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I want marriage & kids; he doesn't
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey everyone. Have never needed other experiences on a topic and opinions as I do now. I've been with my boyfriend foe about 2 years. I've just found out he lied about wanting marriage and kids one day down the line. I'm extremely upset, he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with however they are so important to my future.
Amidst an ackward almost breakup chat he thinks we should call it a day, I would agree but it's too painful.
I don't know what to do. I'll add
More detail as the post grows, I just needed to get it out.
Amidst an ackward almost breakup chat he thinks we should call it a day, I would agree but it's too painful.
I don't know what to do. I'll add
More detail as the post grows, I just needed to get it out.
0
Comments
If its not for the case that he wants completely different things to you, then do it for the fact he lied about something thats so important to you.
If marriage and children mean so much to you I don't think you can be truly happy with this man, not 100%. I think eventually the issue will affect you so much that the relationship will suffer and come to an end anyway. Maybe it's best to not prolong the pain and walk away now.
I really do feel for you and I hope you make the best possible decision in the circumstances.
Well it's out now, we can't seem to reach a decision. Sure it's be a lot easier in the long run to walk away but we love each other so, so much it's impossible. Especially as were a great couple in every other respect.
I know now that the cards are in the table, it's up to me to stay or go. I just know the hurt from this breakup would be like nothing I've experienced before. I honestly feel he's my best friend, lover, confidant and soulmate all rolled into one.
Sad times.
I thought about compromise, but it's impossible in this situation and one would resent the other for whatever he agreed on.
I'm normally quite a smart lass! Gah!
If those things are a must have for you have to leave him. I can just imagine how hard doing something like that must be, but it has to be done, sooner then later. So you can move on and find someone who wants these things with you.
I think youre being really mature about it. With such a divide on what you both want in your future, one of you would just end up resenting the other. Getting to old age and never having had children and regretting it, that just be an unbelievably awful feeling.
Likewise, having children when you dont really want them - thats likely to put too much pressure on a relationship anyway.
Maybe you can stay friends?
I think if someone asks you about marriage and kids you foreclose the opinion of the one you ask. Just like 2 people who had a fling, and she wants more and he not and she asks him what he thinks about a relationship and he says, "nah, i'm not ready for that.", then the girl won't say, "omg, so sad, I crave so much for you." no, she will say something like, "hmm, yea, you are right, I think that's the best solution."
He was hoping his thoughts about marriage and kids will change over the time (you can't force yourself to want something). He wants this relationship and he wants it to be happy. If he said, "No" to marriage and kids back then, would you be together now?
He's not ready yet, but he probably wishes he is.
Walking away from the perfect partner, because he is not ready for a life long commitment after 2 years of relationship sounds silly to me. And even if you say, "hey you silly, I'm not talking about marriage and kids just yet, but in 5 years or so.", that's not making it easier. No may become a maybe, but not a yes. Do you know what you want in five years?
So make up your mind. Either have this beautiful relationship going on and have more patience, or walk away and bite your arse, because you left your bf in the best of times and you might never find anyone who compares to him.
The reason as you touched upon why he would feel pressure when I broach the subject is correct- who wants their partner of a few months (the reason it's only really all coming out now, at the 2 year mark) talking about "the future"- it would freak anyone out! But he's not any other boyfriend I've ever had, we've always been honest with each other and the fact he wasn't has upset me.
We've agreed for the moment to "see how things pan out" which might be foolish but walking away when everything else is great just seems like such a waste.
I don't know.
but i think if he was the perfect partner, he would be more open to it at least.
Hes making it quite clear.
He doesnt sound like a badperson, he sounds very honest and thats a good quality, but having children is a huuuuuge thing.
Someone could be practically perfect in every way but never want children and it kind of negates pretty much everything. its not a small thing. Its a whole way of life. Its fulfilling your most basic of biological urges, procreating.
Hes not wrong for not wanting that, but its sensible and mature to rethink whether someone who wants opposite things to you in life, will be "the one" for you.
Theres always a reason why somebody does/doesnt want something ALWAYS.
No, I disagree. Sometimes you just simply don't want something - that paternal/maternal urge just isn't there with some people.
Then again, good relationships don't come around all too often, do you think it's a decision you have to make now? It might force you to see your partner in a different light which may also steer how your relationship pans out. I think if you were approaching you mid 30s then I'd definitely say if you can't compromise, then it's time to call it a day, but you do really have a lot of time right now if you see what I mean?
I am now married. Me and my husband first got together nearly 7 years ago, when I was 19 and he was 24. Right from being a small child, I have said that I will get married and have children, and I've not really kept that quiet, as it was never a maybe, I've always been very clear about what I want out of life.
About 6 months or so after getting together, we had the conversation about where we expected our lives to go. I stressed again how important it was to me that I would have children, and he said that he had never wanted them and couldn't really see himself with them. We split up, as as much as I loved him, that wasn't a compromise I was willing to make. Because I was quite young, and not really yet at the stage where I was thinking about kids, we stayed very close and probably acted a lot like we were still together... in my mind it was fine to have a little bit of fun with him while I stayed on the lookout for someone else who wanted the same things as me.
This went on until about 3 years ago, when I realised that I needed to get out of the semi-relationship we'd got into if I was going to find someone else, and we split up properly.
We were apart for about a year. He realised in that time that even though he would be quite happy to have a life without kids, he would rather have me in his life and have children as well, so we got back together and got married last year. We (both!) hope to start thinking about kids this year.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that some men don't feel in the least bit paternal until they meet someone they want to have that experience with, and others don't feel it until they actually have children. I don't think the desire in men and women to have children is the same, both from the initial desire, to the reasons why each want to be parents.
If I was you, I would spilt up with him. You may both be very lucky, like me and my husband and gravitate back towards each other, or you might go your seperate ways and find a life even better without each other.
I would also say that he is still quite young, and 25 year old men are now surprisingly late developers in the marriage/paternal sort of feelings, which I think tends to hit women a lot sooner. I think it was facing 30 that made my husband realise he wasn't a party machine anymore and that he would quite like his priorities to change.
You know - it's quite funny as this is exactly what happened to me. Turning 30 next year, and I've jacked in my (very) wayward ways and am now settled a with a lovely lass.
I'm in the exact situation. Except my boyfriend just realized he never wants to get married or have kids. Our relationship is great and I love him so much. We've been together almost two years and he always said it was something that he wanted but recently he realized that he doesn't. I feel like when you truly love someone you wouldn't put such limitations on their lives. I really want to get married and be a mommy one day and the saddest part is I wanted him to be the one that was with. I'm torn!
Im in the same predicament as halloween. Been together for 3 years and have bought a house together. Im 27 and he is 29. I have a really big family, all my brothers and sisters have children and I really can't imagine my life in 20 years time with out my own family. children have been mentioned in the past, and we even jokingly picked out names!! We love eachother dearly and I thought we were on the same wave length but within the past year or so he kept making little comments that were like alarm bells to me. I eventually asked him where he thought we were going and told him that in my early thirties I wanted to have a family - with him. He has said that he could see us married in the future, but that he doesn't want kids and is unlikely to compromise. I am absolutly gutted and I feed betrayed. Buying a house together is a big commitment, and Knowing my feelings about children and marrige, he should have been clear about what he wanted from our relationship before we got into massive debt (esp with the housing market crisis! we are in negative equity and selling the house would be impossible) He admitted himself that he is quite selfish and that he wouldn't have anytime for children, he says that so many people are bad parents and that he is choosing not to be one of them. An additional thing is that his sister died during childbirth when he was a teenager, and im pretty sure that this must have had a major impact on his opinion, but he disagrees. My gut instict is that i deserve to be with someone who has the same aspirations as me, and that I should leave. But my heart tells me that he is wonderful in so many other ways and that we may be able to work through this. I will probably 'see how things pan out' over the next year. But ultimately if nothing has changed by then I think its best for both of us that i walk away. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks x
Ive always known i wanted at least one child. As it is I now have three.
If id have settled down with someone who had made me feel there was a commitment and building a family in the future and then they told me later they didnt. I would feel conned. Its such a basic thing.
I guess you need to work out how you would feel if you got to your menopause and old age and had never had a child. Would you be able to forgive your partner for denying you the chance to be a mother?
Have you asked him if it's him having his own children which is making him not want children? If he doesn't mind adoption, why not try that? To be fair, I can see his point on both fronts. Perhaps he doesn't want to go through all the baby years, you could always adopt a child of around 10 years if he doesn't mind that.
In this situation, there appears to be only one amicable solution - the exit.
I am also in this situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years. We just had the "what we want in the future" conversation and when I asked him if he sees me in his future he said, "I dont know." I'm not asking the guy to marry me, just if our relationship is heading anywhere. we are both 29 years ols and I want to be in a relationship that is going somewhere. On the Marriage issuse his response is, "why do people have to get married?" and he also says that hes afraid to have children and doesent know if he wants them because paranoid schizophrenia runs in his family and hes afraid that he will pass it on to his children (even though he has no symptoms thus far - thank goodness). That is a very understandable concern as it is a concern for me also, but i do want children and marriage. I love him very much and i do see him as someone I could share my life with, but if we arent headed in the same direction I'm not sure if we should be together. I just dont know what to do.