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Insecurities
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I think this is the right section to put this in, either this, or health and wellbeing, but i think its abit of both.
I really want to know how to deal with having insecurities and anexity. Alot of it has risen cause my boyfriend is going off to uni, but i dont know why im feeling all of these feelings, i trust him, i really do. I know he wouldnt hurt me, and he knows i wouldnt hurt him. I just need to make sense of all this, i've had these feelings for a long time, i dont know if its down to past relationships that i've had; lies, using and cheating in a sense...(flirting with girls over msn, telling them that your single). But my boyfriend has been treated the same in his past relationships, probally worse, but he seems deal with his anexity much better than i do.
I just need tips on how to deal with it, i know the distance is going to put a toll on the realtionship as it is without me putting its toll on it with all these feelings.
Some days i can wake up thinking right this can work i know it can, but other days i can feel incredibly down, as potentially i can loose this amazing boy.
So yeah, any good tips to deal with it? Without me getting over this I really think our relationship will have an experiry date for about 4 months time :crying:
I really want to know how to deal with having insecurities and anexity. Alot of it has risen cause my boyfriend is going off to uni, but i dont know why im feeling all of these feelings, i trust him, i really do. I know he wouldnt hurt me, and he knows i wouldnt hurt him. I just need to make sense of all this, i've had these feelings for a long time, i dont know if its down to past relationships that i've had; lies, using and cheating in a sense...(flirting with girls over msn, telling them that your single). But my boyfriend has been treated the same in his past relationships, probally worse, but he seems deal with his anexity much better than i do.
I just need tips on how to deal with it, i know the distance is going to put a toll on the realtionship as it is without me putting its toll on it with all these feelings.
Some days i can wake up thinking right this can work i know it can, but other days i can feel incredibly down, as potentially i can loose this amazing boy.
So yeah, any good tips to deal with it? Without me getting over this I really think our relationship will have an experiry date for about 4 months time :crying:
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Comments
Most people start out insecure, like most people freeze in a cold room. (except for eskimos). But if you spend a lot of time walking barefoot on tiles and don't heat a lot you get used to it. It's the same with insecurities. If you think about it logically and say, "there is nothing to be upset about." but you are still upset it's like you are freezing in a room whereas someone else is hot (he wouldn't be bothered about it).
Experience and getting accustomed to things kill off insecurities time after time, but not to freeze in a cool room you have to be there a lot.
Will probably make little sense. my analogies backfired, but bear with me. Just always thing it through logically, "there is no good reason why i'm upset" and soon you will notice it doesn't bother you anymore.
Not to say that it'll happen to you, but I'd advise you to keep an eye open.
Anyway, your real problem is your insecurity which will get worse unless you get a grip of your feelings and understand that you trust your boyfriend and that he loves you and won't cheat on you. Just enjoy the fact that while he's away he'll be counting down the days until he comes home to you
I really like this idea of taking it one day at a time, not worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow, thanks for that
That made alot of sense! eventhough the analogie its quite strange, it made sense. Hopefully, if i dont let it bother me, it wont have an effect on our realtionship. that last thing i want is it to effect us, tottaly change us as a couple, and also i dont it to put strain on his lifestyle at uni (as in going out to clubs, to events, meeting new people) i dont want to ruin his experience because of little o'me and my insecuries and anexity.
I dont think that will happen to us, hes always said (infact both of us have said) that we'd never get ourselves into a situation where we'd give the guy/girl the impression that we like them more of friends, like texting them all the time, talking to them on msn alot and such. And that if the person started flirting or showing some interest in that way, that we'd make sure that they know that we are in a loving relationship and end communications with them. (I really dont know if that made sense
And I know i will deffiantly be counting the days down till i see him, and i really think that the distance between us will make our love more stronger. I can safely say that if uni wasnt standing in the way of us we'd be together for a long time, im still hoping thats the case even with him going to uni.
If you dont mind me asking jazza, how did you deal with your girlfriend texting these guys alot?
I was also wondering (i think this is going to sound quite stupid) but is it actually possible to get rid of your insecruites and anexity for good? I really think if they arnt delt with, they will become more and more worse over the years, i'd rather nip this in the bud while i can.
Thanks for your replys guys!:thumb:
But there are definitely definitely ways you can learn to cope with anxiety in a positive way to the extent that it wont get in the way of anything you want to do
As for university, I think couples definitely can survive it, but from what I've seen, it almost seems to be part of the culture in some parts that partners back home don't 'count'. I'm not saying this to worry you at all by the way, just to bear in mind that your boyfriend is going to want to try new things (not necessarily new people!), and you might have to get used to that. Before I went to University, I'd never heard of ring of fire, after my first year I'd been running aroud the campus in my underwear. Obviously the antics calm down after freshers but University is a big experience and it does change you, so you need to be prepared that he might be interested in different things and have different priorities (which I stress isn't necessarily a bad thing!).
Damn, wouldnt the world be lovely if we could take a pill and it would magically go away
And i think couples can survive it aswell, its just you never see any body making a thread about how perfectly their relationship is going or how they survived long distance relationship, you just hear more about the negative things and i've only just realised this. I kinda always thought that we were more likely to break up because of the distance than survive just because you always hear the negative storys, when really it could be the other way around.....I hope.
And i have heard of storys where one of the couples think as their partner doesnt count because they are at home (this happened last september to one of my friends and ended in a horrible way) at the time it actually put me off going into a long distance where my boyfriend was at uni, but after delving into the situation abit more and got more details, they really didnt try to make it work, they did give up as soon as there was a bump in the road, so i dont think it was down to uni, it was down to them not being a good couple. Which makes me happy, as me and my boyfriend have been kinda branded one of the best couples that most people have ever met.
And, strubbles technique does actually work! When i was reading shy boys post, i actually got worried of the stuff he will be doing in freshers week ;/ not cheating! but the antics he will be getting up to....and telling myself that theres nothing to get upset about actually helped
Its werid, i know he will be wanting to to try new stuff, and im the type of person to think of ever situation so im kinda "prepared" if it happens and i know how to deal with it, but when someone else says it or mentions what he will be doing (even though i've thought the same thing) it really takes me aback, and sets my anexity off.
1. Recognise what triggers your anxiety, and what your anxiety is like. Do you start feeling a bit hot, do you get stomach cramps? This will often go on subconciously, so it can help to conciously notice and say to yourself 'I'm getting anxious'. This is because, if we say our anxiety levels go from 1-10, the better we get at realising we are getting anxious, then we can detect anxiety when we are maybe at level 3, instead of level 10 - which makes it a lot easier for us to overcome it.
2. Distraction. When we feel ourselves getting anxious, a good way to break the mental cycle where we keep thinking over and over and over again is to find something else to do. This has to go hand in hand with one, when we feel ourselves becoming upset or worried if we take preventative steps - maybe a change of activity or conversation or anything - we can stop ourselves getting to level 10. Distraction isn't hiding the problem at all, those of us who suffer with anxiety do so in much the same way as everyone else - anxiety is normal - but we just overreact a bit at times
3. Breathing techniques and calming memories. These are for when things get a bit too much. Try and picture a time in your mind when you were extremely happy and relaxed. For me, it's when I was on a boat in Thailand with my brother and my dad under a nights sky! Picture yourself in this memory and really focus on the little details - how the temperature felt against your skin, the subtle changes in peoples voices and all sorts like that. While you're doing this, breath slowly and deeply - imagine the tides coming in and out. This always helps me if I get very anxious and brings me back down to a more reasonable level.
4. Positive mental attitude. This is something I developed myself over a few years, after I learnt to cope with my anxiety. Basically, try and approach situations optimistically. Smile at people. I have found that being very positive really helps put me in a happy frame of mind, and makes it much harder to start worrying too much about things. When I used to dread going out into town with friends, I now just ignore that and focus on what a great time I'm going to have, imagining the people I might meet and the experiences I might have. It gets me really excited and I forget that I was ever worried!
Sticking to this over a long time almost subverts your anxiety, at least it did with me. I imagine it in my mind like... someone who might be addicted to something like cigarrettes, well one day they force themselves not to smoke, and its difficult... and every single day they need to force themselves not to smoke. Then one day, 5 years later, they realise that they don't really crave smoking anymore.
Anxiety isn't an addiction though, so it might be a crappy analogy, but basically if you hold off and stop yourself panicking enough, then it gets to the point where all these techniques you use to stop yourself being anxious become second nature, where every time you feel anxious you automatically do whatever works for you... to the point where it's just who you are and the anxiety never really bothers you like it used to.
Of course, if you're really struggling with anxiety, I'd recommend you see a GP, because they will be able to help you and point you in the right direction. Good luck!
I was also thinking of keeping a diary of my feelings, just another way to vent feelings rather than on my boyfriend and easier to find my triggers! Thank you again!
And jazza, that must be hard to keep cool, i know i would find it very hard to not say something to my partner and i know they werent doing much to put the person off....arghh, i hope it doesnt happen to me!