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i've had a relapse...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
i started having the screaming and the vivid nightmares and feeling pretty damn low in the past few weeks - nothing bad has happened infact things are getting much better but my mood and the flashbacks are not...

last night was really bad, i had the screaming in my head and me as a little girl running around in circles shouting something quite disturbing at me.

i feel really fucking fragile, and luckily i have my mum around atm, and a very supportive boyfriend, but things that normally would make me feel much better - like a hair cut my mum paid for today, aren't really making the slightest bit of difference.

i've been in quite a lot of pain atm, my joints ache terribly most of the time and i've been spotting for the best part of a week or 2 now...

I went to my very helpful dr, and she's upped my antidepressant dose - so i'm only 50 mg away from the max, and has got in contact with the community mental health team again to see if they can support me again...

i just so angry with myself that i've let this happen...i've meant to have been getting better over the summer and i've jsut been hit with illness after illness and even though everything else is going really well - getting my finances sorted, in a great relationship, still at uni etc,

i'm just not too sure where it all went wrong and how its all going to be put right...


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Twisted Trinity,

    Sorry to hear about how you are feeling at the moment. Much of life can often feel like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but the key is to remain focused on the progress and positive things you have achieved, and it sound's like there are lots of positive things going on in your life at the moment.

    It's great to hear that you have seen your Dr too. Did you also talk to them about the pains and spotting? If not, perhaps you could go back to discuss these symptoms?

    It seems that you being quite hard on yourself. Whilst this is natural, perhaps focusing on the things you have achieved and with the support of your family, boyfriend and Doctors you can continue to move forward instead of looking back at what went 'wrong', especially when what went 'wrong' was most likely out of your control. Be kind to yourself.

    Take care and keep posting - :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have spoken to them and they are now testing me for different bone and muscular disorders, and they have discovered that i have polycystic ovaries but not the syndrome which means that i don't have the insulin resistance...but they are treating it in the same way....

    i'm going to art therapy tomorrow, seeing my old keyworker on friday and the dr again on wednesday...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what you need to remeber when you are feeling like this that its not your fault that you are feeling this way. I know its ok for me to say that but you cannot help they way you feel its out of your control.

    i hope you start to feel better soon

    good luck
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    art therapy went very well, i almost totally opened up. i'm still having the screaming and i was walking down the road today and i suddenly had thoughts of how all these people could possibly hurt me...was a bit scary

    had a good talk with my mum and thats made me feel a lot better - opening up is really scary but i think its a good move forward

    got the community mental health team coming to see me on wednesday
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    saw the community mental health team, and they can't offer me anything long term. they are gonna refer me back to the crisis resolution team and thats pretty much it...

    my doctor is being so supportive, but theres only so much a GP can do.

    what do i do next? i feel like i have to threaten to kill myself before i can get any help!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what it's like with the mental health teams, they really aren't up for doing anything to help most of the time. I've often though about doing something drastic to try and get the help I feel I need, but I know that'll just make the BPD/attention seeker label worse and fairly so really. It is very frustrating though. Even when bad stuff did happen which was unrelated to wanting more help, i was in a+e until they were happy I hadn't done any bad damage, then sent home because they would say that if I was already under a mental health team there was nothing more they needed to do.

    So really, what I'm trying to say is, try to stay away from doing anything drastic, it's unlikely to have the outcome that you'd like. It's more likely to either do you great harm or you'll just get the crisis team which in my experience are useless.

    Other than that, I would say keep talking to family and friends that you can trust and will listen. Also have a look online if there are any mh groups/services led by charities in your area that may be of help to you. Another idea you may want to think about if it's not already been done is medication, if you're already on some maybe you need a change of dose or different kind?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    argh red tape!

    saw the CMHN and i now have a support worker who will i will see once a week, i'm not too sure how i feel about that, and i saw the psychiatrist and he's given me some anti-anxiety medication (pregabalin).

    we talked about me being refered to a traumatic stress clinic - they have no trauma services in my area but they may not be able to get the funding for it because theres no agreement between the NHS trusts

    I've got intouch with a mental health adovcacy and i'm waiting to hear from them. there really aren't many mental health groups that can help - i have had some help in the past from mind, but specifically for PTSD there nothing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Twisted Trinity,

    It seems like you have sought support in all the right places and are now waiting to hear back from them. It is great that you feel so supported by your GP, this relationship can by key to getting the correct medication and support. It sound's like you are really taking control of your situation and asking the right questions. Remember that you have put in the hard work to put these wheels in motion - that is a great achievement.

    We hope that you hear from the advocacy team and your psychiatrist soon.

    Keep posting to let us know how you get on. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    started taking new meds yesterday and they have made a huge difference - feeling pretty good today, still not amazingly happy about the support worker, but i think i need it.

    I'm still reading the courage to heal books and doing the workbook made by a woman caled Angela Shelton.

    my finances are scary tho!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    spent virtually the whole day crying today - i have no money, no food in the cupboards, no one to borrow money off, being told that if i don't get the deposit for this term by the end of the week, i'll be kicked out of my flat. been trying to get the benefits sorted and they've given me the run around, got my social worker involved with the housing stuff, but i just feel so shit...

    i feel like a bad person, i don't want to hurt myself because that would upset people and i still care but i just don't want to exist any more - i kinda want my existance wiped off the face of the earth.

    i feel like i am some kind of leper, contagious and it does feel like i am rotting from the inside out...

    i'm meant to be seeing one GP tomorrow about my physical health stuff - i.e. my pcos and very painful joints, but the GP i feel i can open up to about mental health stuff is away for 2 weeks. i ended up calling the duty social worker tonight because i just didn't know what to do. i have my mum staying with me, i know she's trying to help but it sometimes makes me feel worse. the company does help though...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ended up in A&E again - Dr didn't have a clue she actually really upset me with the things she said and i'm going to make a complaint...

    when will this stop? i've had enough everything is too overwhelming
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