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Relationship issues..kinda long and complicated
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
First, let me say sorry for writing a fucking life story here, and that if you actually read it all, you have seriously have my appreciation. I don't what else to do right now (pretty much the only people I have to talk to right now are my parents, and they can't be there all the time) and this means too much to me to not do...something, you know?
So, me and this girl started seeing each other this summer, around the beginning of July.
We met at work (me a cook, her a waitress), and she was actually the one to approach me, asking if I would like to have some drinks/play pool after work (I'm 24, she's 22 btw). I did, of course, and after a couple times doing this and starting to get to know each other, she asked if I'd like to come out to her house.
Again I obviously did, and we drank and watched TV, then one thing led to another and I stayed over. We didn't have sex that night; I should come clean here and say that this was the first girl I've actually had sex with (a little experience before, but no actual sex; it's a long and depressing story, I doubt you'd be interested), but that night I was too...nervous I guess? Anyways, few days later, she came over to my house, same thing (drank, watched movies) and we did have sex.
For the next two months-ish we started spending alot of time together, and getting to know one each other. At first, I was just somewhat physically attracted to her, but as I learned more about her, I found that I was more attracted to her than any girl I've ever met. We share alot in common; similar personalities (both kinda unsocial, she said she likes to be alone alot of the time) and interests (music, video games, books, movies, etc...).
We also talked about our past lives, of course. She said she had recently broken up with an ex-boyfriend who she'd been with 'off and on' for the last 7 years( so since she was 15, and he was the first one she'd had sex with). She had lived with him in a city about 2 hours from where we are now, and has several friends there as well.
I told her this was my first relationship, but not that she was the first girl I'd had sex with, as it never really came up. She never asked, and in fact said she enjoyed sex with me more than anyone she had been with, which kind of put me off to be honest.
The topic of drugs came up, and I found that she had smoked pot and done coke and meth (her ex was a dealer she said...) to a relatively small extent, but had been clean for a while.
Now, I should mention here that I was just coming out of very rough time in my life right when we met. I had been doing alot of drugs, mostly smoking pot, but also quite a bit of coke and some other shit (oxycontin, mushrooms, X once or twice). I had been living with a 'friend' I knew back from high school, who was now a dealer. Well, he wasn't the smartest and ended up getting busted. I was with him when it happened, but I was not charged with anything, and was told he was the target of the investigation. I cooperated as much as I could, and nothing happened to me (as of yet at least). I recently learned he was sentenced to 10 years.
I have also been in a pretty deep depression for a long time, which was tied to this and feeding off of it, even after stopping all my drug use other than alcohol. I see now that my turning to drugs was a symptom of my depression, and that the only thing it did was make it worse.
Now, I told her all of this early on, and she was very understanding. Naturally, I felt very at ease with her after being able to talk about things like this, and I quickly felt more comfortable with her than anyone I'd ever met. She said she felt the same, and here I think we began to let emtional defenses down too early. I told her plainly that I was more attracted to her than anyone I'd met, and how lucky and happy I felt that I met her , she said she felt the same, told me she loved being with me, would give me a squeeze and say 'mine' when laying on the coach/bed together, and generally just giving signals that said that this was something more than just casual attraction, all of which I reciprocated.
Things were moving pretty fast now, obviously...I met her parents, she came with me to a family sea-food cookout thing, topics like children and marriage were discussed, albeit in an entirely teasing/playful way...
Then, the summer came to end, and we started going to the local community college. We have similar interests, and so ended up with several of the same classes (a journalism class, and working on the college paper).
Around the second or third week of college, things started to change for the worst. She said that her grandfather had died, and that she was really busy, but she had started to become less communicative for about a week before she told me this. This got progressively worse, to the point where she stopped talking to me and answering my calls, or answering the door when I went to her house. I had no other way to communicate with her, and so I sent an email saying that I didn't know what was wrong, but that it felt like she was forcing us to break up.
She sent a reply saying that she didn't know what to say to me, so she felt not talking was 'easier' and that she was 'feeling lost and didn't know what she was doing anymore.'
We have talked once in person since then (about 2 weeks since her reply, one week since I've seen her), and she told me for the first time that she had only been broken up with her boyfriend for a month when we met, and that some 'fucked up things' had happened with him, without elaborating. She said that for the last few years with him, she had just wanted to be single, and that she shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me so early, because she didn't 'feel like settling down, or having to worry about someone else.' She said that we should 'be friends' for now, and that she 'didn't expect me to wait for her.'
Now all of this has been like an emotional rollercoaster for me, and when we talked, I kind of 'panicked' and told her that I didn't understand, and that we should try to make it work still, or just try and slow down, or I don't even remember exactly what I said, to be honest.
My emotions are a little more in control now, although I almost immediately got depressed again, although I'm able to push it away easier now. It's hard to describe...one minute I feel fine, and have accepted everything, the next I feel like my life has a black hole in the middle of it now, that I'll never find someone I feel the same way about again, and I can't even think. As each day goes by, I feel better and accept that this is most likely over, but it's still pretty hard...I still feel the same way about her despite her shutting me out. I tried to get pissed at her, or hate her, but I can't. I feel like whatever happens, I'll look back on the time we had together as the best of my life.
And honestly, I think being apart would be good for both of us right now. I think I had begun to think of her as a solution to my depression, which is unhealthy and unfair to both of us. I think we both maybe need to learn or relearn how to be happy without depending on someone else.
Right now though, what I'm really worried about, even though it's entirely out of my control, is her. If she actually comes to class tomorrow, it will be the first time she's been there for a week. She's also been missing more than that recently, but the past week she hasn't been in at all. Another thing I'm worried about, is if she starts seeing someone else...when we were having sex, we didn't use condoms, at all. Reckless, stupid, yeah I know, it's not something I plan to do again. I just hope that she doesn't repeat the same mistake...
Shit, I think I've said enough now, and I again apologize for writing a goddamn novel. I think I just needed to get this out there, if only for my own catharsis.
I don't expect that anyone can tell me much that can really help me, but if you read this and respond, I will appreciate it more than you know.
So, me and this girl started seeing each other this summer, around the beginning of July.
We met at work (me a cook, her a waitress), and she was actually the one to approach me, asking if I would like to have some drinks/play pool after work (I'm 24, she's 22 btw). I did, of course, and after a couple times doing this and starting to get to know each other, she asked if I'd like to come out to her house.
Again I obviously did, and we drank and watched TV, then one thing led to another and I stayed over. We didn't have sex that night; I should come clean here and say that this was the first girl I've actually had sex with (a little experience before, but no actual sex; it's a long and depressing story, I doubt you'd be interested), but that night I was too...nervous I guess? Anyways, few days later, she came over to my house, same thing (drank, watched movies) and we did have sex.
For the next two months-ish we started spending alot of time together, and getting to know one each other. At first, I was just somewhat physically attracted to her, but as I learned more about her, I found that I was more attracted to her than any girl I've ever met. We share alot in common; similar personalities (both kinda unsocial, she said she likes to be alone alot of the time) and interests (music, video games, books, movies, etc...).
We also talked about our past lives, of course. She said she had recently broken up with an ex-boyfriend who she'd been with 'off and on' for the last 7 years( so since she was 15, and he was the first one she'd had sex with). She had lived with him in a city about 2 hours from where we are now, and has several friends there as well.
I told her this was my first relationship, but not that she was the first girl I'd had sex with, as it never really came up. She never asked, and in fact said she enjoyed sex with me more than anyone she had been with, which kind of put me off to be honest.
The topic of drugs came up, and I found that she had smoked pot and done coke and meth (her ex was a dealer she said...) to a relatively small extent, but had been clean for a while.
Now, I should mention here that I was just coming out of very rough time in my life right when we met. I had been doing alot of drugs, mostly smoking pot, but also quite a bit of coke and some other shit (oxycontin, mushrooms, X once or twice). I had been living with a 'friend' I knew back from high school, who was now a dealer. Well, he wasn't the smartest and ended up getting busted. I was with him when it happened, but I was not charged with anything, and was told he was the target of the investigation. I cooperated as much as I could, and nothing happened to me (as of yet at least). I recently learned he was sentenced to 10 years.
I have also been in a pretty deep depression for a long time, which was tied to this and feeding off of it, even after stopping all my drug use other than alcohol. I see now that my turning to drugs was a symptom of my depression, and that the only thing it did was make it worse.
Now, I told her all of this early on, and she was very understanding. Naturally, I felt very at ease with her after being able to talk about things like this, and I quickly felt more comfortable with her than anyone I'd ever met. She said she felt the same, and here I think we began to let emtional defenses down too early. I told her plainly that I was more attracted to her than anyone I'd met, and how lucky and happy I felt that I met her , she said she felt the same, told me she loved being with me, would give me a squeeze and say 'mine' when laying on the coach/bed together, and generally just giving signals that said that this was something more than just casual attraction, all of which I reciprocated.
Things were moving pretty fast now, obviously...I met her parents, she came with me to a family sea-food cookout thing, topics like children and marriage were discussed, albeit in an entirely teasing/playful way...
Then, the summer came to end, and we started going to the local community college. We have similar interests, and so ended up with several of the same classes (a journalism class, and working on the college paper).
Around the second or third week of college, things started to change for the worst. She said that her grandfather had died, and that she was really busy, but she had started to become less communicative for about a week before she told me this. This got progressively worse, to the point where she stopped talking to me and answering my calls, or answering the door when I went to her house. I had no other way to communicate with her, and so I sent an email saying that I didn't know what was wrong, but that it felt like she was forcing us to break up.
She sent a reply saying that she didn't know what to say to me, so she felt not talking was 'easier' and that she was 'feeling lost and didn't know what she was doing anymore.'
We have talked once in person since then (about 2 weeks since her reply, one week since I've seen her), and she told me for the first time that she had only been broken up with her boyfriend for a month when we met, and that some 'fucked up things' had happened with him, without elaborating. She said that for the last few years with him, she had just wanted to be single, and that she shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me so early, because she didn't 'feel like settling down, or having to worry about someone else.' She said that we should 'be friends' for now, and that she 'didn't expect me to wait for her.'
Now all of this has been like an emotional rollercoaster for me, and when we talked, I kind of 'panicked' and told her that I didn't understand, and that we should try to make it work still, or just try and slow down, or I don't even remember exactly what I said, to be honest.
My emotions are a little more in control now, although I almost immediately got depressed again, although I'm able to push it away easier now. It's hard to describe...one minute I feel fine, and have accepted everything, the next I feel like my life has a black hole in the middle of it now, that I'll never find someone I feel the same way about again, and I can't even think. As each day goes by, I feel better and accept that this is most likely over, but it's still pretty hard...I still feel the same way about her despite her shutting me out. I tried to get pissed at her, or hate her, but I can't. I feel like whatever happens, I'll look back on the time we had together as the best of my life.
And honestly, I think being apart would be good for both of us right now. I think I had begun to think of her as a solution to my depression, which is unhealthy and unfair to both of us. I think we both maybe need to learn or relearn how to be happy without depending on someone else.
Right now though, what I'm really worried about, even though it's entirely out of my control, is her. If she actually comes to class tomorrow, it will be the first time she's been there for a week. She's also been missing more than that recently, but the past week she hasn't been in at all. Another thing I'm worried about, is if she starts seeing someone else...when we were having sex, we didn't use condoms, at all. Reckless, stupid, yeah I know, it's not something I plan to do again. I just hope that she doesn't repeat the same mistake...
Shit, I think I've said enough now, and I again apologize for writing a goddamn novel. I think I just needed to get this out there, if only for my own catharsis.
I don't expect that anyone can tell me much that can really help me, but if you read this and respond, I will appreciate it more than you know.
0
Comments
I don't know what to say. It's strange that during reading that (which wasn't a novel by the way, so don't worry... although i llike writing a lot myself but hey, there wasn't really anyway to shorten that and doing so would have been unfair to you) there were times when both the way you described what you felt (i.e. feeling like you wanted to hate her, but really didn't and thinking that the relationship could kind of be like a cure to the depression) and the way you described some of her actions (shutting you out, feeling like she was in a relationship to early and not really wanting to settle down) reminded me of, well, me... and the sorts of things that i would do.
I empathize more than you could know... meeting someone, falling for them, exposing your feelings towards them and almost feeling like the depression inside you could be lifted or given a kick up the arse and told to Eff of for a bit, whilst you kicked back and enjoyed a little happiness. And then having that abruptly taken away from you and not knowing what to do. Feeling fine (or at least telling yourself you do) one minute, and feeling like a wreck the next. I think you both need each other... I do think she rushed into a relationship so soon after ending things with her ex though, but i'm not judging, i assure you of that. I hope she is able to talk to you and not feel as though she needs to push you away or that things are gonna become too complicated and the subject of 'settling down' is right around the corner.
I guess sometimes, when a bit of sunshine comes your way after such a long spell of darkness and rain, you just wanna soak it up and enjoy it and not have to worry about all the dark stuff... and then it comes back. I don't know what it'll take for her to speak, or come out of her isolation but as i said before, i do think she needs you and you, her. I've always retreated into myself when i'm incredibly low, telling myself that i don't need to talk, that i'm fine alone and that if i did talk i'd be seen as weak. I know there's no special words that can be said to change my outlook but i also know that there isn't someone in my life that's i've recently been with that could make me feel like i'm not alone. And if she felt about you the way you did her, then at least in that time together, she didn't feel alone.
I do hope you keep it posted about how things are going because that'll be in my mind now. It's been a while since i've lost myself in a piece of writing. I mean i read books and all, but they're usually fiction you know...
I hope she comes back to you....
don't give up...
but hey, at least you did find something you can look back on and say "Damn... I was happy"
Well, she wasn't in class this morning either, although I did ask my professor if she had contacted him, and he said she had been in the previous morning to see about delivering the college newspaper, which I had already done for her (the professor asked me to). He said that she told him she had her wisdom teeth pulled, so I guess that might explain why she hasn't been in to class this week...
I also feel like I can't give up on this yet, and I don't think I could right now even if I wanted to.
I think she might feel kind of intimidated by her emotions right now, and that she is afraid of getting into another serious relationship, for whatever reason.
I feel like trying to reach her right now will only push her away more, but at the same time that doing nothing will only cause a further drifting apart.
I mean, should I call at least occasionally and leave a message? Send an email again(at least she responded to that)? Try to talk to her brother ? (I met him early on, like first day or two, and got along well with him, although I wouldn't say we are friends, really) I'm really at a loss...
My instinct right now is to just wait, and hopefully I'll see her in class after the weekend and we'll be able to talk in person again, now that my emotions are a little more under control. I want to tell her that I think that she is probably right in that we should be apart for now, until we can both be happy without depending on someone else, but that I really want to give us another try at having a relationship, because I feel like life is too short to let the kind of attraction I feel for her to slip away.
She had said to me that she 'doesn't expect me to wait for her', and it would be foolish of me to say that I would. Life can bring things to you unexpectedly both bad and good; meeting her was proof of that to me.
Time will tell I guess...
(oh and to lil lal; yes sti's are a concern, as well as accidental pregnancy. She hadn't been on any birth control either, and we had talked about this. She comes from a kind of conservative family, and so abortion would have been out of the question. Like I said, we were being pretty reckless and foolish)
i dont know if i made much sense with my words there, but i hope you get the gist lol
Good Luck
jennah
Yeah, I think this has all been as difficult for her as as it has been for me, although for different reasons (most of which I don't understand). I do think she is the kind of person to want 'space' and to be alone with her thoughts (she has actually told me as much), and until recently, I was exactly the same.
But the experience of conquering my own depression has taught me that just talking to others is a very healing experience. I just wish I could make her see that, and how much I care about her. Trying to 'make her see' will only push her away though, of that I'm almost certain.
Telling her that I love her, (which I'm sure that I do, more so than anything I've ever felt) seems like it will only cause more confusion for her, as will telling her that she was the first girl I've had sex with.
I should mention here that lately I've been feeling that I should just move on, and try and start seeing some other girls. I can't feel anything for these other girls, though. I can find other girls at least physically attractive, but nothing beyond that. I find 99% of people's personalities just...repulsive, to be completely blunt. I feel like if I ever find someone that I feel the same way about as her, I will be very lucky. Life seems way too short to hope for that to happen though...
once she's worked things out in her head, if it's you she wants she will come back, if not the at least you'll know
maybe some 'me' time and some space would be the best for both of you in my opinion
Proof that people born on the 23rd Sep have good advice giving skills...
I pretty much agree with Welsh Jemz. Although I've been in a similar situation but not the same at all really and in that case it really was better for everyone to get a bit of space, there are a lot of similarities going on that throw up red flags - like it being your first and so pretty important and for her afterwards being all confused about things with you and her ex and her whole life in general and you don't want to be waiting in the wings really because well it's not a pleasant place to be.
Best of luck with whatever happens thou
It's all easier said than done when it comes to giving her space, though. We have three college classes together, and they are all smaller than 15-20ish people. I feel like I can't just not talk to her at all.
I guess on monday, assuming she is in class, I will just tell her that now that emotions have cooled off a little and I'm thinking more clearly, that she's right about needing some time, and that I do as well, but that when we both feel ready we should give this another try, because I really feel like life is too short to let something that has this much pontential to just slip away.
I'd like to talk to her about her ex and the 'fucked up things' that happened, but I'm not sure if I should ask about that yet. I'd also like to ask what exactly caused her to apparently just suddenly start feeling like this, but I'm not sure if I should. I'd like to get her to give me a clear answer to whether she feels like she still wants a relationship with me, but that definitely seems like it would be pushing her for too much.
Is there anything else I should or shouldn't say to her? (remember, this is all very new and confusing to me...again, all your input is very much appreciated)
It sounds to me like she needs some space as lots of things have happened in a short space of time. She's broken up with an ex who by the sounds of it wasn't a fantastic guy, she's met someone new very quickly, started college and is dealing with a death in the family. Any one of these things are difficult but add them all together and she's bound to have a lot on her mind.
I think its probably best to give her some space, let her figure out what she wants and how she feels. She's probably emotionally exhausted and needs to work out what she feels. You seem to think you could use some space too so that should work out well.
The best practical thing to do is to stay friendly, keep talking to her when you see her but don't carry the conversation on longer than feels natural, if you run out of things to say then make your excuses and go. Make it clear that if she wants to go see a movie, go grab something to eat, grab a coffee etc that you're up for that, even just a walk and talk.
If you don't see her in class then a quick phone call / dropping round isn't entirely a bad idea provided you keep it short so as to not crowd her. Essentially what this is doing is letting her know you've not gone cold on her, that you still want to talk to her, be with her but that you're respecting her space and her feelings.
If you have 3 classes with her and she comes along to them then just make sure you're friendly and availble to talk if she wants to but also give her room and space, don't chat too much, just concentrate on the class.
It might be difficult to keep away, and theres always the risk you might drift apart but its better that than hounding her into ending it anyway.
Its a really difficult and stressful situation - I really hope it all works out the way you want it to.
Keep posting on here and let us know how you are.
Lisa
I've got enough college-related stress to worry about in the coming weeks, I can't worry about the idiotic choices she's making right now. Instead of worrying when I think about all of this, I'm trying to just get pissed off. To me, it seems like the only reasonable way to stay sane, and it's much easier to channel my stress into more productive things that way too.
Tomorrow, or within the next few days, I guess I'll just leave a message on her phone saying 'Can I at least have my books back? (she still has a couple, I doubt she even remembers) Apparently you plan on never speaking to me again, even if it means dropping out of college, but maybe you will at least let me know if I can come pick them up. If not, I guess I'll just come to your house and house and hope you answer.'
I probably sound bitter now (and I guess I might be a little, to be honest with myself), but I don't know how else to react.
I mean, I'm still looking back on my time with her happily, and I wish this could have turned out differently.
But she is not allowing any other outcome, to my point of view. A few months of everything going well, then apparently waking up one morning and thinking she isn't sure anymore, and deciding she is never going to communicate with me again hardly seems like a mature or considerate way to handle things.
Whatever, I guess...have a nice life, I've got to try and move on with mine. At least I've learned alot from all this, namely to never put myself in such a position of vulnerability again.
What the hell else can I do at this point?
edit: I guess option B as far as the (final) phone message would be to ask for at least a mature, open conversation about what in the hell is going on (not coming to class, not answering calls, life, love and everything, etc), while stating that my intent is not to pressure her to get back together, then at the end mention that I'd also like my book back.
To be honest, I wouldn't even leave the phone message asking for the conversation. If I was on the receiving end of that, I would feel pressured and do whatever I could to avoid this "mature, open conversation". I would just send her a brief text saying, "hey, hope you're ok - just to remind you you've still got a couple of my books, feel free to drop them round or let me know when's good to collect them". Leave it at that. I've learnt from long years of experience the only way to make someone realise what they've lost is by giving them the chance to miss you - and the only way to do that is to keep well clear of them, no matter how much you might want to see/speak to them.