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Really large problem with my relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys. As you may have heard from my previous threads, I have been going out with this new girl for a little over 3 weeks now. We were going absolutely great, up until today.

I was sitting during marching band rehearsal, and I saw her walk in late in tears and sit in her spot. Of course, something was wrong. So there I sat absolutely fucking helpless until break came. I walked up to her during break and she stepped away. I told her hey, I know you probably need your space, so um, when you are ready, just tell me ok? She smilled and said ok.

Rehearsal finished and I walked outside to see her not there. She always waited for me, but not today.

For background information, she is a harp performance and business double major.

So I made it to my dorm and I got a message saying.

Her: Hey, i'm sorry that i snapped at you earlier... it was just a really hard lesson, and i have some really big decisions to make now that i need some time to think about... so again, i'm really sorry, i wasn't trying to hurt you in any way, she just crushed 10 years of work today and it was hard to take...

Me: No i'm sorry for not keeping away sooner. I should have known i needed to keep away from you. And I don't think you snapped at me at all. Take all of the time you need. Your future and career take precedence over something so little like me. :)

her: Ugh, but that's the thing, you shouldn't have to keep away.. its just that part of what she said has to do with you, and i just really didnt want to start crying again, because i knew i would if i started talking to you

me:let me guess, she said you have to not have a boy distraction? _____, I would be perfectly happy just sitting at your kitchen table studying while you practiced. I want to support you. I was just getting a little frustrated cause I know there's absolutely nothing I can do to help.

her: Yeah... she laid down some rules if i decide to kep the same major... and not having a boy distraction is one of them.... getting rid of my other major is another one... but i've wanted to be a performance major for 10 years... and she knows how to make great harpists, and i know that if i do what she wants me to do, then i can do everything i've ever dreamed of... im just trying to decide whether it's worth it or not.

me: Well, I don't want to be a roadblock in your decision. I do love you ____, but I understand your major and your future come before a silly boyfriend.

her: Ugh, you're not a silly boyfriend.... and that's part of why this is so fucking hard... and then the other problem is my scholarship...i cant go to ___without my harp scholarship.

me: Is there any way your parents can help? I mean, there must be some way...

her: I've talked to my mom about it already, and she's gonna call me when she gets off work to talk about it some more.. and i talked to ___ and __ (our marching band directors) about it too, and pretty much the general concensus is that (the music school) sucks. but you have to do it if you want it badly enough.

me: Yea... and i'm really sorry you are being faced with such a difficult decision. Well I am going to shutup and give you time to think. Whatever you decide, I fully support you.

her: Thanks... and seriously, this just majorly sucks... ugh, ok, holling up in my room and making a pro and cons list... i'll ttyl

So there it is. She will have to give up her Sorority, marching band(which she and i absolutely love), me her boyfriend, and probably most of her social life to continue her dream.

If she drops it, she loses that dream she has had for 10 years, and there is a chance she will no longer be able to come to our school.

When I told her I really cared for her, and I would support her decision either way, I really really meant it. But why do I feel so fucking sad about it....

What the fuck do I do? I know I should just sit and wait, but i feel just fucking awful right now.... As I said, I would be proud of her for pursuing her dream, but it feels pretty fucking awful....


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    her harp teacher sounds like absolute bitch. sorry. but i mean asking somene to do all that is way too far. she cant stop having a life to stay inside and practice her harp. i know i wouldnt be able to understand how much that could mean to someone but its ridiculous to TELL someone not to have a boyfriend how much time could you possibly take up. is she seriously practising every single second between eating sleeping and other work. i think this is a bit absurd and ridiculously unfair on her. she will have the same chance of pursueing her dream with you by her side supporting her. probably better chance as she will have someone there when things dont work out. if she fucks up an audition or something she will need you there to hug her and tell her there will be more. i would never close off the rest of my life for any 1 part of my life. i know things in my life mean fuck all compared to what her harp carreer means to her but still. sorry im not really answering your question. there is little you can do tbh just stand by her decision, if this means that much to her you have to accept that but i really hope she realises she can both quite easily. good luck mate i kno how hard this must be for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be as successful in something as she seems to want to be in playing the harp you usually do have to give up everything else in your life and make it your reason for living, but I think when people who do that get what they've been aiming for they're unhappy partly because they've got no one close to them to be as happy as they are and partly because they've been doing one thing for so long they don't know what to do when they've achieved it.
    You seem to be willing to support her, and even come second to her playing the harp. I don't think many people are like that. Her teacher has probably seen a lot of talented people limit or completely give up playing the harp because of a relationship, so she doesn't like her best students being in relationships. It sounds to me like you could continue this relationship while actually helping her career by encouraging her and support her when things do go wrong, which they will at some point. The important thing for you to consider is will you want more of her time as the relationship gets more serious? If you think you will then that's a potential problem. If not, I think you seem to have the ideal relationship for someone who has so much passion for something that takes so much dedication.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I cracked up at the word marching band - too many memories of American Pie . :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Pacman,

    Sorry to hear you're having these problems with your girlfriend.

    It sounds as though you have your girlfriend's best interests at heart which is a really commendable unselfish attitude that many might not have in your situation! ;)

    The thing is, just because you and your girlfriend know that you won't be a 'distraction' to her studies doesn't mean that her parents and her teacher know that. What you have to do is show by your actions that you won't be a problem to her studies and that can only happen over time.

    Would you be able to commit to only seeing each other once a week or some other compromise and then stick to it during term time? If she has had a dream for so long and you want to support her in that then part of that might be to commit to limiting your time together and sticking to that - showing everyone that you are not a threat to her studies.

    It might be tough, especially to stick to the agreement when you'll want to be together more but her studies aren't forever and hopefully a compromise can be arranged that keeps everyone happy.

    Remember that all her teacher and parents will see is a boy who they'll assume will turn her head from full dedication to lacklustre studying because she is pining for you all the time. But I don't think its impossible that you can show them that you're no threat - it just might take some time.

    Good luck and keep posting to let us know how you're getting on!

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