Uni - Difficult Decision

Former Member

Hi All,

First post here but need a little advice.

My girlfriend has recently gone to university which is quite a distance from where I live (about 3 hours drive). It’s her first year so obviously it’s a big change for her. We had a talk the other night and she decided it wasn’t going to work out because she couldn’t trust herself when she was out, although earlier in the day everything seemed fine. I said for her to sleep on it and let me know the next morning that it was definitely what she wanted to do. Later that night we spoke again and she had changed her mind and said that she definitely wanted to carry on seeing me, I agreed but then asked her if she had been with anybody since she’d been there. She told me had while she was drunk (just kissed) and that she regretted it.

I then said that I think we should go our separate ways however I’m now thinking that I might have jumped the gun a little bit. Do you think that I made the correct decision or should I put it down as a lesson learnt for her and try to give things a go?

Any advice welcome…..

Thanks

Former Member

From what I read both of you seem very unsure whether you want to try to continue together exclusively or not. She has also demonstrated that her statement about not trusting herself when out is true, as she made out with someone else before you had actually split up.

So, I don't think it seems that you've just jumped on a decision. Long distance relationships can be extremely difficult, and I don't think it is for everyone. One of the most important things in those relationships are trust, commitment and the will to try to get closer to each other in the future, and from what I'm reading it seems that the two of you lack both trust and commitment, at least for an exclusive LDR.

Of course, there's also an option to be non-exclusive allowing each other to see other people and assess you relationship along. But personally, I can't see how such a solution will improve the chances for any relationship.

Former Member

Hey Orion :wave:

Welcome to the boards. It sounds like you're having trouble making a decision about your relationship. It's only natural when one of you goes away to uni, especially if it's far away, the question of staying together arises.

It seems like you don't want to lose each other but in reality your lives are changing and moving in different directions. As T-Kay says, long distance relationships are not for everyone and it depends on what stage your relationship is at.

All you can really do is go with your instincts but be honest with yourself about whatever that may be. If you want to give it another go then do but make sure you can really trust one another again and put any past mistakes behind you.

Being apart from one another means putting more effort in to your relationship, if you are both prepared to do that and to make the committment then there's no reason why it couldn't work.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Former Member

hard to say, but objectively seen, if someone says "I don't know if I can trust myself.", I guess it's already looking for excuses and trying to weasel herself out of the responsibility a relationship brings.

Former Member

Ive seen many a relationship fail or end because of one or both partners going off to uni.

Former Member

It's really hard. I was the girl in this situation: I was crazy about my bf, I really really loved him and had the situation been different things would have worked out differently. But I went away to Uni (literally only 1 1/2hr away, the physical difference doesn't matter) and within a fortnight I knew it wasn't going to work. It wasn't that I loved him any less, and it wasn't that I knew I COULDN'T do it if I really committed, but there was a whole new life to be led and he could never be a part of that. Even more, I could never really throw myself into the experience 100% if I was always waiting for his next visit, always looking back home for him. So we split up. It's incredibly tough from this side as well, because in a way it wasn't my feelings for him that had changed, but my life had changed around them. It's certainly not a decision which should be taken lightly on either side.

On the other hand though, my best friend from school got together with her boyfriend just after I did with mine, and they're still together after 3 years (inc one at seperate Unis), so it can be done. You guys need to talk about it, yes, but also to go with your gut instinct. I knew very fast I couldn't do it, she evidently can and is very happy. Best of luck

And finally, her excuse sounds a little bit to me like she's confused but has found the easiest explanation for all the feelings she wants to deny. Not that she's lieing to you - just in my experience it's easiest to put a label on stuff that's easy for everyone to understand even if it's not that accurate.

Former Member

From your post it just seems like she's not really committed. She would rather go off with randoms at uni. But then she's not sure, because she likes the security of being in a loving relationship when you *know* they're going to be there. But then she's out and she's drunk again and you're 3 hours away and 3 million miles away in her mind and she's just looking to have fun whilst she's young spurred on by all her friends doing the same.

Former Member

There's no harm in trying to make it work for a while. You'll know if it works or not. Mine lasted the first year of uni, which was great. But is also great now being single at uni.

Former Member

MrG wrote: »

Ive seen many a relationship fail or end because of one or both partners going off to uni.

Yet whenever I dare to point this out, I usually get crucified for it. Strange that.

Former Member

stargalaxy wrote: »

Yet whenever I dare to point this out, I usually get crucified for it. Strange that.

Maybe because you didnt go to uni? I dont know.

But i've seen people also plenty better off with their lives for not going to uni too.

Former Member

I was in a long distance relationship at uni. It's really hard, and to make it work, you both need to be really committed. I always felt I was more committed than my other half- a couple times he broke up with me, then got back together with me... and I had to reassure him a few times that we should stay together. We broke up in my 3rd year. I don't regret staying with him, but I think if she's already having commitment issues then it will be really hard for you guys to keep your relationship strong and stable.