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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
my 1st post so here goes.
i am a 50 year old guy and have lived with my common law wife for 25 years we have 2 kids aged 22 and 19.
our relationship has hit rock bottom for the following reasons.
she refuses to allow the kids to pay towards the bills even though they both have decent paid full time jobs.
she happilly will tidy up the kids mess and never ask them to do anything.
we have slept in different rooms for the past 10 years and of course our love life has become laughable.
she works as a nurse and for the past 10 years has worked 6 days per week with 90% of the shifts being afternoon which means she gets home at 10pm and goes to bed around 12 and gets up the following morning around 10ish ,this means we rarely see each other and most evening i spend on my own well to be honest every evening on my own.
she has book her 1st overseas holiday this year and will be going with rthe kids and their partners in truth i was invited but sadly dont fancy flying,i did suggest a cruise but she does not like ships.
your thoughts please.
i am a 50 year old guy and have lived with my common law wife for 25 years we have 2 kids aged 22 and 19.
our relationship has hit rock bottom for the following reasons.
she refuses to allow the kids to pay towards the bills even though they both have decent paid full time jobs.
she happilly will tidy up the kids mess and never ask them to do anything.
we have slept in different rooms for the past 10 years and of course our love life has become laughable.
she works as a nurse and for the past 10 years has worked 6 days per week with 90% of the shifts being afternoon which means she gets home at 10pm and goes to bed around 12 and gets up the following morning around 10ish ,this means we rarely see each other and most evening i spend on my own well to be honest every evening on my own.
she has book her 1st overseas holiday this year and will be going with rthe kids and their partners in truth i was invited but sadly dont fancy flying,i did suggest a cruise but she does not like ships.
your thoughts please.
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Comments
You've said yourself that the relationship is at rock bottom. I'm not sure why you're still actually living in the same house.
just wanted others views because after 25 years you get into a rut and soldier on and kid yourself things may change.
They won't change unless you sit down and work it out between you. Sitting back and letting things get worse will do exactly that. If you want it to work out between you both you both need to start making the effort.
Relationship counselling wont save a relationship if its doomed to fail, but it can help get your mind clear and help it be saved if thats what you both want.
I agree with Suzie if you have any interest in saving your relationship I would go for counselling. It's not uncommon for people to drift apart but if you both want to be together you need to make more of an effort. So you don't like flying and she doesn't like cruises, how about when she comes home you go somewhere in the U.K together alone, spend some time re discovering each other, put the past behind you and start again. Shift work can be horrible for a relationship but its not the end of the world, have you considered arranging time together, making a date night or setting a few hours aside for each other, maybe having tea ready for her when she comes home and running her a bath and then having a chat and a cuddle for an hour? At the moment it sounds very much like you have two seperate lives and simply live in the same house.
this is the 1st time i have expressed my thoughts regarding my personal life and i hope i dont come across as a sad case?
my partner has just gone to bed ,since she came home at 10 we exchanged possibly 10 words between us.
i would feel to embarrased to speak to anyone in person so its easier to say what i feel on here,possibly the attention she gives the kids makes me feel envious which is a terrible thing for any father to say,any sense she has goes out the window when the kids ask/demand anything from her.
my sons girlfriend moved in with us 2 years ago and during this period she has not contributed one penny towards bills which makes me angry and in turn my partner and I always end up having a row.
my son/daugter and his girlfriend have a combined income of around 30k yet my partner would rather she worked herself silly in order the kids can go and piss their money up the wall ect.
the kids have rooms that resemble a bombsite they leave dirty laundry and never wash up or indeed undertake any chore at all,my partner ignores everything and just clears up their mess without any hint of anger/umbrage which again leads to quarreling between us.
approx 10 months ago i had too much to drink and became abusive to her saying terrible things ,my son who is a big lad intervened and me and him wrestled to the floor at no time was any punches exchanged,my partner called the police and on her insistence the police forced me to leave the house that night,when i returned the following morning she had put my stuff into bin bags and left then on the doorstep,after apologising i was forgiven.
6 months ago my son came home drunk threatening and verbally abusing me whilst punching a hole through the wall and ripping the phone off the wall,when i went to call the police to calm the situation my partner begged me not to call them,my sons abuse lasted for around 45 minutes until he went to bed,my partner said to me she should have left me years ago.
the following morning my son never offered any apology nor my partner in fact they and his girlfriend were having a laugh and joke in the garden whilst cooking the BBQ it was as though the previos evening never happened.
sorry this is so long winded.
her average working week is beyond the call of duty and in truth she loves her job which explains many things.
listed below is her work pattern since saturday and trust me this is the norm.
saturday 7am till 10 pm
sunday 1pm till 10pm
monday 7am till 10pm
tuesday 1pm till 10pm
wednesday 1pm till 10pm
today 7am till 10pm
the way i see things is if the kids helped by say contributing £100 per month x 3 = £300 this amount would/should mean my partner has no need to work overtime? she however has different ideas and flatly refuses to take anything from them.
by my calculations i spend 300 evening per year on my own!!and frankly there must be more to life than this? true we go out for the occasional meal with the kids yet as a couple we do nothing.
seems to me everything must be done her way, here are examples.
i told her countless times that our son must put money away for his car insurance ect because if he spends his hard earned we would end up paying his insurance,my partner is the 1st to tell me regarding gas bills ect yet she remained silent when she indeed paid my sons insurance of £550 i only discovered purely by chance.
2 years ago the kids wanted a dog,i was against this idea as i knew they would not care for the pet,my partner and kids assured me they would do the things required yet when we got the dog they do nothing and my partner and myself have to pay the £30 per month which the dog costs.
i know i am coming across as some hard done by person but there must be more to life than the the life i am leading.
I think you really need to ignore all this stuff about the kids, her working hours, dogs, insurance, money etc etc and talk about the two of you. You don't sound happy, you sound like you know what you want - more time with your wife. From what you are saying she hasn't really said what she wants? What does she say when you say you want to spend more time with her? Have you talk about where the relationship will go if nothing changes?
and what are her ideas?
her ideas are simply that we should pay for the kids no matter what they earn.
she feels there is nothing wrong with our relationship as she is happy in her job and spends most of her time there,apart from when she is asleep we spend possibly less than 20 hours together per week!!!!
i would like to have more time together maybe the occasional week end away on our own yet she always insists we cannot afford such things yet she gave the kids £500 each for their birthday which i thought was excessive and then gave them a further £300 each for xmas,these levels of gifts would be ok if you were well off yet we are ordinary earning people and i feel she was far too lavish.
You also dont get what you need from her and are ignored and are getting angrier and angrier and even getting aggressive now at times.
This isnt right of course, but if youre being honest and this isnt actually regular aggressive outbursts, then i kind of think "im not surprised, I would too", although that doesnt make it right. Violence is never ok.
I think you are having a relationship breakdown or it already has broken down.
Whether it can be saved, i cant tell you.
Do you want it to be saved or do you just want out now?
i think you are correct in saying she never wants the kids to leave ect,my view is she allows the kids to treat her as a doormat which i feel is not on.
sometimes the kids even phone her via mobile in order she can take a drink/food to their bedroom even though they are in the same house!!!
my son often goes to the pub which is a 5 minute walk yet he phones his mum to collect him from the pub at 11pm or later and even if she is in her dressing gown she will still go to get him.
i believe i want to save whats left of our relationship yet at times i feel its not worth the grief.
we jointly own our property so i would be relunctant just to walk away without the property being sold and monies shared,as you know the housing market has slowed so there is little chance of selling it at the moment.
i love my kids dearly and still think i love her but feel the problems within the house are solely down to her unreasonable behaviour.
Hi PocketRocket,
Have you tried phrasing your talks more like this? Not so much "the kids are lazy and don't contribute" but more "I love you and don't like to see them take advantage of your kindness", do you see the difference?
The second way is much more gentle and less aggressive but also more honest as its not so much your kids being 'bad' that's getting to you, more your objection to how your partner reacts to their behaviour.
Its really common to feel scared or embarrassed of going to a counsellor but it isn't admitting defeat and neither is it definitely the end. A counsellor doesn't give advice, doesn't accuse or take sides. Its a safe, neutral environment with someone to simply listen to you.
Either way, to be more positive in how you talk to your partner might well help. Rather than saying "you work too much" you could say "is there anything I can do to help because you work so hard I want to give you a rest".
Showing your feelings isn't a problem if your feelings are positive, yes its a risk if she responds badly or negatively back but its a start. Keeping showing her consideration and giving her time will pay off in the end - if only that she'll be more willing to talk to you, however that works out. After a while maybe suggest you two go somewhere on your own, a meal or even just a coffee, see what happens.
Good luck and keep posting as it does help to get things out.
Lisa