How do you keep on doing what's right?

Former Member

Bear with me here since once I start typing I may not stop.

I've been with my boyfriend (who I live with) for just over two and a half years. We get on almost as well as we did when we first met (the odd fight isn't anything out of the ordinary), share our hobbies and interests and generally are really happy. I do love him and this is the first time I've had this sort of stability in my life.

Before we go any further let me just point out I am not considering cheating on my boyfriend, nor do I want to leave him. There is however a problem.

6 years ago I was lucky enough to experience the type of love that you normally only see on TV. I was head over heels from the first time I met him and by all accounts he felt the same. Unfortunately we were both in relationships at the time and lived quite far away from each other, so things didn't get off the ground until a bit later. When they did, they did it in style.

We broke up a few months before I met my current boyfriend. It was nobody's fault, and our feelings hadn't changed, but there were certain problems outside our control and the thing had to be ended for the sanity of us both. We stayed friends, until I met the new guy and it got to be obvious that my feelings for my ex would get in the way. Unfortunately our attempts to not see each other failed miserably, since we share friends and interests and live close by.

I know he still feels the same as always, and I most certainly do. As I said above I've no intention of cheating on my boyfriend but I can't deny that I often find myself fantasizing about my ex and even seeing him briefly in person gives me butterflies for a week. It's hard to describe, you know that feeling in the very early stages of a new relationship where being apart is like a physical pain? It's still like that for both of us 6 years on.

I'm not even sure what I hope to achieve with this post. Leaving my boyfriend for my ex would probably just put us back in the same situation we were when we broke up, and I'd regret losing what I have now. I'm just hoping someone has had a vaguely similar experience, I need to know that it's possible to love someone other than your partner and not have that ruin everything you have together.

"I do love you, but I love <bloke> like something out of a film" probably wouldn't go down too well

I've just previewed this post, and all I can think is that I need to somehow get across just how strong the attraction is between me and my ex. It wasn't a crush, and it wasn't something that petered out over time, we were just perfect and I'm not usually given to romantic nonsense so that's quite a statement for me to make!

I know there's nothing anyone can say or do that will suddenly make this all go away and let me forget about him, someone really needs to invent that.

*sigh*

Former Member

Wow thats a mouthful. Stay with your boyfriend, you have a good thing going. I myself would love to be in healthy relationship with someone special. As you have said if you left your bf and went back to the other things probably wouldn't work out anyways.

I've never been in love with two different people before, but I suppose its possible. Fantacizing about someone else isn't wrong I think, maybe that person just had a huge impact on you and now your finding it hard to let go. More so since you end up seeing each other alot.

Don't really know what else to say, perhaps bad timing for the two of you. Maybe someone else on here can contribute something more useful.

Btw, good luck, im sure everything will work out for the best and welcome to the forum. I had a problem recently, still ongoing, lots of helpful people on here, someone will be able to help, im sure. Im up over 30 posts now and came here just for a few words of advice, addicted to forums I think. LOL.

Former Member

You don't tell us why exactly you had to split up, or why you have to remain apart. I'm honestly not sure staying with your boyfriend is for the best. If he's really second best, which is what it sounds like, then maybe you and him are not meant to be. So there are two options...

Option 1 - leave your current boyfriend and try and resurrect your relationship with this other guy. Of course, it'll feel cruel on your boyfriend but it may well be for the best. Of course, the gamble here is if you're ex would be interested and if you could make it work. For whatever reason, you seem to suggest that it's nigh on impossible for you to be together, despite the fact that your lives seem to be intwined some way anyway, with living in the same neighbourhood and having a lot of common friends. But if there's mutual commitment and desire to work something out, it can usually be done.

Option 2 - stay with your existing boyfriend and try and forget about this other guy. The thing is, you see a lot of your ex and if you choose this route, you may want to try and see less of him, if not see him at all, at least for a while. But you're going to have to be sure that you love your boyfriend enough to want this. If you're making do just because he's a safe bet, then your long term happiness is in jeopardy. On the other hand, it may be that you love your current boyfriend more, it's just the good memories and rose-tinted spectacles looking on the past that make you desire your ex. This is what you have to work out.

Former Member

I do think it depends on how and why you broke up with your ex. The only similar experience I have had was very much a case of "unfinished business" - my ex (who i hadn't even been with for very long and who *takes a deep breath* probably wasn't all that into me anyway) could still get me in a heartbeat. All through my next relationship I would have gone back to him in a second, and it's not like I didn't really like my boyfriend. At the time I put it down to remaining strong feelings for him, but now I see it more like, because we broke up so suddenly and because of reasons outside our control, I felt like that relationship didn't come to any conclusion. I didn't get - I hate this word! - closure, and that's why he stayed in my head so powerfully and so long.

It's only really now, in my 3rd relationship since then, that I can see him around town and think "oh, there goes x" instead of having the urge to go and declare my undieing love for him. During my last relationship there was no chance of me going back to him, but seeing him could still make me dizzy.

So.... I guess I have kinda felt a little bit of what you're feeling right now, and if you see your ex around a lot I can imagine how hard that must be. If I were you (and if you are REALLY sure that you love your boyfriend) then I would try to distance yourself from your ex and give your current relationship a go. After all, you don't want to ruin your current relationship only to discover that 6 months down the line the feelings you have for your ex are gone and you really really miss your boyfriend. However, if you're still having the same feelings given a little time and space, I think it's only fair that you end your current relationship. I don't know about you, but it would drive me mad to be in a relationship where I was second best. Be really really cautious about going back to your ex though - it may turn out best to spend some time on your own, step back from the situation and see what happens. It's such a cliche but what's meant to be will be.

What a horrible horrible situation for you to be in. Hope it all comes out ok for you