doesn't do y he's immediately going to be on the defensive. You are making a personal attack on him: that he's ignoring your needs and pressuring you into doing stuff you don't want to do. It's an argument you really don't want to be having.
You need to phrase things along the lines of "we don't do x, we don't do y". Explain what you want from your relationship, in bed and out of bed. Ask him what he wants from your relationship, in bed and out of bed. Work out what you do agree on and work out what you don't agree on. You then have a basis to build on: you know what you both like and you can experiment from there.