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Bad week. Need to vent.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Firstly ... wow, using the Fonts and Sizes dropdowns reveals a whole mess of crap at the bottom of each one when using Firefox. Lots of Javascript by the look of things.
Secondly ... this is just a rant and a vent and a 'I need to get this off my chest' thing. Nothing in here is particularly serious, especially lined up to other people on here who have real, genuine health concerns.
But what the hell. I'm a soft bastard, stuff affects me easily and I get depressed, so I'm going to have a rant.
TL; DR
Don't like my job; paid through the nose for car to be fixed; got a speeding fine; broke my front door; reversed into a truck; loss of sex and unrequited love. (OK, love is too strong a term, but it'll do for this little summary)
For those with time on their hands
So most of this is either my fault or as a result of having piss-poor mind management skills
I guess it all kicked off the week before last. Work has been going pretty badly lately. Despite a new 6 month contract in the offing, and the fact that it's a job in a world where a lot of people are losing theirs, I'm massively losing drive.
The work is stale and uninteresting, the pace of assignments is patchy and sporadic (nothing for ages, then suddenly lots of jobs requiring heavy investigation all at once), and despite being a contractor (and thus not having to care about internal politics) I find myself being dragged into the whole 'why doesn't the system work properly?' discussion more and more. I've been feeling this way for a while now, but with the loss of a colleague (who left, is on this board, will feature heavily in this post, and who I hope doesn't read this) who pretty much made it bearable ... it's not a happy place to work anymore.
That Tuesday I also got a whacking servicing bill (over £600) for my car.
So, I was having a less-than-happy time. I'd arranged to spend Friday night with the aforementioned friend, which I was hugely looking forward to. I can be quite shut off at times, but when I'm feeling low, I need someone to connect with to make me feel better.
Anyway, that fell apart. The two of us were sex buddies, sort of, and she was lead to believe that I might be getting too attached and understandably freaked out a bit. We had a chat, sorted everything out - I told her I wasn't, etc., and everything was good. But the Friday night plan was ruined, and so we both spent the weekend alone in seperate places.
Monday roles around and work is still a misery. I'm commuting 95 miles each way each day and by the time I get there I'm already pissed off. There's work, but it's either too challenging for somebody of my technical level, or incredibly boring. This week I've spent most of my time not working along with some colleagues who hate it as much as I do.
Rumours are that management are unhappy about it. Whoops.
I'm still getting the feeling that the situation with my "FB" isn't right. We were going out Thursday with work people, so I pointed out that I've got a hotel room which she's of course invited to. Response is less than the 'Sure thing' I'd been hoping for. :chin:
Tuesday I manage to somehow break our front door, so that it won't lock. It's going to be about a hundred quid to put a new lock in, or six hundred for a new front door. It locks now, but we had to pin it shut using wood for the first night. Dammit.
Wednesday, after a nice lunch outside in the fresh and sunny air, I reverse my car into the back of a pickup truck.
Truck -1, My car -0
Scuff marks on the paint, and now I find that it's popped out of its mounting clips too. Swear words abound. How much is this gonna cost now?!
I can't sleep that night. I'm pissed off, because I shouldn't care so much about why FB is being so odd. Yet I do. We're friends, but we're having sex. That's all it is, right?
I chat to her, make light about Thursday night after the party. She says she might have other, better plans. Ouch
Thursday rolls around, and surprisingly I'm fairly calm. I go into town with a couple of guys from work before the party, have a beer and a laugh. All is good, despite me knowing something is definitely off with my friend.
We go into the meal, and she arrives a bit later. Looks just ... stunning. Wearing her hair in what's probably my favourite style (for women to have their hair ... not for me) and looking amazing. Feels like she's avoiding me. Suddenly I'm feeling not so good about the night, whilst my mind tries to figure out why I care so much, and we all keep drinking.
Later on I take her outside and ask what's going on. She tells me she just wants to be friends, but didn't know how to tell me for fear of hurting me.
I knew it was coming deep down, and I'm also pissed as a fart. We hug each other, clinging onto one another like drunken muppets whilst eulogizing what great friends we are to one another and how we don't want to lose that.
I may be drunk, but everything that I say is true. For once.
When I get back to the hotel (alone, of course. And I'm still not sure how.) I start to realise why I was so bothered about the weird behaviour. I fall asleep.
When I wake up the next morning, my head picks up the train of thought from the previous night, and I realise I've been lying to myself and to her about how I felt. I did like her, a lot. I think about how it's been five years since I last had a relationship, how I've locked myself off from those feelings and experiences for so long that they've suddenly jumped out on me and I don't know what to do with them.
There's still a lot of alcohol in my system at this point, so I have what could best be described as a mild emotional breakdown. I fall asleep, wake up, and do it all over again. This happened maybe seven or eight times until I left, wondering what the hell my brain was doing to me. Went into Basingstoke for some food, sat outside staring at nothing trying to get my head together before facing the drive home.
So I'm sitting here wondering ... how the hell did it happen? How did I let myself fall for someone who I knew catagorically didn't want a relationship with me??
The more base elements of my mind are saying if I'd just played it cool and not 'crowded' her everything would be fine, we'd still be sleeping together. But that's not why I fell for her, she just attracted me ... physically of course, but mentally was the key.
Now I'm worried ... worried that after staying away from women for so bloody long I go and do this to the first "new one" that I'm attracted to, and what that means for the future. Worried that I could lie to myself so easily whilst not seeing the very obvious signs, and marginalising those around me that tried to point it out simply because I didn't want to hear it.
I need to get over it fast, because we both want to keep the friendship we had underlying everything else intact, and by dwelling on it I'm putting that at risk, but most of my life I've demonstrated an inability to move on quickly from things and dwell on the past.
Maybe this is the catalyst I need to change my behaviour. The last time I didn't have anything worth moving on for so I didn't. Now I've got a friendship I don't want to lose, so it's time to step up and fix my head.
It's been quite cathartic writing this. It probably reads like a load of self-indulgent bollocks
but what the heck, that's me.
Secondly ... this is just a rant and a vent and a 'I need to get this off my chest' thing. Nothing in here is particularly serious, especially lined up to other people on here who have real, genuine health concerns.
But what the hell. I'm a soft bastard, stuff affects me easily and I get depressed, so I'm going to have a rant.
TL; DR
Don't like my job; paid through the nose for car to be fixed; got a speeding fine; broke my front door; reversed into a truck; loss of sex and unrequited love. (OK, love is too strong a term, but it'll do for this little summary)
For those with time on their hands
So most of this is either my fault or as a result of having piss-poor mind management skills
I guess it all kicked off the week before last. Work has been going pretty badly lately. Despite a new 6 month contract in the offing, and the fact that it's a job in a world where a lot of people are losing theirs, I'm massively losing drive.
The work is stale and uninteresting, the pace of assignments is patchy and sporadic (nothing for ages, then suddenly lots of jobs requiring heavy investigation all at once), and despite being a contractor (and thus not having to care about internal politics) I find myself being dragged into the whole 'why doesn't the system work properly?' discussion more and more. I've been feeling this way for a while now, but with the loss of a colleague (who left, is on this board, will feature heavily in this post, and who I hope doesn't read this
) who pretty much made it bearable ... it's not a happy place to work anymore.That Tuesday I also got a whacking servicing bill (over £600) for my car.
So, I was having a less-than-happy time. I'd arranged to spend Friday night with the aforementioned friend, which I was hugely looking forward to. I can be quite shut off at times, but when I'm feeling low, I need someone to connect with to make me feel better.
Anyway, that fell apart. The two of us were sex buddies, sort of, and she was lead to believe that I might be getting too attached and understandably freaked out a bit. We had a chat, sorted everything out - I told her I wasn't, etc., and everything was good. But the Friday night plan was ruined, and so we both spent the weekend alone in seperate places.
Monday roles around and work is still a misery. I'm commuting 95 miles each way each day and by the time I get there I'm already pissed off. There's work, but it's either too challenging for somebody of my technical level, or incredibly boring. This week I've spent most of my time not working along with some colleagues who hate it as much as I do.
Rumours are that management are unhappy about it. Whoops.
I'm still getting the feeling that the situation with my "FB" isn't right. We were going out Thursday with work people, so I pointed out that I've got a hotel room which she's of course invited to. Response is less than the 'Sure thing' I'd been hoping for. :chin:
Tuesday I manage to somehow break our front door, so that it won't lock. It's going to be about a hundred quid to put a new lock in, or six hundred for a new front door. It locks now, but we had to pin it shut using wood for the first night. Dammit.
Wednesday, after a nice lunch outside in the fresh and sunny air, I reverse my car into the back of a pickup truck.
Truck -1, My car -0
Scuff marks on the paint, and now I find that it's popped out of its mounting clips too. Swear words abound. How much is this gonna cost now?!
I can't sleep that night. I'm pissed off, because I shouldn't care so much about why FB is being so odd. Yet I do. We're friends, but we're having sex. That's all it is, right?
I chat to her, make light about Thursday night after the party. She says she might have other, better plans. Ouch
Thursday rolls around, and surprisingly I'm fairly calm. I go into town with a couple of guys from work before the party, have a beer and a laugh. All is good, despite me knowing something is definitely off with my friend.
We go into the meal, and she arrives a bit later. Looks just ... stunning. Wearing her hair in what's probably my favourite style (for women to have their hair ... not for me
) and looking amazing. Feels like she's avoiding me. Suddenly I'm feeling not so good about the night, whilst my mind tries to figure out why I care so much, and we all keep drinking.Later on I take her outside and ask what's going on. She tells me she just wants to be friends, but didn't know how to tell me for fear of hurting me.
I knew it was coming deep down, and I'm also pissed as a fart. We hug each other, clinging onto one another like drunken muppets whilst eulogizing what great friends we are to one another and how we don't want to lose that.
I may be drunk, but everything that I say is true. For once.
When I get back to the hotel (alone, of course. And I'm still not sure how.) I start to realise why I was so bothered about the weird behaviour. I fall asleep.
When I wake up the next morning, my head picks up the train of thought from the previous night, and I realise I've been lying to myself and to her about how I felt. I did like her, a lot. I think about how it's been five years since I last had a relationship, how I've locked myself off from those feelings and experiences for so long that they've suddenly jumped out on me and I don't know what to do with them.
There's still a lot of alcohol in my system at this point, so I have what could best be described as a mild emotional breakdown. I fall asleep, wake up, and do it all over again. This happened maybe seven or eight times until I left, wondering what the hell my brain was doing to me. Went into Basingstoke for some food, sat outside staring at nothing trying to get my head together before facing the drive home.
So I'm sitting here wondering ... how the hell did it happen? How did I let myself fall for someone who I knew catagorically didn't want a relationship with me??
The more base elements of my mind are saying if I'd just played it cool and not 'crowded' her everything would be fine, we'd still be sleeping together. But that's not why I fell for her, she just attracted me ... physically of course, but mentally was the key.
Now I'm worried ... worried that after staying away from women for so bloody long I go and do this to the first "new one" that I'm attracted to, and what that means for the future. Worried that I could lie to myself so easily whilst not seeing the very obvious signs, and marginalising those around me that tried to point it out simply because I didn't want to hear it.
I need to get over it fast, because we both want to keep the friendship we had underlying everything else intact, and by dwelling on it I'm putting that at risk, but most of my life I've demonstrated an inability to move on quickly from things and dwell on the past.
Maybe this is the catalyst I need to change my behaviour. The last time I didn't have anything worth moving on for so I didn't. Now I've got a friendship I don't want to lose, so it's time to step up and fix my head.
It's been quite cathartic writing this. It probably reads like a load of self-indulgent bollocks
but what the heck, that's me. 0
Comments
You are a great guy Ed- just sorry about what happened, but we're still mates.
It's great that you can vent and use The Site in such a cathartic way.
The issues that you are having with the 'friend' from work, may be better placed on the relationships boards? That is if you are wanting any advice or support about this? Same again with the work issues that you have?
Thanks for sharing your experiences and we hope that things start to look up for you. Keep posting - :thumb:
True ... shouldn't have told me about this place.
Thanks
@ Harry23 - cheers, it's a good site! There's no issues as such, I just need to figure out how to let these feelings burn themselves out. I felt pretty good for a few hours today after posting this, watched some stuff (Dollhouse is awesome) and posted some more around here, but the later it's gotten the worse I've begun to feel again. Kinda like being ill, you always go downhill towards the evening!
Work is something I might come back here about, but a combination of not being motivated and having my head elsewhere has possibly made it seem worse than it is. Other stuff has just amplified it.