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Don't know where my marriage goes from here
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone. Apologies that my first post is asking for advice but I didn't want to post on any of the other forums I'm a member of as I don't want people close to me to know what's going on at the moment.
Where to start?
Well, I've been married for 3, together for 5 years and have 2 children. My eldest is 7 and from a previous relationship (father not involved) and my youngest is almost 3. My husband is a wonderful man. He does everything he can for us, would go to the ends of the earth to make me happy and is a great father to both chlildren. We used to have fun, talk about everything and anything for hours, have a great sex life and laugh all the time. Those days seem so long ago though and now it feels as though there's just nothing there anymore. Deep down I know that I love him (although I feel I have to dig that little bit deeper to find it) but I feel bored, distant and that we're living together as two companions. There is absolutely no spark between us anymore, sex is a rare occurence and to be honest, most nights I go to bed and pray he doesn't want any although I used to have a much higher sex drive than him. And as stupid as it sounds, although I don't want it, I get upset when he doesn't seem to want it either
I really think a lot of what's happened is entirely down to circumstances. I'd be the first person to advise people to have someone look after the kids, have some time to themselves and remember why they fell in love in the first place but that isn't possible for us. We have absolutely NO ONE to babysit for us. Our eldest child is severely disabled so even if we wanted to, we couldn't hire a babysitter to look after him. So, as a result we NEVER have any time to ourselves. The last time we had an hour to ourselves was 4 years ago. As you can imagine, this means that there are very few opportunities for fun and no time to be husband and wife rather than just mum and dad. I'm a full time carer to my son so I don't work which means I have almost no adult interaction and the majority of my life is spent within these four walls of which I admit I do feel slightly resentful of. Although my husband is just going to work each day, I resent the fact that he's able to leave the house in the morning, have some adult company and a laugh with the people at work, go for lunch each day etc. When he comes home he has work to talk about, I have nothing anymore.
I went through a spell where I bought some sexy undies and tried making a huge effort and dressing up when the kids were asleep but to be honest, it didn't feel appreciated at all so now I don't try. Money is tight and time for me is really restricted so I haven't had a harcut in two years! I feel a mess, a frump but don't really have the inclination to do anything about it anymore. I feel as though I've completely lost the person I was and have just turned into this frumpy nobody who's now trapped in an empty marriage. I try to talk to my husband about things but all he says is that we'll make the change and do what it takes to make things better. He's been saing it for 2 years now and nothing has changed yet!
I don't want my marriage to be a failure but at the same time, I don't want to go through the next 50 years of my life this unhappy. I just can't see a way of reviving it. Having time to ourselves is impossible, the care and time that my son requires isn't going to change nor are any of our other circumstances so how do we make things better? How do I find me again and feel alive? How do I find the spark that our marriage needs? Or do I have to face up to the fact that things aren't going to get better?
Thank you so much to anyone who's read this far. I just really, really needed to get everything out.
Where to start?
Well, I've been married for 3, together for 5 years and have 2 children. My eldest is 7 and from a previous relationship (father not involved) and my youngest is almost 3. My husband is a wonderful man. He does everything he can for us, would go to the ends of the earth to make me happy and is a great father to both chlildren. We used to have fun, talk about everything and anything for hours, have a great sex life and laugh all the time. Those days seem so long ago though and now it feels as though there's just nothing there anymore. Deep down I know that I love him (although I feel I have to dig that little bit deeper to find it) but I feel bored, distant and that we're living together as two companions. There is absolutely no spark between us anymore, sex is a rare occurence and to be honest, most nights I go to bed and pray he doesn't want any although I used to have a much higher sex drive than him. And as stupid as it sounds, although I don't want it, I get upset when he doesn't seem to want it either
I really think a lot of what's happened is entirely down to circumstances. I'd be the first person to advise people to have someone look after the kids, have some time to themselves and remember why they fell in love in the first place but that isn't possible for us. We have absolutely NO ONE to babysit for us. Our eldest child is severely disabled so even if we wanted to, we couldn't hire a babysitter to look after him. So, as a result we NEVER have any time to ourselves. The last time we had an hour to ourselves was 4 years ago. As you can imagine, this means that there are very few opportunities for fun and no time to be husband and wife rather than just mum and dad. I'm a full time carer to my son so I don't work which means I have almost no adult interaction and the majority of my life is spent within these four walls of which I admit I do feel slightly resentful of. Although my husband is just going to work each day, I resent the fact that he's able to leave the house in the morning, have some adult company and a laugh with the people at work, go for lunch each day etc. When he comes home he has work to talk about, I have nothing anymore.
I went through a spell where I bought some sexy undies and tried making a huge effort and dressing up when the kids were asleep but to be honest, it didn't feel appreciated at all so now I don't try. Money is tight and time for me is really restricted so I haven't had a harcut in two years! I feel a mess, a frump but don't really have the inclination to do anything about it anymore. I feel as though I've completely lost the person I was and have just turned into this frumpy nobody who's now trapped in an empty marriage. I try to talk to my husband about things but all he says is that we'll make the change and do what it takes to make things better. He's been saing it for 2 years now and nothing has changed yet!
I don't want my marriage to be a failure but at the same time, I don't want to go through the next 50 years of my life this unhappy. I just can't see a way of reviving it. Having time to ourselves is impossible, the care and time that my son requires isn't going to change nor are any of our other circumstances so how do we make things better? How do I find me again and feel alive? How do I find the spark that our marriage needs? Or do I have to face up to the fact that things aren't going to get better?
Thank you so much to anyone who's read this far. I just really, really needed to get everything out.
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Comments
Having a disabled child must put a strain on any relationship and you are an absolute hero for being his full time carer and trying to give him the best start in life. But you shouldn't need to do this alone - have you contacted either your local social services or a support organisatin about occasional restbite care? As i'm sure your you will be entitled to some form of help from them.
Also is he accessing any form of education / day centre etc (the government has a legal requirement to ensure that he does) - could you use that time to get a part time job to ease the money worries and get out of the house a bit.
There is some more information here http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Respite-care/Pages/Introduction.aspx?url=Pages/What-is-it.aspx
He does go to school but his condition means that we (very often) receive a phonecall to say that he's become unwell and has to go to hospital. Sometimes this means he's in and out the same day, other times it can be anything up to a couple of months in hospital so we spend an awful lot of time in limbo and obviously it's very difficult to commit to an employer when you never know what the situation is going to be from one hour to the next! I've also still got my toddler at home as well to look after. He'll be 3 this year, though, so once he's at nursery it should free up a little bit of time.
With regards to respite, we were granted 4 hours a week in October last year but the funding is currently tied up elsewhere so it hasn't started yet and we've no idea when it will.
I think if anything, I'm just so frustrated because I want things to work but because there are so many circumstances that CAN'T be changed, it's so difficult to find a way round those to find "us" again.
Also don't be put off looking for a job as a just in case measure you might find that there are more employers than you think who are willing to be flexiable and all have to by law consider allowing you flexiable working arrangements. Otherwise you could at least do some volunteering or do a training course - something to get you out and about and meeting other people.