Very sad

Former Member

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the site, I have something I need to talk about, which I can't tell anyone I know about at the moment.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, and although I do still love him and always will, I'm coming to realise I am no longer IN LOVE with him. This has probably happened gradually over the past year or so, and its only now that I've actually had the strength to admit this fact to myself. I just can't see myself marrying him, and I feel as if I want to be free to do my own thing now while I'm still young. The problem is now that I have finally admitted I feel this way, it means I have no choice but to actually break up with him. I am so terrified about doing this because of the hurt I am going to cause him. I know that he doesn't feel the same way as me at all, and that he sees us being together forever and getting married etc etc. We have shared so much and have such a close bond I absolutely cannot bare the thought of shattering his dreams and hurting him. The thought of actually coming out with the words that I don't want to be with him makes me feel physically sick and like I'm betraying him to even think about it. But I know ultimately its the right thing to do. The other thing is I am going to have to wait at least a couple of months in order to do it, the reason is we're going on holiday next week for 2 weeks, and then after that the contract on our flat doesn't run out until March. Neither of us can afford to lose the deposit or pay rent on this place separately. I don't mind staying with him until then, because I don't want to have to lose him at the same time as knowing its the right thing. Its just I feel as if I'm being dishonest in staying with him for those couple of months extra even tho I'm pretty sure I want to end it.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through something similar, and how they coped with it, etc? I just feel so guilty and horrible.

Thanks, Kaz

Former Member

I can understand why you're waiting it out but it still feels cruel to me. You are delaying he's life in order to make yours easier. Poor fucker doesn't know what coming and your still all smiles and shagging him? Sooner you let him know the better imo.

Yes, you will break your bfs heart and fuck up he's world. But he will get over you I promise. I myself am suffering a broken heart from my first love, the bitch!:yeees: But I don't hate her, she had her reasons for doing it and in the end she may well have done me a favour. (she was 7 years older than me!) In time you're ex will understand that providing you tell him your reasons and don't let him sway you, keep to your guns.

Please for the love of god do not string the poor fella along, do not get back with him once you've done it, you'll only dump him 3 months later imo.

Sometimes when you birds end it you don't realise how lonely and sad single life can be, instead of waiting and healing and adjusting to your new life you go running back to ex. (Yes blokes do it as well!) - i had it done to me innumerable times by said ex gf, because I loved her I would take her back only to end up even more hurt later on when the bitch did it all over again. :mad:

Sucker for pain I say! :rolleyes:

Former Member

Hi Kaz,

Welcome to the boards, though i'm sorry its under such stressful circumstances.

Contrary to popular belief, being the person breaks up the relationship is no easier than being the person broken up with. Its an incredibly sad and difficult situation and the thought of causing someone you once loved pain is horrible.

At the same time, delaying things, however convienient it might be will be a very hard thing to do. There will be many times where you might have to gloss over your feelings, pretend to feel fine when you know you're waiting for the 'right time' to break up.

If you can do this and you feel its for the best then go for it, but I wanted to point out that this option is by no means an easy one and for you to go into it with your eyes open. We can't judge your situation, only you know how you feel and whats best for you.

Sadly there won't really be a 'best time' to break up. Its going to cause pain whenever you do it. But in the long run if you know you have fallen out of love it will be for the best. You can both move on given some time and hopefully find people better suited to each other.

Do you have any close friends? People you can trust who you know won't tell either him or his friends how you're feeling? Or are you close with your parents? I would find someone you trust and speak to them about it, get their perspective and just generally talk it all through - it will help! If not, please keep posting on here and i'm sure the guys on here will try to help.

5 years is a long time to be with someone and the process of ending things can take some time. You have to also allow yourself some breathing space to feel how you feel.

Best of luck with everything, let us know how you're getting on.

Lisa

Former Member

Hello, I know its been a while since I first posted but I thought I would update on the situation. I still feel the same way about wanting to end it, I allowed myself the time of the holiday to think about how I feel to make sure I am convinced that I want to end it.
I know that it is unrealistic to wait any longer, and I am going to have to do it. The whole thing fills me with anxiety and dread. I am so worried about how I am going to explain it to him, as I know the reasons are going to hurt so much. It feels so wrong even though I know it is right. I know I just have to do it. I feel really really down :no:
I am really worried about what is going to happen as well, we share a 1-bed flat. He has not been getting very much work the moment and has no money to get another place. I have been supporting him for a while, paying most of the household expenses, he contributing when he can (one of the problems that has lead up to this...) and I worry how he will get by on his own. I am going to really struggle financially to pay all the bills and stuff on my own too. I am really worried about all of this, and feel I am dropping him in the shit. We also share a car (well, I bought it, he supposedly paying half the payments every month but not being able to as yet). He needs the car for his work (I use public transport). The car is mine as the loan is in my name and i have been making all the payments so far. But he will not be able to function without it. I am worried about this as I can't just give him the car, but he needs it to work.
Any advice?

Former Member

Sorry to hear about your situation. Alot of people are saying to end it quickly rather than later. Don't know if I agree with that or not. You all probably think this is wrong but if it was me I would go on that two week holiday and tuff it out till the lease is up, then say what was on my mind and go our separate ways. Just so they don't lose the deposit.

About the car situation. Your paying the payments on it right now and the car is under your name. Its your car. I can imagine how bad you feel about that. Eventually he will be okay. Maybe he quits that job and finds a closer one. Try not to feel to guilty for about what your going to do. He will survive. Hope this helps and good luck to you both.

**helen**

Ineedhelp71 wrote: »

About the car situation. Your paying the payments on it right now and the car is under your name. Its your car. I can imagine how bad you feel about that. Eventually he will be okay. Maybe he quits that job and finds a closer one. Try not to feel to guilty for about what your going to do. He will survive. Hope this helps and good luck to you both.

:yes: Try not to worry too much about the practical situation as although your boyfriend has relied on you (and you on him to an extent) there are always alternative practical solutions and you sound like a resourceful person who will be able to adapt - as will he. It sounds like you've thought long and hard about the bigger picture and your future, so it will be important to try and keep that in mind throughout this difficult time. Most importantly - be kind to yourself and remember TheSite is always here for you.