First time + more

Former Member

Hi,

Kind of posted bits and bobs already in the relationships section and here.

Basically am 24 and have become more confident in the last few years, but it's taken a while due to bullying as a teenager.

In terms of my experience Ive just kissed a handful of girls and not had a girlfriend or sex yet.

I think I'm more ready for it now, but I really wasn't a few years ago as I believed what I got told all the time as a teenager eg you are ugly/you'll never have sex/crap personality etc

Anyway at uni some quite attractive girls did want to kiss me, but really didn't have the confidence with quite a few girls who did like me when I was out.

I just found it really surprising when they did like me and I remember some quite good compliments which I didn't expect eg the complete opposite of being told I was ugly.

Anyway I'm wondering about a few things :

How can I become more sexually confident ?
Is the first time best in relationship ? (This is what I think)

I don't really go up to many girls when im out and haven't kissed anyone for ages. I guess when I did kiss people I just felt it was a bit weird as I didnt know them. Saying that I enjoyed it.

Do girls think it's sleazy if a guy approaches them in a club ?

I was thinking I could start to try and approach more girls when I'm out to chat and become more used to it, but not really sure what I'm doing, but then I suppose I could get their phone number for a date - I'd prefer to have a girlfriend than pull lots of random girls (not sure if that makes sense)

Any thoughts please on what I have said ?

Former Member

mark1984 wrote: »

How can I become more sexually confident ?
Is the first time best in relationship ? (This is what I think)

It's great that you are growing in confidence, I can relate to the low confidence/self-esteem thing, and when someone attractive shows an interest in you, it does wonders

I don't know exactly what you mean about being sexually confident as such ... how unconfident are you? There's plenty of literature to read on the net, so you know what to expect, pick up a few tricks, etc.
The only way to really get more confident is to do it, because you'll learn and get better, and receiving positivity from giving a girl pleasure just boosts you more

My first time was in a relationship, and personally I think it was better that way. The sex was good for a first time, but on top of that we knew, understood and trusted each other, which made it that much more special (on an emotional level) and comfortable (on a physical level)

Personally I'd recommend against a one-night-stand as your first time, though different people would say different things.

Do girls think it's sleazy if a guy approaches them in a club ?

I think it's kind of the expected thing to happen, though saying that I've never done it but it's more down to my mental state than thinking it's sleazy.

Former Member

Thanks for the reply. Well, I don't think i'm completely unconfident - I've asked a few people out and plucked up the courage to approach girls in clubs.

I guess I still don't have massively high expectations as I've kissed 8 girls which isn't loads, but then some quite attractive girls have liked me, but at the time when I was 20/21 I didn't have the confidence - I couldn't believe they liked me as I thought what people said was true ie was ugly.

Since uni I swapped e mail addresses with someone, but she didnt reply and went for a drink with a girl I met in France last year, but she was taken.

There's a girl in work now I like the look of and some female friends said last night to just go for it as the worst she can say is no.

I think with my first time I wouldn't really know what I was doing, but maybe if I was with a girlfriend and explained my situation ie the bullying/low confidence etc she'd understand and break me in gently to the ways of love

Former Member

Hey Mark, first of all, I just wanna say that I think it's really refreshing to see a male's perspective on this issue. I, myself am not confident in the slightest and I've only had one relationship which only lasted 2 months. Like you, I was kinda shocked when it did happen because I thought he was really good looking and I was wondering "why me?"

I really think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I know your self-esteem takes a big knock when someone calls you "ugly" but to someone else, e.g. these girls that you met at Uni. They may see you as quite the opposite. I think obviously being bullied makes you think differently, as people constantly drill the idea that you're less than them. But I really think that you should go for it with this girl from work, like your friends said, the worst she can say is no. I wish I had the guts in approaching people, not just in terms of relationships but in general and I really admire you for being able to do that in the situations which you have found yourself doing so.

Oh and if the girl is really special then I'm sure she'd understand about it being your first time, whenever that may be and if she's not then is she really the girl for you? I know that I never want to feel any added pressure when it comes to sex and I hope you never feel that either.

Ooopsy, sorry for the rambling. I hope all goes well for you and that you find the right girl out there.

Former Member

Thanks for the reply. I think beauty probably is in the eye of the beholder.

The bullying really didn't do me any good, I guess this ties in with health, but I had psychotic episodes at university because of it. Someone recently told me of course you can have psychosis because of bullying and said this happened to her son.

I don't fully understand, but I mentioned that the GP said I was repressed and this contributed.

In first year of university I met a girl on a trip to Paris and got some good attention off her and it wasn't just me that thought she liked me. But at the time I found it really shocking due to the conditioning i had received as a teenager. I got quite attached and I guess strong emotions were involved, but then I also had the stuff in my head from what people said.

I kind of felt bad and guilty for liking her and thinking about things a lot and then gradually the thoughts became deeper and deeper and then I became psychotic.

I think the GP may be right as when I looked up sexually repressed it mentioned feelings of guilt (not sure if this makes sense.) I mentioned this in another post.

I think most of what I was thinking and have been thinking was normal like desire to have a girlfriend and the desire to have sex. Primarily it was the desire to have a girlfriend, but then I was extremely sexually attracted to the girl I met in Paris as well as finding her fascinating. I think things just got out of control because of what I believed in my head from the bullying, but then also because I had this fantasy about her being my first girlfriend.

I think maybe I've just thought about the issue of sex and getting a girlfriend incorrectly as I was embarrassed about my body, shy, low self esteem and didn't see myself as a sexual person and I don't think I wanted to admit my desires and wish to have a girlfriend.

The psychiatrist always asks me if I have a girlfriend when I see him - he must look at it as a positive.

But surely my sexual desires and wish to have a special girl in my life are two of the most natural feelings in the world ?

I remember with the girl in Paris thinking this could be the first time I kiss someone I really like and who likes me back - unfortunately it didn't quite happen in the end.

I think I've also wondered about the issue of sex and losing my virginity in terms of my own personality and how i'd like to do it. I think quite a lot of people have one night stands, but for me I've always thought that I'd rather have sex with someone I care about and I also think a level of trust is involved which is why I don't think it would be a good idea for me to have a one night stand. I think I kind of look at sex as being a way I show I love her as hopefully I could give her a lot of pleasure (although she may have to teach me how)

Saying what I've said though, it must be pretty normal for me to just see an attractive girl in the street and wonder about having sex with her.

I think I have a high sex drive, but I think it's best that i'm in a loving relationship.

EEk. Most of what I've written I'd never say to anyone male or female in the flesh and I haven't really said to anyone about the events that led to me being ill - I think it was all a bit much as I met a girl on my course who I became besotted with who rejected me when I asked her out, but then shortly after met the girl in Paris and walking down past the Eiffel Tower arm in arm made me fall a bit too quickly for her.

I think because i'd never experienced anything like that before and because I had the belief that no girl would ever like me or have sex with me I found it overwhelming that an attractive girl spent so much time arm in arm with me talking as we strolled through Paris at night.

Anyway....I think my desire for romance and companionship must be really normal - I quite often daydream about being able to go to Paris with a special girl and walk hand in hand and kiss on a bateau mouche, someone who I can talk to lots, but then someone I can kiss and cuddle up to.

Former Member

You're right, the bullying is a real blow to the self-esteem and it's no wonder that it led you to think that you were any less deserving of people's attentions and feelings. Again, like you said, it is natural to want a relationship and sex. I, myself would like that to with the right person, hopefully one day so there's nothing wrong with admitting these feelings.

I'm really sorry to hear that nothing really became of your experience in Paris. But I really do believe that there is someone out there for everyone and whether you find that person sooner or later, I really think it'll happen for you. But it is a blow when you meet someone who you think really likes you and it isn't what you expected. I was in Australia a couple of years ago and had my first and only relationship with this guy there, it ended after a couple of months due to the fact that I wasn't ready for sex. At first I was really upset because I felt like no guy would wait for me, but then when I thought about it, I said to myself, "if a guy is really special, he'll wait for me to be ready" and I guess what i'm trying to say is I think it works both ways. Once you meet the right girl for you, she will understand about needs and you will have that level of trust to build something on.

Anyways, from one daydreamer to another. Goodnight and I hope all goes well for you.

Former Member

Thanks for the reply. I think I should talk to my GP about my experiences as she can maybe help me understand them.

I'm in the position where I'd really like to meet someone and be romantic, so all that kind of stuff...maybe it's just around the corner ?

I'm glad that you have said you feel the same ie wanting to meet a special someone and to have sex.

Is there any way I can know for sure that I am ready for a girlfriend/sex ?

I think my overall confidence and esteem is much higher now and I have made plenty of friends both male and female.

I think hopefully if I keep on progressing as I have been maybe I'll meet someone and hit it off with her.