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Unusual relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hoping that someone can identify with my situation and help me out. I am a 37 yr old male, married for 13 years, 2 kids 7&11, wife is 37 also.
My problem is that our sexual roles seem to be reversed and have been for a long time. I have a need for intimacy and sex where as my wife could take it or leave it. We probably have sex about once a month, sometimes we miss a month:mad: . wife is not on birth control and never has been. I love foreplay and oral sex. she does not. she prefers wham-bam-thank you ma'am. She orgasms extremely easily. usually in only a couple of minutes. sometimes in her sleep. never multiple orgasms though. when she is done, she wants me to be done. If I take more that 4-5 minutes she wants to know what is taking so long? I want it to last and be fun. We never kiss. Sometimes, as a "joke", she acts like I have the cooties when I try to kiss her and says "ewww!". I think we are both attractive and have healthy bodies, although she has a slight image problem. I am constantly telling her that she is hot, beautiful, etc. I touch her all the time, which usually bugs her. She covers up when we are alone and I am trying to get a peek at her body. She rarely touches me. I want that intimacy. A touch on the leg or neck, anything. I give massages. She has probably only given me a couple in our whole marriage. Usually I get horned up during the massages that I give her and that frustrates her because she wants a massage, not sex. I love to go down on her, but she says I stay there too long and get too kinky. She doesn't like the sounds that it makes. I have probably only gotten 3-4 bj's to the extent where I have ejaculated during our whole marriage. If she does do it as foreplay, I can't look at her and it doesn't last for more than 30 seconds or a minute. She just wants me to "put it in and do" her. She is not vocal at all. Never any dirty talk. She has even laughed at me when I have gotten vocal. A little heavy breathing sometimes, but that's about it. I don't think she has ever masturbated. I do all the time. I honestly think about sex probably 40-50 times a day. I can't speak for her, but I wonder if she goes days without thinking about it. Special occasions are never special enough for sex. I usually end up frustrated on my birthday, Valentine's day, anniversary, New Year's Eve. Too many times to count.
I do the dishes daily, iron her work clothes, make her lunch and dinner, take care of the kids. She is a full-time worker and part time student working on her masters. I am a construction worker who is laid off quite a bit so I have the time to do this kind of stuff.
We have never really had a "great" sex life. I have told her that 2-3 times a week would make me estatic, but our whole marriage it has been about 1-3 times a month, even when we were younger. There is not a trust issue in our relationship. we both trust each other very much. Some might say (and have said) that she is getting her sex somewhere else, but I know she is not. I think she trusts me so much that the thought of me straying to satisfy my sexual urges seems absurd to her. Which it is. I have NEVER cheated for 15 years. But I've heard her aunts and other women say that you have to take care of your man sexually or they will go elsewhere. This seems proposterous to her because she knows that is not going to happen. I almost wish the thought of that scarred her a little. She is not jealous at all. It's like she thinks that no other woman in the world would be interested in me. And as I said before, we are both attractive people. She constantly puts me down, pointing out a stray nose hair or ear hair, legs and butt are gross and hairy, the sound of my voice even bugs her sometimes. She doesn't make fun of my big nose, but does comment that she doesn't like it when my big nostrils breathe too hard in her direction.
I hear women say all the time that they wish their men would pay more attention to them, enjoy foreplay, last more than a couple minutes, etc. It seems like I have those same wishes, but I am the man. My wife seems to be more like the man sexually. What can I do? It might seem like I am complaining, but I just want things to change. It might also seem like we are unhappy, but we are not. We are always the life of the party. Everyone says what a great couple we are and such good/cool parents. We really do enjoy each other's company. It just sucks that sex is not important to her and she knows it is to me, but doesn't really care that I am suffering. Who wants to have sex once a month if it is only gonna last a couple minutes? Any advice?:banghead:


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is this what it has aaalways been like? You can't force her to want more sex but you could try and encourage it, have you really talked ot her about how youd like to spend more time alone having fun in the bedroom?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds to me like you are really unhappy that you just don't want to admit it. Maybe you should discuss with her that you're unhappy about how you're not getting enough intimacy and see where it goes. IF you can't be honest with yourself about how unhappy you really are, then how can you expect to be honest with her. You know it is a two way street.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi sorry to hear about that sound like you really need to sit down and say how you feel id hate only getting it like that just last week 6times i got sex im a very sexual person and it very important to me and it sounds like you are too maybe your wife just isnt like that and feels sex isnt that important in a relationship to her maybe?:chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you considered sex counselling? 0r have talked to her seriously? It sounds as if she still finds sex embarrasing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No one can ever give you perfect advice so sometimes you have to take bits and put it all together..

    It seems to me that the way she is reacting towards you is like the way someone would if they are fed up, or even annoyed by someone. This can cause people to point out faults and errors often.

    I may be wrong but she may be under a lot of stress studying for her masters, and I know it shouldn't be taken out on you but you are the first point of contact.

    Sometimes it can be down to spending just too much time together, not being able to spend a day or night out to unwind alone or with friends, doing things they like such as hobbies.

    First thing you should do is sit down and talk. No matter where you go, or who you ask for advice they will always encourage you to talk about your problems. Explain to your wife how you feel, how she makes you feel by putting you down and ask her to share how she feels.

    Communication in a relationship/marriage is a key point and you need to be able to freely express your emotions to each other.

    Second to that, maybe suggest she goes for a weekend holiday with her friends to unwind and relax away from her studying - you might find she has a change of heart when she comes back.

    As I said at the start, we can only offer advice so I hope you do sit down and speak with her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I dont remember writing this!!!! hold on i didnt! however this is almost a carbon copy of my relationship! (see prevous posts) if i am honest ur 3 or 4 bjs are more than my none! and as for oral for her my fav and she has never let me! I learned to give up on sex a long long time ago although i am about to tonight address it and the relationship as a whole! it cannot be right going through life without basics that make a relationship work! she needs to know that your not happy and why and then discuss why its like that! it could be something simple! i really do feel for ya fella really do and if its any help i honestly know what your going through and u are not alone! i imagine there are lots of people in the same situatuon! i am going to address mine and only u will know the best thing to do with yours, mine just so happens to have come to a head so to speak (chance would be a fine thing!)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    newboy wrote: »
    I dont remember writing this!!!! hold on i didnt! however this is almost a carbon copy of my relationship! (see prevous posts)

    You mean the post that you went back and deleted, in spite of the fact that your situation may have helped someone else with the advice that was given? :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Ooo ur right! i didnt think about it that way! im new hence the name and did not know how it worked! i got the advise i needed and was very pleased! kinda getting addicted to this site! however didnt think of it that way! and ur right! i wondered how long it would stay up there and thought it may get boring but in hindsight you are correct! so sorry guys i deleted my post! however i got some great advise! harsh and honest and sometimes thats what i need! i promise future posts will be kept up! :nervous:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :) Good boy!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've done what you can...

    You've exhausted all your efforts. Most women would appreciate the fact that you are doing all this foreplay, but it must not float her boat. Either that she really just wants you to make her orgasm and get over it. Try talking to her again. It must be so sexually frustrating for you. Just ask her if you can just enjoy some sex going slow [this weekend or whenever you can]. Tell her it would mean a lot to you. Some people in general are just not very affectionate people. And that's okay, but just tell her that you want a kiss before she goes to work, comes home, go to sleep at night. You are her husband, not a boyfriend she is trying to keep from her parents.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In a way she does sound like deep down she's got a fear of being intimate? The only way you'll get round this is by talking together and working out what the problems are.
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