Privacy

Former Member

Ok so i have said a bit about my situation in my new relatonship tips post. My situation involves the issue of privacy.

I am talking about privacy in general but i suppose more about phone privacy. Id like to hear peoples thoughts about how much you have or would expect to have with your partner? Should it be completey for yourself? or should it be shared in a serious relationship?

Former Member

Shared? As in they share your phone? Or check your phone?

Former Member

Exactly - I don't fully understand the question

Former Member

g_angel wrote: »

Exactly - I don't fully understand the question

Sorry. I guess the question is, are you ever entiteled to check your partners phone, facebook? etc

I know some couples who freely pick up there partners phone and who know their facebook password etc. What are your thoughts on this?

Former Member

mrniceguy wrote: »

Sorry. I guess the question is, are you ever entiteled to check your partners phone, facebook? etc

I know some couples who freely pick up there partners phone and who know their facebook password etc. What are your thoughts on this?

I would never go through my partner's phone. It's a huge invasion of privacy.

Having a look on your partner's facebook profile as when viewing is normal, however, getting their passwords and then going through their inbox is a different matter.

Former Member

I don't go through my friends phones or check their facebook so I wouldn't do it to a partner either.

I'd hate it if anyone did it to me, so I treat other people how I'd like to be treated.

Former Member

I can see what your saying because i wouldnt go through my friends things. I guess i am a paranoid person because if things dont seem right i get suspicious. Little things like getting a big pause or vacant stare wen you ask an important question. The other day her phone kept vibrating and she said it was goin dead but then she put it on charge and it kept doin it? plus thats what happens when she gets a msg? She says she doesnt have many friends yet she is gettin constant tx msgs and goes out with the guys rom her work reguarly. All these type of things get to me then i am tempted took look because i dont wanna be taken for a fool. I worry that this could bring the end of my current relationship or any future ones. I hate feeling like im bein kept in the dark. What would you do if your partner made you suspicious? how do you handle paranoia?

Former Member

I have looked at exes phones in the past, to be honest if someone is behaving suspiciously and you don't trust them, it's hard to resist. If you trust your partner I believe you wouldn't feel the need to check up on them.

Former Member

I think you need to have a chat with this girl, mate.

Your relationship is not getting off to a good start, if this is how you are thinking/acting. You can't expect to know every little detail about your partner's life.

Former Member

Your phone and your facebook account etc. is every persons private stuff. And as it already says, 'private', should not be read and looked into by any person except the owner and those who have permission of the owner.

I would never control my g/f like that, and would be very disappointed if she did that to me.

/e: If her phone keeps going off and she says it's just because the battery is going empty and that clearly is rubbish you could say, "I do know you are getting text messages and it is ok for me if you are going out with your work mates, but you know you should tell me if you are romantically interested in someone else." or something along those lines. I dunno, never been in that situation.

That might set her really off, but hey, a bit of curiousity in that manner is alright I guess if she's obviously lying to you about the cell phone (getting texts). If it's just a white lie because you are a really jealous person who gets paranoid about every shit, she might have her reasons and might show you the texts that it's nothing. If she goes on a huge tangent about how you do not trust her it's very often, because it's YOU CAN'T trust her, since she's hiding something from you.

Doubting your partner is always a little hook in the stomach for that person, because she might become wary/afraid/angry, because of the distrust, but if she's obviously hiding something I think confronting her calmly about the matter is something you can really do.

Former Member

mrniceguy wrote: »

I know some couples who freely pick up there partners phone and who know their facebook password etc. What are your thoughts on this?

Doesn't this prove you don't trust them?

goes out with the guys rom her work reguarly.

What's wrong with this. Surely if she was up to something, she'd tell you something else?

Former Member

Melian wrote: »

Doesn't this prove you don't trust them?

To me, yes.

Former Member

Thanks for the insight guys its a big help as this is becoming a big thing for me. I cant stop thinkin that i am goin to look in her phoe and see what i dont want to, or see nothing but get caught either way will destroy the whole thing.

Its so hard because on one side i hate myself for it but on the other side i think sod it im not gonna be played.

The thing is its nothing to do with how many friends she has, how much she goes out etc because i want her to have that. Even if she is friends with her ex i would even respect that as they were together for 5 years. Its just i am such a simple straight forward person that i cant handle lies, even if they are only white lies. I know she has lied to me about her ex but dont know enough . I am giving her the benefit of the doubt as she has been great in every other way but im still tempted to look at her phone in the future.

I hate this sooooo much its getting to me really bad:mad:

Former Member

Ok here is another example that got me thinkin:

we were talkin about relationship stuff and she tells me that her ex has changed his relationship status on facebook so he must be ok about the break up?....Im thinkin ok but they were supposed to have broke up in November!!

Have i got insecurity problems or does that sound like bullshit to you too??

Former Member

mrniceguy wrote: »

Ok here is another example that got me thinkin:

we were talkin about relationship stuff and she tells me that her ex has changed his relationship status on facebook so he must be ok about the break up?....Im thinkin ok but they were supposed to have broke up in November!!

Have i got insecurity problems or does that sound like bullshit to you too??

you have insecurity problems.

but it's aight, we all have them to some degree.

Former Member

Mate you've got to learn to chill, I'd say slowly detach yourself from this one. Still see her etc but don't fall for her. Your relationship has got pain written all over, your pain and heartache if your not careful!!

Maybe I'm reading far too much into it but it sounds like she not over her ex. When did they break up?

Also stop putting the pussy on pedestal. If she says shit that don't add up, call her out on it. Don't sit by and let her take you for fool. If she lied to you regarding her ex and you've let it go without getting it out in open, you're asking for trouble big time. Don't be afraid of speaking up if things look fish, long as you can justify to yourself, and to her why you are questing her words.

I sometimes see early relationships are treated like games by both genders, the thing is mate, your game is fucking rigged in her favour.

Former Member

Harmless wrote: »

Mate you've got to learn to chill, I'd say slowly detach yourself from this one. Still see her etc but don't fall for her. Your relationship has got pain written all over, your pain and heartache if your not careful!!

Maybe I'm reading far too much into it but it sounds like she not over her ex. When did they break up?

Also stop putting the pussy on pedestal. If she says shit that don't add up, call her out on it. Don't sit by and let her take you for fool. If she lied to you regarding her ex and you've let it go without getting it out in open, you're asking for trouble big time. Don't be afraid of speaking up if things look fish, long as you can justify to yourself, and to her why you are questing her words.

I sometimes see early relationships are treated like games by both genders, the thing is mate, your game is fucking rigged in her favour.

You see this is a hard one because everyone is different as to what would bother them so i dont get one answer.

I know i need to chill about the little things because they really are not important. However being quite insecure things to do with her ex really gets to me.

The 3 words amongst a hell of alot of other things have been said on both parts and we have been on holiday together so cant really be detached now, the eggs are in the basket so to speak. The holiday was amazing but things got on top of me and i looked at her phone without letting her know i bought up the convo of her ex. She said she got a birthday text from him so i took that opportunity and asked to look at her phone knowing there was others. Unfortunately i only got to one that she talked her way out of and she didnt let me look at the sent ones. She stood there and said she hasn't been texting him back but there was a couple in her sent.

Ok so she stood there and lied and there was one from him that said i love you but the two that i seen in her sent wasnt enough to say she was cheating only texting back and it was only two in about 40 msgs so im thinkin that she just feels really bad about leaving him and is tryin to be friendly. Even this i could understand as they were together a long time so she might just wanna stay friends BUT WHY LIE?....... it got to maybe we shouldn't carry on seeing each other when we get back but that only lasted about half hour before we both said sorry.

Its a real dilema because this feels like the girl of my dreams. We have even talked about travelling together and living together. The question is should i continue to spy at the risk of loosing her for good or think about a year, 2 years, 5 years down the line?

Former Member

You said the ex and her dated 5 years? well that's a really long time, I'm thinking she still cares about this guy and wants to just be friends, there could really be a lot of reasons but only she can answer them, So you both need to sit down and talk about it. Cause you can ask anyone and everyone can have answer for you but only she can give you the right one. You need to tell her what all this is doing to you, yeah she might think you are paranoid like we do lol but oh well. If you don't want to snoop around her stuff that's the only way you will get stuff out of her just asking straight out.

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

Your phone and your facebook account etc. is every persons private stuff. And as it already says, 'private', should not be read and looked into by any person except the owner and those who have permission of the owner.

I would never control my g/f like that, and would be very disappointed if she did that to me.

/e: If her phone keeps going off and she says it's just because the battery is going empty and that clearly is rubbish you could say, "I do know you are getting text messages and it is ok for me if you are going out with your work mates, but you know you should tell me if you are romantically interested in someone else." or something along those lines. I dunno, never been in that situation.

That might set her really off, but hey, a bit of curiousity in that manner is alright I guess if she's obviously lying to you about the cell phone (getting texts). If it's just a white lie because you are a really jealous person who gets paranoid about every shit, she might have her reasons and might show you the texts that it's nothing. If she goes on a huge tangent about how you do not trust her it's very often, because it's YOU CAN'T trust her, since she's hiding something from you.

Doubting your partner is always a little hook in the stomach for that person, because she might become wary/afraid/angry, because of the distrust, but if she's obviously hiding something I think confronting her calmly about the matter is something you can really do.

haha I thought this was the best answer really

Former Member

mrniceguy wrote: »

Sorry. I guess the question is, are you ever entiteled to check your partners phone, facebook? etc

I know some couples who freely pick up there partners phone and who know their facebook password etc. What are your thoughts on this?

My thoughts are that it's fucked up. We all need our own privacy and personal space, no matter how much we love our partners.

Former Member

Ok im probably talking about the issues i have rather than the privacy thing because i know that invading someones privacy is just a no no. I am taking this really seriously because i really dont want to lose his girl. If need be im willing to get professional advice.

I can fully respect that she wants to do right by her ex as they were together 5 years but it doesn't give her the right to lie. I can even understand that she might keep it from me because she doesn't want to lose me.

The problem is where does that leave me? I have to accept the fact that she cheated with me and then i was left to the side while she went back to her ex. Then i had to wait all this time for her to end it. Then i have to deal with them texting each other.

I know invading privacy is bad but what would you do in my situation??

Former Member

Hmmm you obviously don't trust her, but from what you've just said, I can't blame you. I don't trust my girlfriend 100% either, partly because I'm a paranoid person who finds it hard to trust anyone, and partly because of things I know about her.
What you've got to figure out is, is this un-trusting relationship worth it? Will this become a serious problem? Will you always be paranoid and wanting to check up on everything she does because you're scared of her cheating? Is it just this relationship, or you as a person? These are all things I've had to think about.
Personally, in your situation, yes I'd be very tempted to check her phone....though I'd definately try not to.

Former Member

Mate I’d have it all out with her. Relationships can’t last without trust…currently your relationship is built on shifting sands, any happiness you feel is quickly taken away when she gets a txt etc.

Tell her how your feeling and make the point you have a problem. But don’t take all the shit, she has lied and she got to clear the air fully in order for things to work.

You need to find a time and place and have it all out. Remember trust is earned and isn’t the default. The bird needs to be completely honest for you to have any hope of trusting her fully. Should she do that, you then need to make sure you aren’t spying on her going forward. Can you control yourself?

You’d be fool not to be wary of her actions and words, personally there are few women I would trust when it comes to relationships.

Former Member

Aww this sucks. I have fallen in love and just want to be able to enjoy it. Makes me wonder if it is worth having a relationship at all.

Ok so if i have it out with her and admit to looking in her phone she could just dump me on the spot. Even if we talk it through, it will probably put a downer on her because she will worry that i wont trust her and will look at her phone all the time. I really dont wanna start like that.

If i could jut see enough to put my mind at ease about her ex i would be happy to move on. I feel like i need real reassurance that would be on her phone because if she is upto something, talking to her will only let her know that im onto her and she ovbiously isnt goin to admit to aything now. Even if i find that she has been talking to him longer than she has told me i would be ok but i just need to know if there is anything serious so i know if its worth carryig on with her.

I think because she as lied, talking wont satisfy me, unless she owns up to stuff which is doubtful. The truth is on the phone!!

Former Member

Mate your coming at it all wrong. Yes you did wrong, but SO DID SHE!!!! HELLO, she lied to you, mislead you and gave you gut feeling of untrustworthy-ness.

The point of clearing the air is to get it all out, talking it through and forgive each other. If she can’t see why you did what you did, do you really want to be with her?

The truth will most likely hurt and it’s overrated. What matters is the now, make sure the bitch is telling the truth going forward. How you do this is by getting her to open, firstly you gotta tell her your fears and reason for those fears. Ignore the part about peaking at her phone if you must.

Former Member

On a general basis I'd say that phone privacy is a must for me. I couldn't handle a partner that'd constantly trying to sneek peek on my phone to see convos between me and my friends, If I'd feel that kind of distrust It'd quickl put me off spending time on the relationship.

That being said, I think you both have done wrong here, you for peeking, but her for lying to you about her ex, so my advice would be to try to talk to her. The truth is that if you can't stop being suspicious and she can't stop lying and really get over her ex the relationship isn't going to work out.

Former Member

Whatever way i play this out guys its not good. I think that im gonna give it more time because we live apart atm and its just too early to be puttin pressure on.

If it goes well when i move closer to her i will hopefully be able to put this behind me. I think if there is something goin on with her ex it will show itself when i am closer to her. It has put me on a downer that she has lied but then if i was in her shoes i might of done the same, 5 years is not something you can get over quickly im sure. So she might of just wanted to keep it quiet untill it has died off with her ex.

If i can get over it without drama id be happier because drama is always remembered.

My own stupid fault for looking in her phone i guess. Im gonna try and rise above it, give her the trust that i should of give her at the start and see how the next couple of months go. At the end of the day if i want to be with her long-term then i have to be thicker skinned. I am sure there is gonna be many other things tha get to me so i migt as well learn how to deal with them now.

The lesson i have learnt so far is DONT PEAK if you like the person

Former Member

Oh, so you're in a LDR?

Hope it turns out well for you, but remember that trust is important in every relationship but especially when being apart.

Former Member

I'm sure I'm wrong, but it sounds like all you want to say to her is that you understand she still cares about her ex and you don't want her to lie to you about it. Maybe she was lying because she's not over him, or she can't be trusted, but maybe it was because she wasn't sure how you'd feel about it. You need to talk to her, but I think you also need to think about why you feel you can't trust her. If my boyfriend didn't get texts from an ex I'd be very surprised, especially if they'd been together 5 years. I would have to feel very insecure to be worried about it. You really need to talk to her, though.

Former Member

T-Kay wrote: »

Oh, so you're in a LDR?

Hope it turns out well for you, but remember that trust is important in every relationship but especially when being apart.

Unfortnuately yes. Its the only reason i will hold off on this. So much could change when i move. Our relationship has't developed that much yet. We have been away together for a week and have had several visits back and forth over the last year.

I am gonna try and make the move in about a month, so feelin a bit anxious. I am hoping that all the doubt will dissapear when i am closer because i will see her actions, not just words. I know this should be solved before the move but we haven't spent long enough together to feel a real bond, so i dont wanna be too hasty. With what has been said and the time that we have shared i cant see why she would mess me about.

DAMN MOBILE PHONES!

Former Member

Naturegoddess wrote: »

I'm sure I'm wrong, but it sounds like all you want to say to her is that you understand she still cares about her ex and you don't want her to lie to you about it. Maybe she was lying because she's not over him, or she can't be trusted, but maybe it was because she wasn't sure how you'd feel about it. You need to talk to her, but I think you also need to think about why you feel you can't trust her. If my boyfriend didn't get texts from an ex I'd be very surprised, especially if they'd been together 5 years. I would have to feel very insecure to be worried about it. You really need to talk to her, though.

This was actually our first and only argument. I told her that but she didn't fess up to the msgs and i couldn bring myself to tell her that i looked at her phone. I have stressed to her that i would understand if she wants to stay friends with her ex. She said she would like to but doesn't think it will happen. She has had the opportunity to tell me but never did. Like you say though she might just be worried i would end it with her if she told me so im gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and a bit more time with the break up. Even though it is DAMN hard for me.