Jealousy

Former Member

It's not often I experience feelings of jealously but was out at the pub last night with some friends, of which one was my recently, on/off ex blokey. We're still very close and not quite decided on what to do but we say we're single. It's all a bit of a confusion.

Well last night a beautiful lady was flirting with him and I felt a rather unfamiliar pang of jealously, I'm really not a jealous type - yet last night I was green as any green eyed monster...how shameful.:yuck:

Former Member

We're at the stage of almost criminalising jealousy as if it makes you a bad, prudish, uber-uncool person to do it. I went to a workshop on jealousy last night (they do exist ) so I'll follow up on a more detailed answer later when I'm not about to slip out of the door, but there's nothing shameful about feeling jealous, even if you're not prone to it.

Former Member

Nothing shameful I agree with go_away but it does have a habit of making me at least feel miserable!

Former Member

go_away wrote: »

We're at the stage of almost criminalising jealousy as if it makes you a bad, prudish, uber-uncool person to do it. I went to a workshop on jealousy last night (they do exist ) so I'll follow up on a more detailed answer later when I'm not about to slip out of the door, but there's nothing shameful about feeling jealous, even if you're not prone to it.

I think jealousy is only valid in certain situations.

Former Member

ilipintt wrote: »

I think jealousy is only valid in certain situations.

Like when a sibling comes home with fish and chips and didn't get you any :mad:

Former Member

So?

Former Member

ilipintt wrote: »

So?

I like fish and chips but that's besides the point of the thread I guess.

I often *feel* jealous but I try not to *act* jealous because it's hardly an admirable trait. But nevertheless whenever I feel jealous it ends up making me feel sad or miserable. So overall I think it's good to avoid feeling jealous as much as you can - but I don't know how it's possible to 'control' what you feel. I guess you can look at things in different, more positive ways, that sometimes helps.

Former Member

ShyBoy wrote: »

I often *feel* jealous but I try not to *act* jealous because it's hardly an admirable trait. But nevertheless whenever I feel jealous it ends up making me feel sad or miserable. So overall I think it's good to avoid feeling jealous as much as you can - but I don't know how it's possible to 'control' what you feel. I guess you can look at things in different, more positive ways, that sometimes helps.

This.

I used to be verrrry jealous about every little shit, but it kinda stopped. I guess I realized it never helped and just made me miserable. I'm not sure if I'm better off yet, because I seem to be much more in a "why should I give a shit?"-attitude. hmmm...

Former Member

Don't go out with him? Actually - don't have any contact with him for a while at least. It's the only way tbh.

Former Member

I think that it is okay to be jealous to a point. Jealousy just simply supports that fact that we are all human and have feelings. There is a point when jealousy takes you over. That is when it has gone too far. It should not bring you down, it should only make you aware of what you are feeling.

Former Member

Ok *puts hat on*

One of the best ways to learn how to 'unlearn' jealousy so that you can deal with it in a more positive manner - is to allow yourself to feel it. This is by no means an easy feat, but like learning how to surf/snowboard/whatever else, you have to fall a few times to learn how not to. When you do this - you can start to learn what jealousy means to you, and how it acts as a trigger to other emotions. For me when I get jealous, I initially feel the physiological symptoms aka the 'flight/fight' response, then comes the 'fallout' where I might feel a little down about myself for a couple of days and it all becomes very insular. What I do know is that I'm more prone to feeling jealous if I don't feel so great about myself - so make sure you have plenty of 'you' time

When you start to recognise how/why you get jealous, it gives you an opportunity to think, "Ok, this happens because of x, y - perhaps I need to confront those past demons" or "I think I need to avoid these situations for now until I feel stronger." When this happens, you can get an opportunity to 'experiment' and see how it feels to be jealous when you're more in control and as the book [Ethical Slut] says, it becomes less of a horrible storm you have to endure, and more like a rainy day that's a bit of an inconvinence.

I think the hardest thing of all to come to terms with is that you own your emotions - no one can 'make' you feel jealous. It's a lot easier to blame others for the way we're feeling but when it comes down to how we react, we're ultimately responsible. It took me aaaages to even comprehend this, but once I started to work at it, I found life and interacting with others became so much easier. So if someone said to me, "You're a poo-poo head," I would no longer think, "OMG they called me that, that's so horrible, why? I feel so crap now :crying: " and more like, "Ok, that person just said something that's quite out of order. They obviously want me to be upset. I wonder what's going on with them in order for them to try to belittle me?"

Apologies for the essay, hope that helps

Former Member

What kind of hat? I hope it's stripy.

I don't remember the last time I felt properly jealous over something. I think that's mostly to do with a) not living at home anymore and therefore not having to compete with my sisters who are in turn sportier and more academically clever, and more fashionable and sociable than I am. b) I'm generally quite happy in myself. Actually the last time I was jealous was last winter over my sister's looovely coat because I'd been planning to buy one just like it but not had the funds, came home for Christmas and the cowbag had got one! Humph. But even then I think I was more annoyed than jealous.

sorry for the kind of derailment Curvy lass.

Former Member

I think its okay to be jealous sometimes, just shows you care/love.

At the start of my relationship, I was sooooo jealous, at anything, if he'd txt his old girl mate, I'd flip, I'd always check his txt's and e-mails.

Now, Im older(ish)! and I know he wont go off, weve got a baby, I'm happy, and if he did go off, then its his loss! If facebook was around then, I'd be deleting all his mates! LOL

Former Member

go_away wrote: »

We're at the stage of almost criminalising jealousy as if it makes you a bad, prudish, uber-uncool person to do it. I went to a workshop on jealousy last night (they do exist ) so I'll follow up on a more detailed answer later when I'm not about to slip out of the door, but there's nothing shameful about feeling jealous, even if you're not prone to it.

I don't think anyone should ever feel jealous. It just seems a bit infantile.

If someone is in a better position than me, I just accept that life is unfair and move on from it. We are all unique and have unique qualities.

Former Member

ilipintt wrote: »

If someone is in a better position than me, I just accept that life is unfair and move on from it.

Actually, I don't think you do.

Former Member

I do.

**helen**

go_away wrote: »

Ok *puts hat on*

One of the best ways to learn how to 'unlearn' jealousy so that you can deal with it in a more positive manner - is to allow yourself to feel it. This is by no means an easy feat, but like learning how to surf/snowboard/whatever else, you have to fall a few times to learn how not to. When you do this - you can start to learn what jealousy means to you, and how it acts as a trigger to other emotions. For me when I get jealous, I initially feel the physiological symptoms aka the 'flight/fight' response, then comes the 'fallout' where I might feel a little down about myself for a couple of days and it all becomes very insular. What I do know is that I'm more prone to feeling jealous if I don't feel so great about myself - so make sure you have plenty of 'you' time

When you start to recognise how/why you get jealous, it gives you an opportunity to think, "Ok, this happens because of x, y - perhaps I need to confront those past demons" or "I think I need to avoid these situations for now until I feel stronger." When this happens, you can get an opportunity to 'experiment' and see how it feels to be jealous when you're more in control and as the book [Ethical Slut] says, it becomes less of a horrible storm you have to endure, and more like a rainy day that's a bit of an inconvinence.

I think the hardest thing of all to come to terms with is that you own your emotions - no one can 'make' you feel jealous. It's a lot easier to blame others for the way we're feeling but when it comes down to how we react, we're ultimately responsible. It took me aaaages to even comprehend this, but once I started to work at it, I found life and interacting with others became so much easier. So if someone said to me, "You're a poo-poo head," I would no longer think, "OMG they called me that, that's so horrible, why? I feel so crap now :crying: " and more like, "Ok, that person just said something that's quite out of order. They obviously want me to be upset. I wonder what's going on with them in order for them to try to belittle me?"

Apologies for the essay, hope that helps

Wow, I'm sure this will help lots of people

Former Member

ilipintt wrote: »

I don't think anyone should ever feel jealous. It just seems a bit infantile.

People will feel jealous, I don't think it's infantile, it's a reaction to situations where we feel pain/fears/threats so it's normal on occassions, but some people react to it in an infantile manner.

Former Member

I am one jealous motherfucker. I can't help it, I just always have been. I get jealous when my girlfriend spends more time with her friends than me e.t.c, the trick is to not let it show. I know I'm being pathetic, and as much as I sometimes wanna be off with her over it, you just bite your lip and tell yourself you have no need to be jealous.
When it comes to guys coming on to her in bars, has happened once since I've been in Aus....nearly ripped the guys fucking throat out, but reminded myself I was in front of my girlfriend, so I just put my arm round her and walked away, looking the bigger man.