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Tearing myself apart
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok. First of all, I've had a bit to drink. This is the only bit that will make sense as I'm trying stupidly hard for this to make sense. Thanks.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS FUCKING FUCKITY SHIT!!!!!1
Earlier I told my mujm I'd been seeing a psychologist since Feb. She freaked out and says she wants to talk to me in the morning. Since I arrived back at uni I treid to call some people and my friend in Bury St Edminds said he'd call me back but my phone fucked up but before it did one of the powers that be in a society I;m in text me asking to come out and I couldn't and she's worried about me and so many people who aren't even involved are worried about me and I don't wnt to talk to my mum tomorrow but U have to and I've kept my flatmate awake for 2 hours talking about stuff and she's tried to help bit nothing anyone says ot foes makes me feel better, I know they mean well but they either tell me I'll meet someohne else, someone better, or they tell me that they never liekd my ex anyway and they're not making me feel any better and IU know this makes no sense but I'm past the poujnt of caring and I wish I was dead and I know od people wish I was 'cos other people on here have made very nasty fb stauses about people, who aren't even involveved oint this.
I wish I was dead. I wish this made more sense. I'm tearing myself apart mentally and emotionally and physically I can't stop scratching my torso and my scalp and I'm so so so sorry and wish to whichever God may or may not exist that this wasnj't happening and I didn't feel like this but I can'r help it. I can't deal with this any more, I know it would hurt a lot of people but I want to end this so badly, I can't take this any mor.e
I am so sorry:crying: :crying: :crying:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS FUCKING FUCKITY SHIT!!!!!1
Earlier I told my mujm I'd been seeing a psychologist since Feb. She freaked out and says she wants to talk to me in the morning. Since I arrived back at uni I treid to call some people and my friend in Bury St Edminds said he'd call me back but my phone fucked up but before it did one of the powers that be in a society I;m in text me asking to come out and I couldn't and she's worried about me and so many people who aren't even involved are worried about me and I don't wnt to talk to my mum tomorrow but U have to and I've kept my flatmate awake for 2 hours talking about stuff and she's tried to help bit nothing anyone says ot foes makes me feel better, I know they mean well but they either tell me I'll meet someohne else, someone better, or they tell me that they never liekd my ex anyway and they're not making me feel any better and IU know this makes no sense but I'm past the poujnt of caring and I wish I was dead and I know od people wish I was 'cos other people on here have made very nasty fb stauses about people, who aren't even involveved oint this.
I wish I was dead. I wish this made more sense. I'm tearing myself apart mentally and emotionally and physically I can't stop scratching my torso and my scalp and I'm so so so sorry and wish to whichever God may or may not exist that this wasnj't happening and I didn't feel like this but I can'r help it. I can't deal with this any more, I know it would hurt a lot of people but I want to end this so badly, I can't take this any mor.e
I am so sorry:crying: :crying: :crying:
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Comments
Were not sure how your feeling right now as its been a long time since you posted?
You said you were tearing yourself apart mentally, emotionally and physically, how are you now?
It sounds like your going through a tough time at the minute and its all a bit confusing.
You ve been seeing a psychologist since febuary , hows that going ? and if you feel comfortable you may like to share whats going on for you , so we may be able to sign post you in the right direction with support.
It sounded frustrating trying to get hold of your friends to speak to, you may like to try the Samaritans, there a 24 hrs service on 08457 90 90 90, some times it helps to talk to someone who is not directley involved.
You said your mums only just found out about the psychologist and she freaked. Have you mamaged to talk with her?
It can be difficult for some people to understand things straight away, try to remember you ve had since Feb to to get use to the idea, so your mum may need time.
Lets us know how you are, take care
I'm back now. I would've replied sooner but ended up kipping on the sofa in my mum and grandma's room at the Travelodge last night and have only really just got back properly.
First of all, sorry for the previous post not making a lot of sense, I wasn't in a good way when I wrote it.
I'm still not feeling so good. Still in a lot of pain, both physical and emotional. Since Thursday night I keep feeling like I'm going to projectile vomit at any given second and it hasn't subsided. I also seem to have caught a throat infection from my brother. I keep yo-yoing between piping hot and sweating and freezing cold and shivering as well which isn't helping.
I didn't get much sleep Friday night. After I posted here I did eventually call the Samaritans. It was nice to talk to someone but I didn't find it as helpful as I would've liked because I'd talk about something and then the lady at the other end wouldn't say anything, which I found really awkward. My friend who's done a counselling course assures me that this is part of the training ie it's better not to say something if you're not sure in case you say something which ends up making things worse.
I've not seen my psychologist since the beginning of April. I did have an appointment about a week ago but rang the hospital to cancel it as I had gone home to stay with my parents. I have an appointment on June 5th which I hope I will be able to keep but I am not sure if I am moving out of halls that day (it depends on whether my brother decides to visit Chester uni on the 6th or not.) I like my psychologist and I like talking to her but she likes to focus the conversation on my sex life (it was the GUM clinic who referred me to her) and I feel like my problems aren't and can't be confined to just one area of my life.
Apart from the not being able to sleep or eat very much, I have enjoyed my weekend with my family. It's nice to see some people for once as I don't get on well with my flatmates and the only person who used to really come to see me was my ex. However, whilst I have enjoyed this weekend, I can't help but keep feeling upset that he isn't here with me this weekend as we had planned this weekend for a long time, I bought tickets for us to a gig tonight. I went with my friend and something weird happened with the scheduling and we missed most of the gig.
I've not spoken to my mum, but I get the feeling she ask me about it sometime when it's just the two of us alone, She's like that, has a habit of catching me off guard.
I did start writing this post a long time ago but my ex just called me for the past hour and a half. I cried gratuitously. He failed to understand. I don't think we've gotten anywhere. I also just went to the toilet and there was pretty fresh looking blood in my poo. Lovely. Not only am I weeing blood, I also appear to be pooing it.
Anyway, back vaguely on track. I can't sleep, I can barely eat anything (not finished a meal since Thursday night) I constantly feel like I need the loo but can't go, and that I'm going to be sick. I also keep having very unnerving thoughts, and given what happened last weekend, I am quite worried for my personal safety. Over the past couple of day, I've had these recurring thoughts:
- I'd like to sterilise myself so that I can't inflict the pain of life onto anyone else.
- I wish I had thrown myself under that train.
- Why don't I hit myself over the head with the bottle of absinthe?
- Why don't I throw myself off the top of Norfolk Terrace (one of the halls of residence which is a ziggarat shape and thus there is a walkway at the top of the building by which you enter it and walk down into the different flat.)
I'm perfectly aware that these are not normal or rational thoughts but I feel powerless to stop them. People are trying to help but nothing they say or do makes any difference. A few people have said that they're glad I'm still alive, which was very kind of them. I said to my friend earlier that I'd gladly break all my limbs (and my left arm was painful enough!) if it'd mean that things would be back the way they were. My friend said he doesn't like violence but he'd gladly break those bones for me if it'd make me happy again :crying:
I know that I have posted many things on here about my ex, but they have been both good and bad. We've both done things to upset and hurt each other and that's all my friends and family seem to see. They keep telling me how glad they are that it's over because I was always so unhappy, but that simply wasn't true and they know it. Almost all of them have seen first hand how happy made one another. I wish there was something someone could say or do to change things or at least talk some sense in to him but you can't argue with illogic. He's justified it to himself and that's all that matters to him.
I wish they'd invent an emotional painkiller but I guess that'd destroy the point of being human.
This isn't a fun day. Since about 8:30-9ish this morning I've had to listen to my flatmate in the room next door shouting down Skype. Which I'm used to and I don't mind because she comes from Australia and it's obviously kind of hard to keep in touch with everybody. Unfortunately all I can hear is her shouting to her boyfriend that she loves him and she hearts him and as he can't seem to hear her well she keeps repeating herself louder and louder.
This isn't happening. This is all just a nightmare like in a bad story/film/soap opera.
I'm not living my life, I'm just existing.
I don't want to do this any more.
if you get to a bad place again where you think you might do something then you should have an emergency contact person from your psyche (or doesn't everyone do that?) which it might be helpful to ring. Or the samaritans - even though i know you said you didnt find it that helpful...a little helpful is better than not at all helpful xxx
I don't have any kind of emergency contact person. I don't actually know how to directly contact my psychologist as I always phone/get phoned by a receptionist at one of the hospitals she works at.
I may give Nightline a go as well as the Samaritans.
I haven't left my room today. I know I should but I feel rough and I don't feel like burdening anyone with my company, I'm not much fun at the moment, though I do have some things planned later on this week
I meant everything I wrote in that letter and it hasn't changed a thing. What more could I have done? Cut out my heart and gotten someone to give him the physical, tangible thing which we put so much stock and emotion in to? He probably wouldn't notice if I were dead, even though 'I mean the world to him' still. I was always second best. To his ex who I find utterly horrid and repulsive (I'm sorry but I tried to be nice but you reach a point where you can't listen to the snide comments any more or accept the fact that he does more for her and sees more of her than he does of you, the last bit was true at least in the beginning.) Second best to those horrible sisters, who preferred to bitch about me in pub toilets with his ex than get to know me.
Life isn't fair but I deserved better than his ex. She's a bitch, a liar, a drama queen and a cheat. But everyone hold her up to be some kind of a saint because she's had a hard life. Yes, it's sad but it's no excuse to act the way she does.
I can't think of a good way to end this because everything I feel like saying makes this sound like a suicide note. I guess goodbye will do.
*big hugs*
Gabbie
Take care.
Apologies for anything in this message that comes across as patronising/cliched or whatever. It's just ever since going through a horrible break-up myself and coming out of it happier with myself and stronger inside than I ever was before, I've wanted to help others going through the same shitty situation, because it was the friends of mine who'd been there before me that helped me the most. You can do it. Don't give in to it now.
Its sounds like you ve got so much on your mind its hard to focus on one thing, your ex seems to play a big role in how your feeling. StupidGirl gave some great advice about allowing your self to "cry and be sad". When your going through a tough time its hard to see you need time.
You seem very upset with your ex`s, ex girlfriend and although were glad your able to come on the site and express how your feeling you may need to think about how you speak about others on the site as not to give of the wrong vibe.
Its really positive that your using the site and getting great feedback from the other users and it sounded like it was great to spend time with your family.
Keep talking about whats going on for you and remember to allow your self time to heal, physically and mentally.
Take care
I posted a really long reply and then it said I needed to login again and when I did, it had deleted what I had written and frankly, I'm not bloody well writing it again!
How frustrating :banghead: , Although we were unable to read your post a positive is you were able to get those thoughts and feelings out.
Take care
In the past 2 days I have I have tried to hang myself twice, attacked my left arm with a breadknife and have generally felt like I was going insane. Last night a friend came over to calm me down, tonight I went to a different friend's flat because I knew I was going to do something stupid. I possibly still will. Having said this looking at my previous attempts, I suck that much at life that I can't even kill myself properly :rolleyes:
I'm not sleeping, not eating and my digestive system seems to have died for the past 2 weeks.
I'm not really sure why I;m posting all this because you've given me advice and sympathy and as much I really do appreciate it, it doesn't help. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship and I'm screaming 'Mayday!' over the radio and firing flares and people are hearing the message loud and clear but there's no rescue on the way. Not that I'm suggesting that you can rescue me because you are trying to help but it's not making the blindest bit of difference.
The funny thing is, if I were an animal, you would've put me down to be humane, but because I'm human and can tell you what the problem is instead of howling and yelping, that seems to make all the difference. I don't know. Maybe that's a bit harsh.
The irony of all this is that earlier I actually felt happy and felt like I could move on, at least a little. And then he text me saying he was out clubbing - again, even though he is apparently trying to adjust to being alone (I'm sorry but going out every night with your mates is not being alone, being alone is spending 3 days locked in your room because you don't feel able to face the world anymore) - and I don't know the exact who's who of who he's out with but he's out with one of my friends, yes he's a mutual friend, but he was my friend before I ever met my ex.
I really am tempted to go to the hospital and tell them I'm a danger to myself but then they'd have to tell my parents and they won't understand. I've tried to explain to them how I am feeling and they just tell me to calm down, say it's for the best and slag off my ex without actually listening to how I feel. I'm not good at talking to my family about how I feel or showing my emotions and I can exactly where that came from: when I was 4 my Grandad died, mum went back to her family in Guildford, dad looked after me and my brother for about a week. I was crying my eyes out, understandably. I didn't quite kept the concept of death at the time, but I knew it meant I wouldn't see him again. You know what my dad turned round and said to me one dinnertime when I was crying? 'You may as well stop bloody crying because it's not going to bring him back.' And they wonder why I can't talk to them about things....
I know that this is probably the wrong place to be getting this all out, this being a public forum frequented by certain people involved in the horrible mess but frankly I'm getting sick of existing like this and waking my friends up every night because I feel like I'm going to do something dangerous.
He says he wants to be my friend then carries on as if I never happened. As if the past 2 years never happened. As if I never existed and I was just some imaginary friend of his.
I don't know what more I could have done, maybe I should've got someone to cut my heart and give it to him so that he could literally have the physical, tangible, solid form that we put so much stock and emotion into.
I'm so sorry, please forgive me.
Hospital cancelled appointment for urologist as consultant rejected the referral. Train tickets already booked. Trying to get me to go to hospital in Great Yarmouth or wait until July.
Ex thinks I should voluntarily section myself.
Got GP appointment tomorrow, hopefully she can give me something to calm me the frak down. Got exam on Monday. It's going to be the most epic fail in history. I remember nothing. The texts are full of suicides. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I still want him back. He can't see that. I want to cease to exist.
That is all for now.
Most nights since it happened I have been around people. Today, apart from trying to find out what was up with the hospital, I spent most of the day at a friend's flat. Hung out with the 2 flatmates I do talk to for a bit, one of them gave me some caramels and Turkish Delight
I'm not 100% sure if i've missed something or if there is some reason for this not being possible, but I just wanted to suggest that you cut contact with your ex for a while. IF he is a nice person who does actually care about you, he should be able to do this, to let you have some proper time without him constantly reminding you of everything and then still be able to be your friend at the end.
It is incredibly difficult to move on and come to terms with a break-up when everyday you are talking to him and reminded of stuff that keeps the two of you linked. It isn't very healthy for you. You may feel like you'd rather have him in your life just as a friend, holding on to the hope that you can reconcile...but currently the likelihood of that happening isn't very high. You need to look after yourself for a while, and not bother with him.
I am sorry if that sounds harsh. It sounds like your flatmates and friends are helping you out a bit, i hope that continues. I used to have huge problems getting to sleep at night (not due to a break-up like yours, but bereavement) and the doctor I went to see gave me various relaxation exercises which sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. You could give them a go anyway, and see
Hope things continue getting better
Said mutual friend called my parents this morning to tell them how concerned he is for me. They then called me and generally asked what the hell and they said we need to talk when I get back...which now means Monday after my exam. They want me to spend this weekend packing up my stuff, get the train home Monday afternoon then drive back next weekend to pick up my stuff. They are talking about the possibility of me dropping out. I know that my friend did the right thing in telling my parents, it just makes things more awkward as I had planned to see what the doctor said today before I told them.
Last night was not so good. More stuff out the window then at 5am electric sawing outside my window. Was a local 24 hour double-glazing company who also do boarding. My guess is next door broke something, either a window or a wall or a door or something. I don't know if they called them or the uni did, I assume they did as security weren't there.
Currently talking to one of my housemates for next year just to forewarn her that things may not go as planned. She says she'll be upset if I drop out, which was kind of her to say so.
I'll let you know what the doctor says.
Hope things are going OK for you tonight. Please do not feel that this is the 'wrong place' to be writing down how you feel - if anything, this is the perfect place for writing it down. You have been given some great support and advice. That's what The Site is here for. We would all like to try and help you not harm yourself - so please keep posting.
Breaking up with someone when you all have mutual friends and you want to remain friends can get quite tricky. As people have suggested sometimes the best way is to make a complete break and not have any contact. that's not to say you won't be able to be friends in the future. It just gives you the chance to clear your head a little of him - which is hard to do if you are still texting and talking. It's a cliché - but time is the best healer. Time and space.
Take care -
Firstly, I slept the whole night through last night
Saw the Dr, she has prescribed me Prozac. Told the parents. They seem to be calm over the phone but I know what they're like, I know when I get back they'll be absolutely spitting blood. Fun times. I am still being forced home on Monday. I say forced, obviously I could not get on the train, but the fact that my dad is talking about cancelling a trip to Dublin to come and pick me up on Monday, does kind of suggest that they want me home that day whether I like it or not. Which is annoying as I had things I'd planned to do which I won't be able to and I'm supposed to be packing, revising, getting my Prozac and being dragged to a BBQ all at the same time.
I don't really want to go home, but I don't think I have much choice.
EDIT: Just found out the uni chemist is closed on a Saturday. Not really got time to go into the city with revising/packing/being dragged to a BBQ (I'd drop out but my friend got veggie food for me and has already complained at how expensive it was
This is all wrong.
Why drag me to a barbecue and not talk to me? And then start shouting at me when I say I think I'm going to drop out? And give me the cold shoulder when I try to say goodbye?
Sod this.
Have found out he kissed someone else recently. Don't know who. Says he was drunk and horny.
I've got a couple of good guesses who it might've been.
It wasn't my fault we couldn't have sex, I did everything I could!
:crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:
Fuck all of this. I don't care if he was single or not when it happened, it just makes me feel like a pile of shit that never meant anything! And today he sent me a message saying that he thinks in a few years time there might be a future for us together.
Everytime I feel a little bit better about things, he knocks me right back done again. I can't stand this any more, somebody please kill me.
Just keep trying to move on and block him out of your life if you can, I know its hard
If he truly cared for you, he would leave you be and not say these things. He'd let you heal and get into a better place. He broke up with you, FFS, he can't see a future if he's not willing to work on the present. He basically means he wants to just whore around, and have a safety-guarantee of not being alone.
As stands, he's just an attention whore who wants everything. Don't let him have it. Take time for you. Block him out!
All of this about him wanting everything and being an attention whore and blah de blah is exactly what I've been saying to him, even when we were together!
Ah, the amount of people who've offered to whack him one for me, whilst I don't generally agree with violence, it does make me feel a bit better that even complete strangers who I've just been introduced to by a friend have offered to whack him one.
Apparently he is realising what's important to him and it's family and friends not a relationship. I was none too impressed with that one, seeing as he was the one who made contact with me after our initial meeting, asked me to the cinema, kissed me etc and basically made all the moves. He could've told me a bit sooner, seeing as I've just wasted what should've been 2 of the best years of my life. He says he wants me to be happy. I was perfectly happy before I met him, thank you. I wasn't fussed with a relationship and if he had never made contact with me I would never have thought twice about what might have been. If he wants to go play the field, let him. He'll most likely fail, none of my friends would've noticed him a first time let alone looked twice. If he wants to live in his fantasy world about Ancilla Tilia, Bianca Beauchamp and Kitty Lea etc then that's up to him, but you'd think at his age he'd have worked out it's not going to happen. Better to focus your energy on the real woman you're with than the fake one you'll never get. I'm 5 years younger than him but you don't see me mooning around in my own little fantasy world, waiting for Johnny Depp to suddenly want a relationship with me.
Pretty much decided friendship is a stupid idea, he can have his stuff back but then should he or any of his little whores cross my path EVER again there will be a shitstorm of Biblical proportions.
On a better note, went to see a friend last night after all this kicked off. She introduced me to Desperate Housewives and decided that we should try to find me a hairy man who works with ducks who happens to be nice and fancy me. Doubt we'll have much luck but meh.