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Getting someone to forgive you.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've got a big problem at the minute.
You may have seen my thread in teh health and wellbeing section in which ive been suffering from alcoholism and crashed my friends car under the influence.
I've never had a friend like him, ever. And now I dont think he wants to know me any more.
I used to live with him and hes thrown me out.
He did however say that if I can prove to him I can get my life back on track and prove to him that I'm not a complete screw up then I will be able to move back in in the future.
But I'm worried that he will never truly forgive me for this and I cant stand the thought of that.
I am replacing the car which he said he can forgive me for but said he cant forgive the lack of respect of lying to him and driving it under the influence when hes told me for months I have a problem.
Truth is I really love him as a mate and I cant think of anything worse than losing him. At the moment it feels worse than breaking up from my girlfriend.
Does anyone know what I can do to maybe help get him to forgive me?
You may have seen my thread in teh health and wellbeing section in which ive been suffering from alcoholism and crashed my friends car under the influence.
I've never had a friend like him, ever. And now I dont think he wants to know me any more.
I used to live with him and hes thrown me out.
He did however say that if I can prove to him I can get my life back on track and prove to him that I'm not a complete screw up then I will be able to move back in in the future.
But I'm worried that he will never truly forgive me for this and I cant stand the thought of that.
I am replacing the car which he said he can forgive me for but said he cant forgive the lack of respect of lying to him and driving it under the influence when hes told me for months I have a problem.
Truth is I really love him as a mate and I cant think of anything worse than losing him. At the moment it feels worse than breaking up from my girlfriend.
Does anyone know what I can do to maybe help get him to forgive me?
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Comments
As you've said, if you can get back on track and try to sort out your drinking problem then thats a great way to show you want to change things and make things better.
You always think people won't forgive you for things you've done. Im not sure when this was exactly but im guessing your mate is still in the pissed off/angry stage, so its just best to let it go for abit. In a couple of months things will blow over and your mate will see sense and get over it
Im hoping the car isnt written off.
So what have you learnt about this all to stop it happening again in the future? Have you 'grown up'? Have you realised you are fucking up everyone else's life as well as your own?
Stop being dumb and just sort yourself out. Worrying about whether he stays your friend is the least of your problems. Stop being selfish, grow up, pay him any money he has lost in this incident because of you and then, hopefully, he may see a real mature change in you and rebuild his trust in you.
I'm sorry if this message is harsh but sweet, kind words won't help. You drove drunk. You're a dick. Now fix it.
http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=131327
Sounds like you could have completely fucked it up this time. Get help, sort yourself out, pay him back and THEN try salvage your friendship.
Show him you can stop drinking, show him you can beat alcoholism, give it your best shot and even if he wont forgive you, you will have his trust.
Have a good think about what he told you, no more screw ups, no more feeling sorry for yourself, stand on your own two feet and show him you arent a screw up and a loser.
Ive promised him I'll prove myself to hime come hell or high water.
Friendships are equal and it sounds to me like youre acting like a child and want him as a sort of parent
Ive admitted to him I have a problem and I want to sort it out.
And I know I dont deserve his forgiveness, Ive never felt any such amount of regret as I do now and if I do loose him as a friend then its no ones fault but mine and I'll just have to accept it and take it as a lesson learned.
If he made you that offer even tho he should be nothing but irate with you, it shows that he's probably the best mate you can ever get. What you need to do is sort out your problems and lay off the alcohol.
Ive not had a drop to drink since and I feel really ill now which im assuming is withrawal symptoms.
But I am going to get help and prove myself to him.
I would never say that to him because im sure it would just make him madder and im not in a position to be dishing out the ultimatums.
Empty rhetoric really - and far easier said than done. A 'true friend' wouldn't have done that to a friend in the first place.
I dont knwo what to say really. It was a mistake, not a malicious act.
I'd do absolutely anything for him and i mean anything. Id cut my own arm off for him. Ive never had a friend like him and I made a stupid mistake and ive promised him ill sort it and admitted to having a serious problem. And ive spent every single minute since the accident regretting it.
I don't deny that you are remorseful and contrite about what happened. We all feel that way when bad things happen because of our actions.
You say it was a 'mistake' but at what stage did this 'mistake' become apparent? When you drank? Or when, in spite of knowing you were drunk (and probably aware that you were over the limit), you STILL decided to take his car out? Or was it a 'mistake' that you crashed it?
No matter how you look at it, you CHOSE (that may be considered 'malicious') to take the car while under the influence of alcohol even though you must have known he would not approve.
If this incident/accident hadn't occurred this time, are you telling us that hand-on-heart, it was a once off? C'mon. If you had got away with it once, you would have tried it again.
All I can say is thank god no one was killed because of your stupidity. Imagine that on your conscience too.
I'm sorry that I can't find the warm, fuzzy wuzzy words to sooth your battered pride and ego, but you don't deserve any.
However, if you were to tell me now that you have given up drinking and were making active changes to your life and your relationship with those around you, I'd give you all the support and encouraging words that you need. I do hope you have leant your lesson.
It's quite possible that there are deep seated issues that you have that have caused you to slip into this behaviour but you know now that these MUST be addressed. Now.
I'm sure you're a good bloke really ... so don't waste your life any more. Okay?
I'm glad no one was hurt as well. I wish I'd been hurt to be honest.
I did actually feel like dying after it happened because of teh very strong possibility that I could loose the closest person to me in my life.
Hey, this is clearly a really, really tough situation. Obviously what's done is done and you are bound to beat yourself up about it - but probably one of the best things you can do now is to give your friend some space and focus on improving your own situation - take a look at Sim1's advice on that in your other thread.
It may also help to get some non-judgemental advice, in confidence, from askTheSite
When you are more confident and happy about your future, you can perhaps think about rebuilding old friendships. Some people find writing a letter can help - There's a book called 'The most important letter you'll ever write - how to tell loved ones how you feel before it's too late' - might be worth looking in to.
Take good care of yourself and others around you.
I actually agree with this...
Putting myself in your mates shoes I would be well fucked off if a mate of mine did something like that to me, its the breaking the trust thats the worst bit.
But my closest mates are like brothers to me and it would take something a hell of a lot more serious than that for me to end my friendship with them, I wouldn't even have gone as far as to kick someone out.
From what I have read it sounds like you need some support at the moment, you have done some stupid things, but you know that and your working to sort them out.
To say hes like a brotehr to me is an understatement.
He's closer to me than my own brother and so the situation has been magnified.
I don't think it's as simple as a single event causing this. It's been building up for months now. Proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and all that.
The events before this in which he hit me where sorted out.
However this is not an unrelated incident.
Its all stemmed from the drinking side of things and now that problem has been addressed and help being seeked.
It's going to take a long time but I'm crossing my fingers that once I am over the problem I can salvage my friendship and over time earn back his trust.
This has been one serious learning curve and one hell of a wake up call for me.
Meantime I am staying at my mums and in about, oh, ten minutes from now my dad will get home from working away in Ireland and I will no doubt show up in court black and blue.
Also where can I find that book that was mentioned about writing him a letter?
You might sort it out you might not - what you really need to do is look as what you can learn for yourself from this experience and not do the same to other friends.
Also try and put yourself in his shoes and see how he might be feeling at the moment.