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New Relationship........Please Help.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi Guys 
I have a long and weird story to tell but please stick with me
. I realy would like your advice and help.
O.K about 6 weeks ago I met the most wonderfull and beautifull woman that I have ever seen but altho everything seems to be going great I have a huge problem that is starting to become a problem between us.
I think its best that I start at the very beginning to help you know where I am coming from.
Ever since I was born I was brought up in a house with a loving mother but a very violent farther.
The reason my farther was so violent was because he had a nervouse breakdown and was a very jelouse man due to the fact that my mother slept with one man before him.
When she was pregnant with me they moved into a new house and while trying to re-deckorate the place he lost his temper with her and hit her and started to kick her in the stomach. Due to this there where huge pregnancy problems and the doctors all thought I would be born death,bumb,blind etc.
They decided to keep me and hope for the best, fortunautley all turned out fine and I was o.k, but due to the circumstances my mother told him if he ever layed another hand on her again she would leave him.
He never did hurt her again but instead he turned his anger problem onto me. I have a older sister but because he was so violent she went to live and was brought up by my grandmother but i was left at home to be raised in a violent and sadistic enviroment.
All due to my mother sleeping with one guy before him.
Due to this I was his punching bag for over 16 years etc.
It was drilled into me from a early age to only marry a virgin ("dont make the same mistake I made ") etc.
I know this is bullshit and I do not share my farthers views in any way but I was always made to feel you should save yourself for the one you love.
My sister lost her virginity when she was 15 so ever since he has classed her as a slag etc. He basicaly cut off his feelings for her due to her sleeping with someone while so young. Ever since this everytime she met and slept with someone new he re-classed her as a slag.
Due to this I have always kept myself to myself and just looked for the one woman I wanted to be with.
Altho I have has offers of sex from variouse women in my past I never felt cumfortable due to my (programming) as it where.
I remained a virgin for 27 years and I finnaly met the first woman who I truly love.
We have been together for only 6 weeks now but it seems a lot longer and we both are so much in love.
The only downside is she told me about her previouse relationships and even tho it wont get in the way of us I just can not help but feel upset by them.
She told me she lost her virginity when she was 15 (like my sister) to a guy why just used her for sex. Then she had a 4 year relationship with a guy called Dave. Then she had a one night stand with a old work collegue and then had a 2 year relationship with a guy called Richard.
6 years pass and she then met me.
I know her past is her past and I am o.k with that but ever since we have been together her past is coming up all the time and not from me.
I just want to move on but her ex's keep popping up to spoil things etc.
Here are some examples.
The night after our first date she had a huge 30 birthday party and she told me via email that she was looking foreward to seeing her old friend again.
I had a strong feeling this friend was a ex but I thought my past was just making me parranoid.
I thought to myself, it will be a old girlfriend, turned out to be a bloke.
I then thought he is probably just a friend, turned out to be her 4 year ex.
I then thought I was walking into something I shouldnt if she still had feelings for him.
On our 3rd date I found out that she had 3 friends stay over at her house after the party, two girls and Dave. I asked "where did Dave sleep", She then told me he slept 2 nights in her bed with her but "Nothing Happend". She then went with him to the train station to see him off.
I was a little optimistic about this and the conversation has cropped up several times but she still assures me nothing happend and he is only a friend.
I do belive her now but just the fought of her sleeping next to him the night after our first date just kills me inside.
In a different conversation she told me she once loved Dave but they just grew apart but have stayed friends ever since. Even tho she still kept a photograph of her and him together on her fireplace.
The next time was we where in bed and she was showing me all her sexual toys and items etc. Books, Videos etc.
She showed me a "I owe you" gift voucher that has sexual things in it like, "I owe you a sensual back massage" etc. She started to read a few of them out then came to a part that had vouchers ripped off. "I said so who where they for", she then replied "My ex Richard".
I'm sorry but that just killed the mood for me and she knew I was not interested anymore.
I then was told most of her sex toys/items where when she was with Richard over 6 years ago. Why would she want to use them with me when they where used with him ?.
She knew it botherd me so she threw everything she said was her's and Richards out for the trash.
last week we made love and when it came to the cuddle up and relax part she got a phonecall from Dave on her mobile and again that killed the mood. She told him she would ring him back and speak to him soon but the timeing was terrible.
She knows about my past and how I feel and she tells me she loves me and I am the best boyfriend she has ever had and she wants to grow old with me and have marrage and kids etc. I know its very early days but we have talked about it and we are talking about moving in together soon.
Unfortunatley she olny lives two doors down from where she lived with Richard. I told her I would like to start a fresh in a new and neutral house for us both, She is fine with that so she is willing to leave the past where it.
Unfortunatley I am having trouble doing the same.
Everytime I stay over at her house I am thinking.
This is the bed she got with Richard and had Dave in it the night after our first date.
Why would she keep a photo of her and Dave on her fireplace for me to see if she does love me. (she has since took it down).
when we make love I sometimes think, She has done this with him/them.
Am I just guy no.5 ?
She says she loves me but she also said that to Dave and Richard, so what makes me special.
Just last week I found out (from her friend) that her other friends husband came onto her not so long ago.
I know I have a problem and please dont flame me because I am here for your help. I realy want to make this work with her but even tho its a typical way to feel being a bloke i.e male pride, I have a fu##ed up past and I feel it sometimes comes back to haunt me.
My farther could not let go of the past so I feel ashamed I feel jelouse in a simular way.
I have always prided myself on being a better man than my farther and I know I would never hurt her or my kids but sometimes I feel scared I am on the road to the dark side as it where. I'm 98% shure I wont but that 2% still scares me.
We have talked about this in great depth and we have both said to forget each others pasts but its one thing to say and another thing to do.
I think what makes it harder for me is knowing she still communicates with Dave. She still has photos of him on her facebook site etc, just little things like that.
It also hurts to think I kept myself for someone special when all along if I slept around I may not feel the same way as I do now. i.e we both have a history etc.
I am not loseing her other this but I can not help the way I feel.
Can anyone please give some help or tips or have you ever felt the same way with your partner ? if so what happend ? etc.
Sorry for the rant guys
Any help or advice will be great.
Thank.
I have a long and weird story to tell but please stick with me
. I realy would like your advice and help.O.K about 6 weeks ago I met the most wonderfull and beautifull woman that I have ever seen but altho everything seems to be going great I have a huge problem that is starting to become a problem between us.
I think its best that I start at the very beginning to help you know where I am coming from.
Ever since I was born I was brought up in a house with a loving mother but a very violent farther.
The reason my farther was so violent was because he had a nervouse breakdown and was a very jelouse man due to the fact that my mother slept with one man before him.
When she was pregnant with me they moved into a new house and while trying to re-deckorate the place he lost his temper with her and hit her and started to kick her in the stomach. Due to this there where huge pregnancy problems and the doctors all thought I would be born death,bumb,blind etc.
They decided to keep me and hope for the best, fortunautley all turned out fine and I was o.k, but due to the circumstances my mother told him if he ever layed another hand on her again she would leave him.
He never did hurt her again but instead he turned his anger problem onto me. I have a older sister but because he was so violent she went to live and was brought up by my grandmother but i was left at home to be raised in a violent and sadistic enviroment.
All due to my mother sleeping with one guy before him.
Due to this I was his punching bag for over 16 years etc.
It was drilled into me from a early age to only marry a virgin ("dont make the same mistake I made ") etc.
I know this is bullshit and I do not share my farthers views in any way but I was always made to feel you should save yourself for the one you love.
My sister lost her virginity when she was 15 so ever since he has classed her as a slag etc. He basicaly cut off his feelings for her due to her sleeping with someone while so young. Ever since this everytime she met and slept with someone new he re-classed her as a slag.
Due to this I have always kept myself to myself and just looked for the one woman I wanted to be with.
Altho I have has offers of sex from variouse women in my past I never felt cumfortable due to my (programming) as it where.
I remained a virgin for 27 years and I finnaly met the first woman who I truly love.
We have been together for only 6 weeks now but it seems a lot longer and we both are so much in love.
The only downside is she told me about her previouse relationships and even tho it wont get in the way of us I just can not help but feel upset by them.
She told me she lost her virginity when she was 15 (like my sister) to a guy why just used her for sex. Then she had a 4 year relationship with a guy called Dave. Then she had a one night stand with a old work collegue and then had a 2 year relationship with a guy called Richard.
6 years pass and she then met me.
I know her past is her past and I am o.k with that but ever since we have been together her past is coming up all the time and not from me.
I just want to move on but her ex's keep popping up to spoil things etc.
Here are some examples.
The night after our first date she had a huge 30 birthday party and she told me via email that she was looking foreward to seeing her old friend again.
I had a strong feeling this friend was a ex but I thought my past was just making me parranoid.
I thought to myself, it will be a old girlfriend, turned out to be a bloke.
I then thought he is probably just a friend, turned out to be her 4 year ex.
I then thought I was walking into something I shouldnt if she still had feelings for him.
On our 3rd date I found out that she had 3 friends stay over at her house after the party, two girls and Dave. I asked "where did Dave sleep", She then told me he slept 2 nights in her bed with her but "Nothing Happend". She then went with him to the train station to see him off.
I was a little optimistic about this and the conversation has cropped up several times but she still assures me nothing happend and he is only a friend.
I do belive her now but just the fought of her sleeping next to him the night after our first date just kills me inside.
In a different conversation she told me she once loved Dave but they just grew apart but have stayed friends ever since. Even tho she still kept a photograph of her and him together on her fireplace.
The next time was we where in bed and she was showing me all her sexual toys and items etc. Books, Videos etc.
She showed me a "I owe you" gift voucher that has sexual things in it like, "I owe you a sensual back massage" etc. She started to read a few of them out then came to a part that had vouchers ripped off. "I said so who where they for", she then replied "My ex Richard".
I'm sorry but that just killed the mood for me and she knew I was not interested anymore.
I then was told most of her sex toys/items where when she was with Richard over 6 years ago. Why would she want to use them with me when they where used with him ?.
She knew it botherd me so she threw everything she said was her's and Richards out for the trash.
last week we made love and when it came to the cuddle up and relax part she got a phonecall from Dave on her mobile and again that killed the mood. She told him she would ring him back and speak to him soon but the timeing was terrible.
She knows about my past and how I feel and she tells me she loves me and I am the best boyfriend she has ever had and she wants to grow old with me and have marrage and kids etc. I know its very early days but we have talked about it and we are talking about moving in together soon.
Unfortunatley she olny lives two doors down from where she lived with Richard. I told her I would like to start a fresh in a new and neutral house for us both, She is fine with that so she is willing to leave the past where it.
Unfortunatley I am having trouble doing the same.
Everytime I stay over at her house I am thinking.
This is the bed she got with Richard and had Dave in it the night after our first date.
Why would she keep a photo of her and Dave on her fireplace for me to see if she does love me. (she has since took it down).
when we make love I sometimes think, She has done this with him/them.
Am I just guy no.5 ?
She says she loves me but she also said that to Dave and Richard, so what makes me special.
Just last week I found out (from her friend) that her other friends husband came onto her not so long ago.
I know I have a problem and please dont flame me because I am here for your help. I realy want to make this work with her but even tho its a typical way to feel being a bloke i.e male pride, I have a fu##ed up past and I feel it sometimes comes back to haunt me.
My farther could not let go of the past so I feel ashamed I feel jelouse in a simular way.
I have always prided myself on being a better man than my farther and I know I would never hurt her or my kids but sometimes I feel scared I am on the road to the dark side as it where. I'm 98% shure I wont but that 2% still scares me.
We have talked about this in great depth and we have both said to forget each others pasts but its one thing to say and another thing to do.
I think what makes it harder for me is knowing she still communicates with Dave. She still has photos of him on her facebook site etc, just little things like that.
It also hurts to think I kept myself for someone special when all along if I slept around I may not feel the same way as I do now. i.e we both have a history etc.
I am not loseing her other this but I can not help the way I feel.
Can anyone please give some help or tips or have you ever felt the same way with your partner ? if so what happend ? etc.
Sorry for the rant guys
Any help or advice will be great.
Thank.
0
Comments
I would just like to say that chances are your father would have been a violent man *regardless* of whether your mother had slept with anyone prior to him or not. The only person responsible for his violence is him, not your mother, not you, not your sister. He might have used this as an excuse, but it is not the real reason he treated your family in the way he did.
As for the rest of your post, understandably your father's attitude and actions have probably had a bit of an impact on you and the way you view relationships/women. The most important thing to remember, is that your girlfriend is with you and she loves you. If she had feelings for or wanted to be with Dave/Richard/whoever, then chances are they would still be together, but there is a reason these men are her exes.
You have to learn to accept that your partner, and indeed most women you meet, are going to have a past. When you've been in a relationship with someone for any length of time, they do have an impact on your life, and it isn't possible to completely erase someone from your past (nor should you have to, if you don't want to). It sounds like she has tried to be accommodating with regards to taking the photo down, getting rid of sex toys etc. but none of this will erase the fact that she did have previous relationships with these men, and has had sex with them. It is this fact that you need to come to terms with I think, rather than feeling as though she should be erasing all evidence of her previous partners to attempt to solve the problem.
The fact she still communicates with one of her exes doesn't mean anything either; I'm still in touch with one of mine over facebook/msn from years ago, just because we didn't have a nasty break up and it is nice to hear how him and his family are doing. But there are absolutely no feelings there whatsoever and it in no way impacts my current relationship. I know letting her past go is probably easier said than done, but that is what I think needs to happen here - acknowledge and accept these past relationships, and also the fact that these men still exist and that she may have some communication with them from time to time, let all of this go and focus on building a happy future for the two of you together.
First i'd like to say you sound like you're being far too hard on yourself although given your past it's understandable that you're terrified you're going to turn into your father. I think the chances of that are very slim since you obviously care about people and also take responsibility for your own actions. As Firefly has said, there is absolutely no excuse for violence especially towards your wife and children so your father is a coward and a bully and i would imagine has deep rooted mental problems of his own (sounds like he was conditioned similar to what he tried to do to you).
Regarding your girlfriend. In this day and age it is rare that you will find anyone without a past. I'm a firm believer in it shapes who we are today. To be honest i can see where you're coming from with regards to a few of your points.
I wouldn't be very happy hearing that my partner had shared a bed with their ex no matter how "just friends" they are. I'd find it disrespectful and would think well they could have slept on the sofa! So yes i'd be not chuffed by this too.
I also wouldn't be happy about being asked to use sex toys which were used throughout a relationship but then that's just me and my OCD i'd imagine
But yes, you are going to need to start accepting a few points if your relationship can move forward.
1) She has taken down the photograph, that means she is thinking of your feelings and respects your relationship
2) These men are "ex's" for a reason e.g. something wasn't right
3) The majority of us have to shop around before we find the right one - maybe in her mind she now feels she has done!
4) She's thrown all the toys out so again she's respecting your feelings.
5) She's gone 6 years without a relationship or sleeping with anyone else, in my book that qualifies as holding out for the right bloke to come along! And she's decided it's you and no-one else.
I would just like to say a big thank you for your posts
I would have replied sooner but I was staying with my girlfriend for a few days so this is my first chance to reply.
We have spoken about this with each other and we are both still focused on our future rather than our past.
I know this subject will bother me for well probably all my life, there will always be a little voice saying something negative due to my upbringing but why should it spoil any chance of happiness I may have for the future.
I have been looking for 27 years to find someone very special so why should mine and her past spoil a good future
Many thanks.
So on one day you have been going out a few months
http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showpost.php?p=2247402&postcount=1
Then the day after it is just a month
Oh dear! Sharp as a tack Mr G! Lol!
Who cares? Who appointed you the boards consistency police? The guy wants some advice, and it's hardly relevant whether it's been a month or a few months, is it?
Though after the past couple of times I have seen things on here, If people want and need advice, surely to help them better, they need to be truthful about things, and wildly differing dates and facts do make some people wonder what else they might have changed. Im not saying people are deliberately misleading on here, but sometimes the advice offered and given can vary wildly on certain facts and circumstances, depending on information that is either omitted, slightly (but innocently) changed, or plain out lie to try and avoid the appearance of looking bad.
Im not out to say people are liars and should clean up their stories, but it does tend to help when there is as much of a story to consider as possible, and if this guy had been going out with this woman a very short period of time, my advice would be different from that of if he had been dating her a while. I tailor my advice where I can to generally help the situation. The other user I picked up about inconsistancies, keeps on posting the same threads on a near constant basis when they dont need to, thats a genuine issue, in here im just trying to figure out how I need to put my advice accross.
If he hasnt been going out with this woman very long, it might be a completely different woman from the one he had been dating for months, therefore some of the advice people have given in the other thread might be irrelevant, if its the same person, then i might be able to read over some of the older posts and get a bit more of a background.
So yeah guys, dont get so pent up on having a kneejerk reaction. Seems as if someone in here has appointed themselves the bullshit police, when they perhaps need to take a step back and realise the consistancy police can sometimes help in certain situations.
I do happen to disagree with you though - I think people can ask for advice here without needing to be consistent, or even truthful. If we don't think it all stacks up, we can always ignore the thread and not waste our time replying. But it doesn't seem helpful to go round picking out people's inconsistencies, that's all.
Anyway, enough thread hijacking, that's not helpful to this guy's problem either.
But as jamelia says, back to topic.
If you must know we have been together for 6 weeks and she has just set off on hoilday today so I wont see her for a week.
I know 6 weeks is not long but I can not help the way I or we feel.
I realy appriciate peoples help and not someone who is just trying to "catch me out" and poke holes in my logic.
Peace :thumb:
So dont worry about it