i feel scared and scarred

Former Member

my last relationship was pretty rough. Its was abusive and fucked me up for quite a long time....i thought i'd got over it...and then a couple of months back i had a one night stand that wasn't meant to be a one night stand with a male friend who after declaring his love for me, told me 2 days later that he'd got back with his ex....this really shook me up and since then, apart from a bit of flirting, i've been really quite scared to do anything relationships wise...

And over the past couple of weeks, theres been a guy on my course who i thought was flirting with me, so i've been flirtatious back. But i asked a friend and she said that he was flirty with everyone and not just me.

I discussed this with my mum earlier as i was in a foul mood when she came over, and i said that this was part of it (as well as being tired, and hungry and a bit annoyed that i really tried hard and only got a 2:1 for my performance), and she said to play it cool, and if he is interested let him do the chasing...

and this is where i have the problem...

I've never had what i'd call a conventional relationship where girl meets boy, they take to each other, they date, they fall in love etc... I've been in madly passionate relationships which end up being very dysfunctional, reguardless of if thats taken 4 months or 2 years. I've only ever had one guy chase after me, and thats mainly because i thought he was stalking me at first. So, really, i don't know how to do this...

I'm really scared about getting too close and scaring him off, but equaly i'm worried about being too distant and making him think that i don't like him.

And plus, i feel quite scarred from the previous relationship. I am definatly over him, and have moved on and all that lot, but i still feel vunerable about letting someone into my heart and end up with them taking all they can get from me under the radar. Or ending up telling them about it and them to then feel like i'm very fragile and whatever...

sorry for the stupid length, but any advice would be good, cos anyone that knows me even remotely knows i have a really crappy track record when it comes to matters of the heart and i wouldn't mind having a chance at something a bit more normal than i'm used to.

Former Member

just be his friend

then you're playing it cool while he gets to know you better and it'll go on from there

Former Member

I can sort of identify with your post.

I have lots of shit from the past that has caused me trouble when dealing with men. I often get kinda aggressive as well because I hate uncertainty as it makes me a little neurotic. I will try to act to eliminate that uncertainty but it tends to backfire because no matter how much guys moan they want us to, they don't really reward it when girls make the first move.
And when I talk about aggressive, I don't mean demanding and stuff like that, just suggesting we meet up or do something. To get things moving.

Then I end up spending way too long time on guys that basically aren't interested.

Wish I had some advice but I don't even know how to help myself. Good luck!

Former Member

it seems to be going quite well actually! I accidently left my rubix cube with him when i felt yesterday and he's gonna come over to drop it off after band practice...i'm still unsure if he actually likes me or if he's just being nice. he gives me hugs everytime i see him...

its quite easy playing it cool when it with someone that has a similar sense of humour...i.e. a sick one, we ended up drawing stuff in each other notebooks in a lecture...

i hope it goes somewhere, he's really lovely, and i've had so many male friends, that i've occationally messed around with, for it to go no further...

Former Member

i am so very confused...and i know my humour pushes it with people and i'm sometimes a little too graphic for people but...oh fuck knows...i over analyse everything and then i wonder why i'm so fucking confused...

Former Member

ok latest update:

today we (as in most of my class) went and got mildly pissed at lunchtime. the guy i like was there, and was talking about this band he's going to see tomorrow night and invited me along, but its in croydon so he also invited me to stay the night plus when we were just getting out equipment for band practice he gave me a kiss on the cheak....

i'm not being nieve to think that he must want to be more than friends now, am i?

Former Member

Go for it the fuck! :thumb:

Former Member

i was like a 14 year old in band practice today had major giggles and in was infectious so the whole band were giggling...

still a bit worried but we'll see how it goes

Former Member

incredibly good news...

he's just told me how he feels, and its a good 'un

just been leeping around my room and just disturbed my next door neighbour from her draping work....but i feel so fucking good!

Former Member

urrrm

i got it wrong

his mate was fucking around and said it as a joke...

i'm pretty cut up about it. but he seems to be ok...

Former Member

If the bloke's told you how he feels, why believe the mate? Have a talk with the guy before instantly believing the bad news...

Former Member

it was on messenger, he didn't even know about it, it was his mate that wrote it and was fucking about.

I don't know if it will go anywhere which is such a shame, because just being around him makes me feel great.