Depression..

Former Member

I don't know what to do anymore.. Seriously..

SH isnt helping as much as it used to, i feel pain inside and out every minute of every day, i start crying for no reason at least 2ce a day, i'm lonely, i live a lie, i seriously hate putting my problems on other peoples shoulders so i keep my feelings bottled up, i pretend to be happy around other people when i'm not, because i dont want them to get worried or worked up, its been like this for 2 years and im getting to the point where i dont even want to live anymore.

I have seen a counciller and i hate them, i dont like opening up, i hate showing emotion and i just cant trust them, i have serious trust issues and its hard for me even typing all this, i cant let people in. I just cant. I dont like speaking to people as i cant trust anyone now, one person, my best friend, but he is already depressed as it is and i dont want to make anything worse..

Days are just a daze to me now... I write poetry to express how im feeling, no wonders ive wrote about 10 depressing poems in about 3 days, i just go through the days, trying to make everyone happy, thats all i want, everyone else to be happy and excited and bouncy, i just dont care about myself anymore, i dont have alot of confidence and i hate going out much, i feel ugly inside and out, i cant get rid of these fucking feelings that make me feel like shit 24/7 and i just cant do this anymore... Ive come close to suicide before and i just dont want to do it, as i dont want to upset anyone. All im living for now is to make others happy.
My life has had alot of horrible and painfull memories/experiences that have made me depressed and suicidal, i have seen my friend die in front of me and i have also been there when my grandma died slowly and painfully, and she was like a 2nd mother to me, my aunty and uncle have split up and my cousins have been SH which has made me feel even worse..

So thats my life really and how im feeling... Make everyone else happy, do all the work im given, do jobs for people, help friends, pretend to be happy.. I'm just living a lie.. And i hate myself for it. :impissed:

No one has to reply i just needed to get that out, but any advice would be apriciated.

Former Member

Yeh i know
I still do SH and hav done 4 like 3 yrs but sometimes it just doesnt help
u sometimes just need that extra thing and people that dont do it dont really understand
not really
and this cumin week people r goin 2 make me tell my mum and i really aint lookin forward 2 it
i get exactly where u r
and the only think i find makes it betta is just lettin it pass and being left alone always helps me
it could help 2 talk 2 sumone who would understand

Former Member

If you could pm me maybe we could have a chat? Would be nice to talk to someone who gives a shit/understands.

I hate being alone, and im usually alone in the house, it just feels like no one cares, and i just cry.. for hours, its horrible.
I dreaded having my mum find out, she wouldent leave me alone and she just doesnt understand, at all.

Former Member

Sounds like your going through hell, id love to say i know how your feeling but i dont.

Maybe see a psychologist or somebody who can help with depression i dont know im only 16 so im not big on the info.
If you ever wanna talk or let stuff out im up for a chat though

Do things you enjoy doing to pass the time; ive recently went through a breakup so i play games to get my mind off it and time heals everything trust me

Theres a light at the end of every tunnel.

EDIT: sorry didnt see the hate going to a counciller part, opening up is hard for me too btw i always bottle things up. but its good to let it out sometimes you feel happier within.

Former Member

Hi there :wave:

It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment, there's some good advice on here for you already but if you want something to read through, have a look at our articles on depression and self harm.

You say you had a councillor but that didn't really help - perhaps try a different one, your doctor could help you access this support if you are able to speak to them. It's difficult to open up but hopefully if you find the right person to talk to, it might make a difference, there are people out there that want to, and really can, help.

It's great that you're using writing as a way to get your feelings out, this sounds a good way to spend some time doing something for you, rather than, as you say, doing things for everyone else all the time. I'm sure your friends would agree that you are important too!

You're doing really well to keep it together, keep posting and let us know how things go. :thumb:

Former Member

OMFG andy i aint readin all that.