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I think I just want a hug

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I was sexually harassed when I was a teenager by a man I trusted and thought was looking out for me. Nothing physically happened but the majority of it happened when I worked for him the summer before I turned 16. He kept telling me completely inappropriate stuff and inbetween kept associating it with my upcoming 16 year old birthday. I've never been as scared in my life as the weeks leading to my birthday. I've never really enjoyed my birthdays since then or particularly wanted to celebrate the occasion.

I've fought so hard to not allow him to ruin my life. Through all that struggling I consider myself to have reached a good place in my life and even scored myself a demanding job that required an interview with a psychologist. I enjoy spending time with my friends, I like my family and am doing things I enjoy.

However, I saw the bastard on prime time TV recently in a show where they talked about him almost like he was the second jesus. I felt so sick. It really upset me at the time and I almost wrote a post here then. I didn't because I felt it was stupid. And now I'm writing it again.

I'm so conflicted about it, on one hand I feel like I have trust issues that I can't conquer myself and on the other hand I feel that because I enjoy my life most of the time it's stupid to get dramatic the odd moments this happens. I also feel that I must be strong enough to do it on my own. Yet I just want to be able to be weak sometimes but that's when it gets difficult. I'm never relaxed around people, I have to mechanically force myself to 'chill' unless I know the people I'm around well. I'm known as being silent and calm, but among my close friends I'm the opposite. Being around people is never easy for me, I'm always tense and never miss out on anything they say or do because I'm always on guard. I find it much easier to be on my own, do stuff alone, depend on myself alone.

I've found out about a charity that deals with sexual abuse and I've wondered if to contact them for an interview but I'm hesitating because I don't want to muddle the waters and bring back old memories in case it just makes things worse. I'm also terrified of not being in control and talking about my feelings is one avenue where I never feel in control. I also worry they'll tell me I'm just wasting their time. :crying:

I've written all this and I'm wanting to delete it again. I kinda feel like admitting he still gets to me is like confessing he's 'won'. I just don't know what to do. :no:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*

    Does anyone know about this? You wouldn't be wasting their time - that's what those people are there for.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *** Big Hugs ***

    I don't really know what else to say but sounds like you also need a well done for the way you've dealt with things so far.

    If it's still playing on your mind maybe giving these people a call would help because it sounds like it's not actually out of your mind.

    xxx
  • littlemissylittlemissy knit chick Posts: 9,972
    Oh, love. What a shitty situation.

    Just keep reminding yourself of all that you have managed to achieve, including your fab job and getting through the difficult times that he made for you. That is something that you should be proud of. Other than that, you have to try and forget the TV show, otherwise you will end up back where you started and you don't deserve that.

    *hugest hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Hugs tightly*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    condolences.

    who is that guy, because you said he was on television?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    condolences.

    who is that guy, because you said he was on television?

    I think that's something Jaloux would be better off leaving for a conversation in a confidential one-to-one situation or if it was ever necessary, speaking to someone with the authority to deal with what happened.

    Discussing someone's name here would simply open up this website to libel issues and drag Jaloux into it - which I very doubt would be helpful right now.

    Remember that in the UK we as the publishers have to prove what someone is saying - the person it's said about doesn't have to prove they didn't do something.

    And more importantly Jaloux, really sorry to hear about the situation and I'm not for one second saying something didn't happen - it obviously did. But you've posted in a way that avoids any problems and just wanted to point out that other people shouldn't be asking for someone's actually name in public.

    As to what really matters, only you can decide if getting help is a good idea but it sounds like you've already taken a lot of the steps necessary to find some people who can help so it may be a good idea to talk to them. As an organisation that deals with these issues they should be able to provide you with enough support and boundaries to address what's been on your mind for a long time and make sure it is helpful and positive rather than a negative experience.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everybody, I appreciate it. :) I'm feeling better today.

    I did see a psychologist about three years ago but never told her any of this. I've never told anyone 'in real life' about this, I do get scared I can't handle it. I tried to build a shell when all this happened and in some ways it's still there. I'm worried if I show any kind of weakness I'll be taken advantage of and be turned into that scared kid again.

    I think I will contact the charity and see what they have to say. It's scary as hell but I think I've reached a position where I'm not sure how to progress from on my own.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My ex girlfriend has a similar thing where:
    I'm never relaxed around people, I have to mechanically force myself to 'chill'

    That was because a friend she had was threatening to kill himself. I'm friends with her now and she gets really stressed over the smaller issues, she's been to counselling and they established for her it was all due to self esteem and worrying everyone thinks she's rubbish. So for her she's been trying to build up her confidence - going and doing outgoing things and also practicing self help techniques like meditation and writing good things about herself down.

    I don't know if that helps you at all and I hope it's not patronising, just speaking because I related to your statement and my experience with my friend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jim V wrote: »
    Discussing someone's name here would simply open up this website to libel issues and drag Jaloux into it - which I very doubt would be helpful right now.

    I wasn't looking for a name, because I wouldn't know any John Smiths or Eugene Schlapshturys anywhere from UK.

    I was asking if he was someone 'working with children', or someone working for the church (yea, I know, the good ol' stereotype), cuz why would jaloux be in contact with him if they aren't related? and therefore he might be semi-famous. It's just to protect other teenager going through the same stuff. Of course he should repent for his deeds, but imagine he's a boyscout teamleader or whatever, then I'd say he has to be stopped all the quicker.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I wasn't looking for a name, because I wouldn't know any John Smiths or Eugene Schlapshturys anywhere from UK.

    I was asking if he was someone 'working with children', or someone working for the church (yea, I know, the good ol' stereotype), cuz why would jaloux be in contact with him if they aren't related? and therefore he might be semi-famous. It's just to protect other teenager going through the same stuff. Of course he should repent for his deeds, but imagine he's a boyscout teamleader or whatever, then I'd say he has to be stopped all the quicker.

    I suspected you might be asking because of something like that. Without going into the details, he was my boss but karma gave him what he deserved and he lost the ability to do his life's passion and moved out of the city as a result and is mostly isolated. It's likely that I was his last ever target.

    I know that in a lot of ways I'm very fortunate. He doesn't scare me anymore. It's mainly the emotional aftermath of how I dealt with what happened that I've got to deal with, the fear is gone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is it possible to contact the producers of the programme, as the guy is obviously contradicting himself. Or hipocracy? I can't think of the right word but it's along those lines.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh :heart: I wish I had something usefull to say to you. It is just terrible to read. I am glad you are thinking about contacting the charity. Even having somebody to listen can often be such a relief and help alot. I hope you get the best and it all goes well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would give the charity a call. If your major concern is that you'd be opening an emotional can of worms that you'd then have to deal with, I suggest you mention that fear before you start going into detail about things. Their response and explanation of the support they can offer will give you the details you need to then decide whether they can help you further.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Contact them now. This horrible episode from the past must not be allowed to dominate your life any longer. That call could be the most important one you ever make.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So I originally wrote this post in September and it only took me until December to actually write the email and send it... I feel both terrified and relieved at the same time.

    Knowing myself, I'll probably avoid checking my email all day long tomorrow and once I finally check, if there's a reply I'll spend an hour 'being busy' before reading it, lol.

    Going to get some sleep now and see what tomorrow brings! :nervous:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should put your newly-made jumper on, too. It's all about comfort-wearing!

    *hugs*, really glad you got around to getting in touch. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs* :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks guys. :)

    I'm behaving almost exactly like I knew I would, lol. Except I forgot that my email client now shows the first few lines of every email so I saw the beginning of the reply and went: 'eeek!' I've told myself I'm going to eat first. :angel:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hugs!

    I think the issue of opening a can of worms would be more of a risk if you were completely over it, but youre not, its still playing a significant part in your life, so talking about it and confronting and dealing with it can only be positive in the long term
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, you're right. What happened doesn't affect my everyday life but I'm realising more and more how it's dehabilitating me when it comes to men plus I have some very deep rooted fear of not being in control of my surroundings at all times (bizarre thing is, it's a trait that makes me good at my job). If guys come on too strong or block me I get almost paralysed in fear before I have time to think.

    The woman who responded to my email said I was welcome to book an appointment and have a chat. I feel strangely calm about the prospect. I'll be shitting bricks somewhere down the line though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SCARY!

    I called and was totally going to sound confident and tiger-like. I came out like a kitten, lol.

    Now I have a week to agonize over going. I'm almost shaking and already thinking 'nuuu, I can't talk about this to anyone!' My mind's even telling me 'nothing happened!' :nervous:

    Oh well, I have voice coaching lesson shortly, that should cheer me up. :)
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