Helping a self-harmer

Former Member

Hi,

A friend has just told me they self-harm and would really like feedback from anyone who has either been in the same situation as me of trying to help someone or someone who has self-harmed in the past and has managed to stop.

I just really would like any advice that anyone can give that might help me help my friend get through their tough times.

I've never done this before and feel very nervous but so far from reading the advice on http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/selfharm/supportingsomeonewhoselfharms I think I've made the right moves. I just don't want to mess up the progress made so far.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Former Member

Well just don't treat them any differently. Treat them just the same as you did before. So they don't feel that anything has changed. Because often poeple don't mean to but make them like a "Freak" or different now that people know.

Hope it helps. If would like anymore advice please private email me.

Former Member

try not be scared about talking about it, give them time and space to talk and don't give them a hard time if they've cut cos they'll probably be ashamed anyway. don't get freaked out if they go into details. be supportive of any improvements they make and ecourage them to get help. Also, if you know the sort of thing that caused it (for example the way their parents spoke to them) try not to do that cos they might slip into thinking the same way. maybe offer to go to doctors appointments with them.

x

Former Member

Don't force them to talk about it or give it. They will talk about it if they want and stop when they want to. Don't force them to get help or talk to other people about this. If they want to get help, they'll do it when they're ready.

TBH, it's a rubbish situation to be in (I self harm and am friends with a few people who do it too) but there's not a lot you can do about it.

Former Member

Yeah support is the best thing that you can do for them and dont force them into anything thye don't want to do. It could only make it worse. And that is something that you want to try and avoid. When they do start to talk don't inturpt (well not unless needed) and don't be scared or shocked. Because what they tell you they might not of told anyone else and might be confiding in you.

But do make sure that if you think it is serious enough that you tell an adult the information. Becasue even if they tell you not to tell it might be for their safety that you tell. And you wouldn't want to have the guilt if something bad happened to them.

Just make sure your there when they need you. And try your best to stay calm with the information they tell and try your best to understand and try your best not to be different around them.

Former Member

Reemeber, this isn't your fault and there isn't a lot you can do about this. I had a really hard time trying to explain to a friend of mine a few years ago, who then told me he can't trust me. (and no, he doesn't understand at all)

Former Member

Melian wrote: »

Don't force them to talk about it or give it. They will talk about it if they want and stop when they want to. Don't force them to get help or talk to other people about this. If they want to get help, they'll do it when they're ready.

TBH, it's a rubbish situation to be in (I self harm and am friends with a few people who do it too) but there's not a lot you can do about it.

Absolutely agree with this, especially the part about not forcing them to get help. Also agree with whoeveritwas (sorry, I'm rubbish) who said not to bitch at them if they cut and DO NOT make them promise not to do it because when they do it will only make the fallout even worse. I used to sh (not frequently, but enough) and it always made me hurt more because I felt I'd let everyone down more than I did before.

Again, if you would like any more advice feel free to PM me, only happy to help . Also, take a look at the Depression and Self-Harming thread (if it's not on this page, it'll be on the second page, it used to be a sticky but there's a thread at the top of the page explaining why it isn't now) and that might give you a big of an insight into the minds of the people that are going through it.

Former Member

Hiya

First of all, I think its great that you're willing to help your friend. She/he obviously confided in you for a reason, and so keep that in mind!

The main thing I guess is to be there for your friend in whatever they choose to do. Telling you about their self-harm will have taken a lot of courage and you could even be the first person they've told. They've overcome the first obstacle by opening up to you... but anything else could prove too much too soon.

Let them know that you're there to listen, and if they are willing to find help then just support them through that process as much as you can.

If things get too much though, remember your emotional wellbeing is just as important! If it starts to get out of hand, set up a system or just basic ground rules... which can give you some space. If you're happy to talk but perhaps the details of their injuries make you feel uncomfortable, then perhaps ask your friend to focus on their feelings and what drives them to self-harm. Also, you can talk to someone about what you're going through, maybe someone who doesn't know your friend.

Take care and all the best!

Former Member

Hi,

Just to echo what has been said before its really good that you are being so supportive of your friend, who is obviously in some level of distress.

The only thing I can add to the above is perhaps one suggestion to help or reduce the harm done by your friend's self-harming.

When people self-harm it is often because the mental processes or feelings that they have are too intense or distressing and they can't 'switch them off' or escape from them - so they have to interrupt them by creating a stimulus that forces them to change their attention onto something else (this has been recognized for some time now in mental healthcare).

Self harm is most commonly a mechanism for interrupting painful thought processes or feelings. The problem is that common self harming techniques often leave scars or can leave complications (such as infections) from cutting or burning.

If your friend is doing any of the above you might recommend that instead of either of the above, that they clutch an ice cube. This is a strategy that is used in mental healthcare in the short term to prevent any lasting damage - it has the same effect because holding something extremely cold in your hand for a long period hurts, but the temperature is not extreme enough, and the cube will not last long enough, to do lasting damage.

This is something your friend might think about doing in the meantime, but ultimately they will need to confront and deal with whatever the cause of their distress is. I hope that they feel better.

Take care,

Mike

Former Member

A massive thank you to everyone for your feeback and support! I never expected to get such an huge amount of help. You people are great and I really appreciate your time.

I'll try hard to keep it up while baring in mind what you have all said. For someone who has never self-harmed it's such a scary and unthinkable prospect :crying:

I will do my best to stay as supportive as possible while trying to supress any urge to just rush over and give a great big hug to make it all go away.

It's still early days since I found out the reality of the situation but I know that seeking professional help is already out of the question, apparently some years ago, when it was bad then too, my friend did try to get help but whoever was providing this help "suffocated" them with it (my friends words). Some years on and they have lost all faith in seeking that help again...

Former Member

(first post here so im not 100% on the rules etc but....)

try http://www.nshn.co.uk

it is an online community of people who have / still do self harm. there are pages for advice from friends and family etc, i think you will find many people in the same situation.

hope this helps

Former Member

purplestarfish wrote: »

If things get too much though, remember your emotional wellbeing is just as important! If it starts to get out of hand, set up a system or just basic ground rules... which can give you some space.

:yes: I never had this a with a friend of mine. It would've been easier if I did.