If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
Can't get over ex who i broke up with due to religion
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey,
How do you get over leaving someone you cared deeply for. I only dated her a few months, but during that time it was obvious that she was the most honest, caring, loving person I’m ever likely to meet. She would have made an ideal long term partner.
Well, or at least the above would be true if it hadn’t been for her religion. She was a practicing Catholic. Myself on the other hand has never had much religious affiliation. I just don’t understand how people can believe in god. To me god is on a par with the tooth fairy / santa claus. I knew had I stayed with her that god would always be number one in her life and me number two. Know body wants to be number two in their partners eyes do they?
As time passed I also started to re-sent her religion. I mean, I became more and more aware how important it was to her and I began thinking ……. Its clear she was going to stick to the rules of her religion, the only way we can be together is if I accept that. But wait what If I were also religious, would she change for me? No, was the answer. ……… All relationships require compromise right? ……. But when it came to her religious rules there was no compromise. I resented this.
The rules also concerned me. If their had been some guarantee that we would have stayed together then fine. But what was stopping her breaking up with me later down the line. I would have gone along with her rules for nothing? And could I truly accept her rules or would I end up pulling more in my original (the opposite) direction. How did I know how I’d feel later on. I didn’t want this to tear us apart and end up hurting her more than I did later down the line.
I don’t understand the hold religion has over some people. She admits shes unhappy, she wants nothing more than to get married and have a family, yet she knows that with her Catholic rules her chances are slim to none.
Its now 18 months since we broke up and over 6 since we last spoke. I still think about her everyday. I constantly think of ways that would be acceptable for us to be together. I daren’t ask anyone else out incase I ever figure out a way for us to be back together as this would obviously cause further problems.
I want to be back with her so much. What the hell do i do ????
Thanks for reading
Andy
How do you get over leaving someone you cared deeply for. I only dated her a few months, but during that time it was obvious that she was the most honest, caring, loving person I’m ever likely to meet. She would have made an ideal long term partner.
Well, or at least the above would be true if it hadn’t been for her religion. She was a practicing Catholic. Myself on the other hand has never had much religious affiliation. I just don’t understand how people can believe in god. To me god is on a par with the tooth fairy / santa claus. I knew had I stayed with her that god would always be number one in her life and me number two. Know body wants to be number two in their partners eyes do they?
As time passed I also started to re-sent her religion. I mean, I became more and more aware how important it was to her and I began thinking ……. Its clear she was going to stick to the rules of her religion, the only way we can be together is if I accept that. But wait what If I were also religious, would she change for me? No, was the answer. ……… All relationships require compromise right? ……. But when it came to her religious rules there was no compromise. I resented this.
The rules also concerned me. If their had been some guarantee that we would have stayed together then fine. But what was stopping her breaking up with me later down the line. I would have gone along with her rules for nothing? And could I truly accept her rules or would I end up pulling more in my original (the opposite) direction. How did I know how I’d feel later on. I didn’t want this to tear us apart and end up hurting her more than I did later down the line.
I don’t understand the hold religion has over some people. She admits shes unhappy, she wants nothing more than to get married and have a family, yet she knows that with her Catholic rules her chances are slim to none.
Its now 18 months since we broke up and over 6 since we last spoke. I still think about her everyday. I constantly think of ways that would be acceptable for us to be together. I daren’t ask anyone else out incase I ever figure out a way for us to be back together as this would obviously cause further problems.
I want to be back with her so much. What the hell do i do ????
Thanks for reading
Andy
0
Comments
Thanks for your reponse. She's unhappy because she knows very few people want to be with someone who follows strict religious rules. This is by no means the only one but the one which has guys breaking up with her first and foremost is the no sex until marriage rule.
I also don't know how you think we can compromise?. No sex before marriage, no living together before marriage, having to get married in a catholic church, anti-abortion, kids having to go to a catholic school. She basically feel she has to follow these rules. If i want the opposite, how can we negotiate? Fine if we could draw up a list and have half each no problem, however if she does that then she may as well turn her back on her religion as she's basically breaking all the rules and is going to hell anyway !!
Andy
She will not budge, and you will never find the happy medium as she will not compromise.
Hi,
Thanks, I wouldn't say i'm unwilling to compromise though. However i will only go half way but am 99% certain she won't cover the other half leaving a big gap between us.
Andy
No, religious people oft end up with people with similar beliefs.
Religious loons are all over the place, be it Muslim, Catholic or whatever! Have you read the Pope's latest pearls of wisdom on condoms and AIDS?
I think with many people there are different degrees of how religous you are, i know lots of people who have been christened catholic and go to mass occasionally but who still have sex before marriage etc et - and i know lots of Cof E people who wouldnt' even dream of staying in the same house over night with their boyfriend let alone anythign else
Don't forget they are mass religions, there are thousands of religions in this world.
Hi
This is something i don't get with 99% of people claiming to be catholics. You basically break all the rules !! The rules i've mentioned are what catholics are supposed to follow strictly speaking but most of you don't even seem to be aware of them ..... doesn't that just make you pretty much none believers ??. Not meaning to sound patronising or anything btw but i just don't get how people like yourself call yourself catholic. Its like me saying i'm scottish cos i've been there a couple of times, even though i was born and have lived in england most of my life !!
To be honest i've no idea of the influence her parents have over her, i've met them and they seem perfectly normal. Yes she's following these rules herself and so far as she knows her parents did too. Problem is although i can't be with her without compromise, i also understand that she can't as if she comprosmises on one rule, then it basically has a domino effect and she'll be breaking various other rules as well.
Oh and fair enough, some people may be thinking shes a little odd. But honestly, on a day to day basis, she was one of the nicest people i've ever met, which is why this is messing with my head so much
Thanks
Andy
Hi
Eh? ......... so by your logic you would also say good on me for being staunch with my principles?. Don't really agree with you i'm afraid, relationships take compromise and having your attitude wouldn't help.
Andy
You make it sound like it was her at fault - she shouldn't have to change any of her principles just to suit you and to expect her to is more than a little arrogant. She has certain views of the world that she wants to stick to (about her 'breaking the rules'? If you read the Bible - hahahaha, only joking - you'd know that no-one is perfect enough to be totally sinless all fall short of God's standards, that's where foregiveness comes in to it, but this isn't the subject ATM) just as you do.
I disagree that all relationships require compromise. If 2 incompatible people want to be together then yes I agree but not everyone is that different.
btw I'm not a Catholic but I did 3 years of biblical study in college so I have modicum of understanding.
It's more long-term things than that that create the real issues, where you do have to find middle ground. Marriage, christenings and the like are just ceremonies. The advantage of being non-religious is that you can just see them for what they are, and go along with it. As long as you're not pretending you believe anything, and you're just doing it for her, then there's no issue. But kids are another issue.
And the issue here isn't as clear cut as whether they go to Catholic school or not. Frankly, it doesn't make much difference provided you're willing to fill in the gaps. The question is more, if you try to talk to your kids about contraception and sex, is she going to kick off? If she brings them to church every week, is she going to object if you explain why you don't believe? It's not the list of things people want to teach their children that's the issue, it's the list of things they don't want taught to their children. That's what breeds ignorance and damages children.
And don't underestimate her parents. In most cases of relationships between religious people and non-religious people, the conflict doesn't come with the person themselves, but their family. If she was that arsed, she wouldn't be going out with someone who doesn't share her beliefs. But grandparents have a habit of wanting a say about how their grandchildren are raised, particularly when it comes to religion. I know I was only brought to church to please my grandma. But I can also confidently say that of all of my cousins who were raised Catholic, not one of them still goes to church. Incidentally, every one of them is a product of a Catholic and an atheist, and when given the full set of ideas, they usually don't carry on going to church for long after they're forced to.
I don't know if you've talked about any of this sort of stuff in the past. I'm guessing it was a bit early to be talking about marriage and kids and stuff. But like you say, you don't want to waste a few years only to find out that you would never be able to compromise on those things.
Hi
This is what worries me the most. I have no idea why she wants to stick so strictly to the rules. I just can't comprehend why anyone would stick to a set of rules which made them unhappy? All i can think is its her parents who have instilled these rules on her and she is scared to go against them, however i've met her parents and they seemed pretty normal to me.
My biggest source of guilt is agreeing with you, that yes, she will most likely end up alone. Shes 27 now, lets face it, the majority of people willing to wait until marriage will be virgins, i very much doubt at her age she'll find anyone willing to adhere to this rule, let alone any others. Her sisters 29 and also in the same position.
Andy
Hi
Really? but where are these people?. She admits that in her church group there are ZERO guys of a similar age, and most people are generally pensioners. If there are others like her, she has no idea where to find them.
Andy
Hi
No, i didn't say it was her fault, but again, by your logic your saying i shouldn't have to change any of my principles just to suit her and shes arrogant? ........... pah, maybe your right.
Andy
I think this is a no win situation, if she feels that strongly about her religion she can't compromise.Unless you are prepared to live like a Catholic and adopt her life style it won't work. You just have to hang in and have faith you will meet someone who thinks like you in that way.