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Taking a year abroad and other relationship stuff (LONG!)....
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys.
This is gonna be a long one so if you don't care, don't read. I haven't posted in a while because some stupid stuff happened and blahblah but everything is ok now except for a few little things. I think I have also outgrown my need for this website now, so I probably won't be posting very often from now on, but JIM I STILL EXPECT AN INVITE TO THE NEXT EVENT LIKE YOU PROMISED.
Anyway.
I posted this in here, despite that intro, because I have relationship questions.
First things first, Rich broke up with me...er...2 and a bit weeks ago. And now I bet I get a whole load of OH NO WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OK? posts from people who don't read properly, but we sorted things out and are back together. We talked about his reasons and I gave him my argument and despite his stupid friends being monumental dickheads (more of that later) we are happier than ever now. I can even have sex. Properly. With little-to-no-pain. YAY ME! etc. It's joyful and I'm happy and I've even come off my ADs and stuff. Everybody do a happy dance.
So, understandably, things changed a lot in that week, the whole dynamic of our relationship shifted and now instead of me being the clingy insecure one that can't do anything without knowing what he's doing, I am the one spending my days doing my own thing and not realising that I haven't spoken to him at all until late evening. This is weird for me, but it feels good. He has gone the other way, and though he's not at the same point of OMG I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU AND KNOW WHERE YOU ARE 24/7 that I was, I now completely understand where he was coming from when he said he needed his own space. So my first question is, what can I do to tell him to back off just a little tiny bit without him getting miserable and thinking I never want to see him?
Second thing, and the title of my post (finally, right?). While we were split up and he was doing his thinking about my side of the argument thing, my mum suggested to me that I take a year out between finishing my current degree and starting my PGCE, either teaching english as a foreign language or doing volunteering somewhere. I loved this idea and I figured I would love to go back to South America and dust off and improve my limited Spanish. I really really want to do this now that I've had the idea planted in my head but now, obviously, there is the problem of me being back in my relationship. The one where my boyfriend is now the slightly clingy one instead of me. Hence my problem. Obviously I wouldn't have a great deal of money while I was out there, and he can only take so much time off work, and so time together would be....short. And almost-never. Which is going to be hard on a long-term relationship which by that point would be at 4 years and counting. The only person I can think of who has done anything like that is Thunderstruck and so I want a few more experiences to see if I would be making a good decision. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of my relationship but at the same time I wouldn't want to go out there and spend the whole time moping.
Last thing (promise), is that since Rich announced to his friends that he was going to break up with me, or even that he was thinking about it, it has become very, very apparent that his housemates, at least, don't like me very much. Or, at all. To be honest, the feeling is entirely mutual, since one of them is a misogynistic arsehole and the other has the brain of a two year old in a 28 year old body, BUT I have, at least, attempted to make an effort since he's lived with them to be friends with them. I thought I was getting somewhere but...not really. I spent the weekend at Rich's house this past weekend and the whole time I was there (except for one night where there were people there who actually didn't treat me with complete indifference or outright ignored me) I spent in Rich's room, playing World of Warcraft and feeling miserable because it was like I was completely invisible. Every time I tried to join in or make conversation with them I got a dirty look and so I just shut up and got on with it. From now on I won't be spending any more time there than I have to, but unfortunately it will be necessary on occasion and I know that the atmosphere when I'm there makes Rich really miserable. I have no idea what their reasons are for disliking me other than that I USED TO spend far too much time at their house. Except also, while I was there, I cooked them food and I cleaned their house because they don't do it themselves (I swear to god I was almost sick when I saw the state of their shower this last weekend). I helped out and I was not in any way intrusive. At all. But they still don't like me. And it's making Rich miserable because he's caught in the middle of them sniping at him about me being there or him spending time with me, and me asking him to stop cleaning up after them and let them do their own fucking cleaning for a change (seriously, in the year they've been in that flat, the most I've seen either of them do is vacuum a little bit, once. They didn't even think it necessary to wipe up the kitchen floor when they spilt some kind of sauce, I shit you not). I don't like seeing Rich all torn between people but I don't really know what I can do. I asked him to talk to them because it's bugging him but I don't really know if he will. So does anyone else have any suggestions?
Again SORRY SORRY for the length. I needed to splurge. Thank you so much for any of you who got this far and for any advice.
Lots of love x
This is gonna be a long one so if you don't care, don't read. I haven't posted in a while because some stupid stuff happened and blahblah but everything is ok now except for a few little things. I think I have also outgrown my need for this website now, so I probably won't be posting very often from now on, but JIM I STILL EXPECT AN INVITE TO THE NEXT EVENT LIKE YOU PROMISED.
Anyway.
I posted this in here, despite that intro, because I have relationship questions.
First things first, Rich broke up with me...er...2 and a bit weeks ago. And now I bet I get a whole load of OH NO WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OK? posts from people who don't read properly, but we sorted things out and are back together. We talked about his reasons and I gave him my argument and despite his stupid friends being monumental dickheads (more of that later) we are happier than ever now. I can even have sex. Properly. With little-to-no-pain. YAY ME! etc. It's joyful and I'm happy and I've even come off my ADs and stuff. Everybody do a happy dance.
So, understandably, things changed a lot in that week, the whole dynamic of our relationship shifted and now instead of me being the clingy insecure one that can't do anything without knowing what he's doing, I am the one spending my days doing my own thing and not realising that I haven't spoken to him at all until late evening. This is weird for me, but it feels good. He has gone the other way, and though he's not at the same point of OMG I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU AND KNOW WHERE YOU ARE 24/7 that I was, I now completely understand where he was coming from when he said he needed his own space. So my first question is, what can I do to tell him to back off just a little tiny bit without him getting miserable and thinking I never want to see him?
Second thing, and the title of my post (finally, right?). While we were split up and he was doing his thinking about my side of the argument thing, my mum suggested to me that I take a year out between finishing my current degree and starting my PGCE, either teaching english as a foreign language or doing volunteering somewhere. I loved this idea and I figured I would love to go back to South America and dust off and improve my limited Spanish. I really really want to do this now that I've had the idea planted in my head but now, obviously, there is the problem of me being back in my relationship. The one where my boyfriend is now the slightly clingy one instead of me. Hence my problem. Obviously I wouldn't have a great deal of money while I was out there, and he can only take so much time off work, and so time together would be....short. And almost-never. Which is going to be hard on a long-term relationship which by that point would be at 4 years and counting. The only person I can think of who has done anything like that is Thunderstruck and so I want a few more experiences to see if I would be making a good decision. I don't want to miss out on opportunities because of my relationship but at the same time I wouldn't want to go out there and spend the whole time moping.
Last thing (promise), is that since Rich announced to his friends that he was going to break up with me, or even that he was thinking about it, it has become very, very apparent that his housemates, at least, don't like me very much. Or, at all. To be honest, the feeling is entirely mutual, since one of them is a misogynistic arsehole and the other has the brain of a two year old in a 28 year old body, BUT I have, at least, attempted to make an effort since he's lived with them to be friends with them. I thought I was getting somewhere but...not really. I spent the weekend at Rich's house this past weekend and the whole time I was there (except for one night where there were people there who actually didn't treat me with complete indifference or outright ignored me) I spent in Rich's room, playing World of Warcraft and feeling miserable because it was like I was completely invisible. Every time I tried to join in or make conversation with them I got a dirty look and so I just shut up and got on with it. From now on I won't be spending any more time there than I have to, but unfortunately it will be necessary on occasion and I know that the atmosphere when I'm there makes Rich really miserable. I have no idea what their reasons are for disliking me other than that I USED TO spend far too much time at their house. Except also, while I was there, I cooked them food and I cleaned their house because they don't do it themselves (I swear to god I was almost sick when I saw the state of their shower this last weekend). I helped out and I was not in any way intrusive. At all. But they still don't like me. And it's making Rich miserable because he's caught in the middle of them sniping at him about me being there or him spending time with me, and me asking him to stop cleaning up after them and let them do their own fucking cleaning for a change (seriously, in the year they've been in that flat, the most I've seen either of them do is vacuum a little bit, once. They didn't even think it necessary to wipe up the kitchen floor when they spilt some kind of sauce, I shit you not). I don't like seeing Rich all torn between people but I don't really know what I can do. I asked him to talk to them because it's bugging him but I don't really know if he will. So does anyone else have any suggestions?
Again SORRY SORRY for the length. I needed to splurge. Thank you so much for any of you who got this far and for any advice.
Lots of love x
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Comments
This is possibly more easily said than done, but tell him as you've told us. Explain that you really are ecstatic about being back together and love him etc, but during your break you learned to be more...self-reliant/independent (not quite the right words maybe, but maybe you can explain it better!) and what's more enjoyed it, and so want a little bit more of your own space now you've found you can enjoy it. It's about enjoying being Franki and doing Franki things as well as being one part of FrankinRich. If that's how he's always been he should understand and his current clinginess is probably short term reaction to having just got back together. And, of course, you'll both have to learn to be more self reliant when you go to South America.
I'd been with my boyfriend for about 18 months when I went for my year abroad in Hanover. We managed by a combination of MSN/webcam late night chats, the odd phonecall and the very occasional visit: I went away in August or September, he visited me for a few days in November; I went back for Christmas and 6 weeks in between semesters (although even then, I was living in Bath and he was in London, so that wasn't 6 weeks of continuous visits), and then he visited at the end of the year in late July and we went on holiday. It was difficult sometimes, sometimes I missed him like crazy, and maybe I missed out on a couple of things when I prioritised webchats with my boyfriend over other stuff that was going on, but in general I think I achieved the balance - I got on well with most of my flatmates, enjoyed my courses, got involved in a uni society, went to parties, went out with other Erasmus people, went on a trip to Berlin etc etc. So, yes, if you completely throw yourself into life there, it is possible to minimise the moping - and just think, the more you do, the more exciting stuff you'll have to tell him when he rings. Travel costs are going to be an issue, but work out when the best time to book tickets is to get the cheapest deal, and try and make sure you both fly out to see each other at least once, making a proper holiday of it.
I can see how it was easier for us: it was in the days of dirt cheap flights and I was only in Germany, so slightly more frequent visits were possible, and in any case we were already long distance and fairly used to being quite independent (he's never been much of a one for phone calls, so even when we were both in the UK, he'd often only phone once a week, interspersed with the odd text etc). But hell, we still did it. And 6 years later we are still together, in our own flat etc. So there's no reason why it shouldn't work out. I'd say go for it:thumb:
Sorry this isn't a long response, I'm leaving the office now, but if you've got your heart set on it you should look into it. Otherwise you might end up resenting him because you stayed home for him.
Is he quite friendly with them? Because if I was in that situation and it was clear my housemates didn't like my boyfriend, i'd just ask them casually if there was something wrong or maybe hint to them that they could make a little bit more of an effort.
I guess it's difficult though because if he asks and they say you they don't like you for whatever reason it could get awkward for him to live with them as i'd imagine he'll diasgree with their reasons and once he tells you the reason, it could be awkward for you to go round. So.. I don't know.. maybe instead of finding out exact reasons it might be better if he could just ask them to be a bit more civil and make it more pleasant for everyone.
As for going away, it will be difficult but it's something you want to do so you should do it. And he loves you so no matter how hard it will be he should encourage you to follow your dreams. A year isn't that long in the scheme of things and it sounds as though you've got a lot of things out in the open now and are at a good place in your relationship so you going away for a year shouldn't affect that. If you don't do it there's a chance you'll regret it and end up resenting him for it.
I think Kat_B's got this spot on :yes:
And the extra independence and confidence you get from doing something like this shouldn't be discounted either: I'm not sure whether if I hadn't done my Erasmus year I'd have been quite so happy to do all my research jaunts for my PhD - which took me out of the country for 3 months in 2007 - but I knew I could do it, as I'd been there before, so it left me much less fazed by the prospect.
There's your answer. Some people still live in the playground.
Rich doesn't like Franki.
Fred is Rich's friend.
Therefore Fred must not like Franki (to be Rich's friend)
Then you get back together but they can't get themselves out 'don't like Franki' mode. And men are usually far more childish than women in these matters.
It's pathetic. Look at when some relationships break up and the friends have to 'choose sides'. I mean WTF ?
As for the cleaning. Well i've seen it all over the place. People get something for nothing and they'll abuse it wholesale. It's one of life's little mysteries. If you were their paid cleaner, they'd more than likely tidy up before you came. So fuck 'em. If you go there, clean your own stuff you use and let 'em sit in shit.
Basically, fuck 'em.
As for the year abroad thing, it can work very well if the strength of the relationship is there. One of my best friends has been living in Brussels and London whilst her fiance has been working in Dubai. They see each other once every couple of months, but because of that it's special. I think at your age and with your lack of obligations it's something you should really think about doing, it can only make you stronger.