Problems moving away, leaving people behind and confusing relationship

Former Member

Hi guys, I'll try and keep this short!

I started seeing a girl a couple of months ago. I was fairly recently (few months) out of a relationship so wasn't particularly looking for anything, but she just kind of came out of nowhere and suprised me. I was unsure at first and said this to her, but we ended up getting a bit more serious and then hung out a lot for the next two months, it was sexual but not just casual, we got on really well. But not officially a relationship.

I was going to be moving far away in October, and have had a few long distance relationships that didn't work out. So from the start I said to her whatever happened, I didn't want a long distance relationship. This was coupled with the fact I hadn't been single very long, all my past relationships were one after the other, and I wanted a chance to find myself again. When I left we basically said we weren't sure how it would be when I saw her again, either it would be casual or just friends.

So fast forward a bit, I've moved away and started a new life elsewhere. I've travelled home on the train (about 3 hours) most weekends to go out clubbing, and as this girl is in my group of friends, I've been spending most of the time with her. Each week it got more serious, to the point where it was clear all she wanted was to be with me, but I really wasn't sure. I did like her shitloads. We were texting each other every day, and as she's said we were pretty much doing everything you'd do in a relationship, but without the name.

Now she's told me exactly how she feels - she wants to be with me, but because she likes me so much, she'd probably still sleep with me if she sees me. She's been upset every time I left, and it got to the point where I realised it had to change. I know it was clear from the start how I felt, but we got a lot closer and she was hoping I'd change my mind.

I have considered it a lot, and if I just went by my feelings I'd be with her. But based on past experiences I don't think it would work, maybe to start with but not after a year or so. I'm also very worried about jumping straight into a relationship, because as I said I'm not sure if I really know myself any more. On the one hand I really really like her, but on the other I don't think I can give her what she wants.

We decided that stuff should stop happening when I go home, as it's just making it more difficult. I thought we could still talk etc but she's decided she doesn't want to be in contact with me at all any more, as it's too difficult. I really wasn't expecting that, and I'm completely lost now. We've gone from talking all the time to not at all. I miss her so much and feel like I have no purpose.

The problem is I just don't know exactly what I want. We do get on so well, have loads in common, and all our friends say we're great together. But then there are these other issues that I'm really worried about, and think they'd become more of an issue further down the line. She says if I really liked her, I would just go for it. Is it really that simple? Am I being way too cynical or is it better that I go with my head and not my heart?

Apologies for the length of this, many thanks if you take the time to reply.

Bunnie

From personal experience, LDRs do work, but only if you have the intention that this wont be the case forever.

Dont write them off.

However, the feeling I get from your post is that you are not that 'into her' if you know what I mean. If you were, you wouldnt be wanting to find yourself, as you would be happy you have found her.

I can understand why she wants to stop all contact as she is hurting. Things might have changed by the time you go home next and see her when you are out with your friends.

This might sound harsh, but you probably miss the contact with back home rather than her. Like I say, from your post it doesnt sound to me like you have particularly strong feelings for this girl.

Just leave it be is my advice.

Former Member

:yes: I have to agree. She is obviously very into you, and it's not really fair to expect her to still be there for you as a close friend when she wants more than that from you. Obviously you will miss her being around, but she needs time and distance to get over her feelings for you - having lots of contact with you will just keep her hopes up of something more coming from it, even if she knows deep down that's not what you want.

As hard as it is, respect her wishes for space. If it's meant to be, it will be - my current boyfriend and I got together in not-dissimilar circumstances first time around - as in we were supposed to be just seeing each other casually as he'd just come out of a long-term relationship but I ended up falling for him. He "broke up" with me for very similar reasons to you, and although it hurt me, with hindsight I can see that he did the right thing because he wasn't as into me as I was into him and it wasn't fair to just go with it with half-hearted feelings. Five-odd years later and we're living together I'm not saying this will be the outcome for you, just that people do get over things like this and one way or another the pain will fade. You've just got to listen to what your instinct is telling you. She will be OK, you've just got to let her have time away from you to get over it and move on.

Former Member

plaster my friend plaster, you need ti rip it off and take the pain all at once, that is what she is doing.
I think though you should start to make new friends where you are, why do you go back every weekend?

would she be willing to leave and come and live with you where you are? would you even want that.

I dont think they do work, I have had this 2 times in my life, the first one was my fiancee, she went to uni in leeds, I was in norfolk, we managed it for about 6 months, but eventually the calls slow down, the emails stop. and suddenly you stop making the effort to see each other, it fizzles out.

the second one was a lot more painful, that was with my first wife, I got a job in essex, and was put up in a hotel each week, and to cut a long story short, she left me at xmas, when I got back she said that I had changed and I was use to hotel living, and did not appreciate her as a person!!!

you sould like you dont struggle to find a g/f, unlike most of us so I would not worry, let this one go.

Former Member

I agree with Bunnie, you shouldn't write it off just because LDRs get so much bad press. Just like any other relationship, though, it does take two to tango.
I know people from LDRs who have been hurt, but I also know people from LDRs who are now married or engaged! You need to both really really want to be together to pull it off. So you need to consider whether it's something you really want to do or whether it's something that you know you couldn't massively commit to. Sure, you want to think about her feelings but yours count too!