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Overdose - Wake Up Call?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been putting this off. Writing this thread I mean, but I really could do with some advice and hear from other people who can relate to me about this.

I use to suffer from depression when I was 16 cause of diff circumstances.

With the support of my family, I did feel, I got past it and came out as a stronger person. Always been known to have a positive attitude towards life and appreciated the little things I have in life.

Then came just the last 4 weeks when I started to lose control. I was getting bullied/ganged up by two people in my work that I once use to love. I spoke to a manager who was happy to offer advice off the record and he strongly advised I should report this as I did have some proof. ie. I was being sent threatening emails, one from who could of got me the sack.

A week later after all this, my relationship ended with my boyfriend. We been together just under a year. We had plans to go to Australia in September and when we got back, we were getting a place together. The short story of that is, he is not ready for a serious relationship as he still lives a life of a young lad who just wants to get wasted with the guys and doesn't cope well facing difficult situations. I never did feel I could confide in him, about anything I was dealing with, so it was a mutual break up to begin with.

The thing that didn't hit me till after we agreed it was over - I was giving up my plans to go to Oz with my bf and getting a place together. Ya know, growing up and all that. I felt I lost that purpose, in what I was actually doing with my life.

While I knew I was really upset about how everything in my life was changing suddenly, I had no idea how bad I was until it was too late.

Last week, I locked myself in my room as just wanted to sleep (I hadn't been sleeping properly for weeks cause of the stress in work). I seen a box of painkillers and I took them one by one, hoping it would take my pain away. All the bad memories I had from I was 16 upwards, had re-surfaced all in one go and I couldn't escape or see how I was getting out of this one. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just didn't recognize myself that night at all and it scared me how I did something so crazy without thinking of the consequences. Before I knew it, I swallowed 32 Anadin Extra and 8 of the Nurofen on an empty stomach.

It wasn't a suicide attempt - as crazy as this must sound, it was to help me sleep somehow. I just seen painkillers written on the box and thought, if I take them, it will kill the pain I was feeling emotionally. God I know, that sounds extremely dumb, but I really just broke down and was not thinking.

So my parents, rushed me to hospital - I was kept in all night until they got everything out of my body and I had to speak to a number of doctors to convince them it was not a suicide attempt. It wasn't even self harm. I just wanted relief from the bad memories.

They finally let me home the next day and I'm now with my family and I haven't left the house since. My family have been amazing. Especially my dad who I wouldn't normally be as close with, but has been my rock since this. No one knew I was this bad. I didn't even know either which is the scary part.

Now, I want to treat this as a wake up call to get help and go see a counselor - I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. I know, I will get past this and it will just take time.

However, I have now lost my boyfriend as a friend - He hates what I did. Saying I was stupid and selfish and won't be around to see me do something like that again. I never meant to hurt anyone :( I really was just not thinking. He won't listen to me when I try to explain it was not a suicide attempt and my mind did just break down, like I lost control and I was just looking for relief from it. I've now lost a friend as she says shes disappointed in me. She wants to be there for me, but I can't bring myself to talk to her known how much she hates what I did and how disappointed she is in me for not being stronger.

One thing out of all this, I have found how lucky I am with the family I already have and the few mates that have stood by me when matters most.

I do know I will get better, but god it still hurts known people are disgusted with me :(

This thread is just a reach out to anyone who has experienced something similar - maybe you could share your stories / experiences? How did you recover? Or are you still trying to recover at the moment?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can indentify with your reasons, I know someone who did almost the same thing as you, not really to kill themselves but to just turn off their brain for a while.

    In reality it took me a while before I didnt consider it as an option, but things do change and its not until you look back that you realise how much you've changed.

    I guess what I'm saying in a round about and fairly long winded way is that you wont feel like this forever.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I Know you wanted people to share their own experinces but i have these thoughts about doing a similar thing and i still have these thoughts, just so that i can get a relief from everything and had close encounters so your not on your own :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah, i can relate.
    But i know theres no point acting on the thoughts unless im deadly serious because there will be no family or friends to rely upon to get me through. The few people i have-id rather die than have to face them after a failed attempt.
    Crys for help dont work if theres nobody to hear you. I take the responsibility to go to the right people and ask for help, sometimes.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cuddilicious you were so very lucky not to have died from paracetamol poisoning and I say this as gentle and as empathic as I can but overdosing even without realising the consequences could have had long term damage to your liver. Except that paracetamol poisoning causes liver damage which may become apparent 12 to 48 hours after ingestion. So as you say this was a week ago, then you are lucky indeed!

    But I had a family member who wasn't quite so lucky. :(

    ((Hug))


    Poppi
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    budda - I really hope so. I mean, right now, I'm trying to focus on the good things I have. Like my family who have been so good to me and the few mates that wants to be there for me. Just at the moment, I can't help but still feel hurt and ashamed, known my friend and ex are so disappointed at me for not being stronger.

    shy_girl - Have you tried to speak to someone about it? Family or friends who can help? That was the worst thing I did before that cause my break down. I locked myself away from people, thinking, I could deal with it on my own but it just got worse.

    Sikorah - That's the thing, I really wasn't trying to kill myself or harm myself in anyway. I soo stupidly did not think of how dangerous it was to take that amount. All I wanted was to sleep. My mind shut down, that I did not get the chance to think of the consequences. I regret, what I did. If I could turn back time, I would not of locked myself in my room like that when I was in such a fragile state.

    AccessDenied: That's exactly what scares me. How I did not think how dangerous that was because I did not want to end my life. I know, I'm very lucky that I did not cause any long term damage to my liver.

    I really never realised how bad I was. So right now, I'm really really just trying to focus on trying to get better. Stay focused on the good things I have and anytime I have negative thoughts, I start talking to someone I know I can trust. Rather than pretending all will be ok, when it clearly isn't.

    God I feel so weak and pathetic right now. Just want to hurry up and snap out of this.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've taken too many pills before from exhaustion. It was stupid... they were on my desk so I had one as I had a headache and was utterly tired. As soon as I put the packet down I had forgot I had one, so had another... and another. I only had 5 before I realised though so was quite lucky. I wouldn't class myself as depressed either, it's one of those silly mistakes you can make sometimes when you are so exhausted (in my case physically, but emotionally exhausted too...) and you have some pain you just can't think properly. Dangerous combination as you have found out.

    I think seeing a counsellor could help but on the plus side you do seem to be focusing your energy in a positive direction (i.e. what you want to do, rather than what you can't do) which in my opinion / experience is most of the battle won. Hope things look up for you soon!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah, my brother did say that, not being able to sleep for weeks did not help me either cause I was getting so stressed out about work. I literally just was not sleeping and was eating very little. Been sooo long since I felt that low. As I said in my first post, the last time I felt this low, was when I was just 16 cause of different circumstances that happened to me. I'm 23 - to go through it again is tiring me out as feel like I'm back to square one. People keep telling me, they thought I was stronger than this. Hell, so did I. I still can't get my head round it, how I lost control.

    I just gotta stay focused I guess and take one day at a time.

    Thank you for your input ShyBoy :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, it sounds like you've got good support and a nice family to help you through it.
    You're lucky.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heya Cuddilicious, you will feel bedraggled for probably a few days. It is just your mind's thoughts of the terrible experience but you have learnt to respect your body now and not be so irresponsible.

    (((Hug))) - it's ok you know. Ok to feel as you do, it's just a natural reaction but stop doing your head in by blaming yourself or you'll take ages to heal. Flip!- I've done some stupid things - like going on an alcohol bender all week starting from the time mummy died and ending up somewhere legless and vommy on a fishing boat moored on the far side of Pothia's north side harbour. Lord knows how I got there! The hospital people had to pump my stomach out. I crapped my clothes, I was a total freaking mess. I was embarrassed, I got told I was being drunk and disorderly - that, in Kalymnos is just Not Acceptable for drunkenness on my island just isn't done. Our culture. It took me a while to live down, I made apologies to many. But it happened. I effed up, and learnt.

    So you will be ok I am sure. ((More hugs!))

    Best,
    Poppi
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Poppi - This morning I had the ex phoning at first to see how I am, then had a go at me for being so stupid. When he realised how far he went, he did apologise. To be expected I guess, as I'm sure it's hard for him as well.

    Still a lot to sort out in my head. And just to take one day at a time. In a weird way, it just helps known I really aint the only one that has had crazy thoughtless moments. I mean, you tell yourself, that you know you aint the only one. But helps to actually hear from somebody else. If that make sense.

    I've battled against it before. I just gotta remind myself, if I got through it before, I can get through it again. And it does help known I got my family always there for me.

    Thank you so much guys.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hows thing moving along with the cousellor and drs? sounds like you're being as positive as you can be, well done :)
    I have had lots of long term problems wth my mental health, and tbh its the realisation that you can't live like this anymore thats the biggest hurdle, and it seems like you've got over it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hows thing moving along with the cousellor and drs? sounds like you're being as positive as you can be, well done :)
    I have had lots of long term problems wth my mental health, and tbh its the realisation that you can't live like this anymore thats the biggest hurdle, and it seems like you've got over it.

    If I'm being honest, I haven't went to the doctors yet. Only cause I still can't leave the house. I guess, I just don't feel ready to face the real world until I feel strong enough. For the meantime, I am trying to take control by making sure I talk to someone, like my brother who Im dead close with and my parents sometimes when I feel it's starting to build up again.

    Can I ask, as you said you too have long term problems with your mental health, do you still see a counselor? If so, did it really help you at all?

    As soon as I feel strong enough to leave the house, I am going to get my doc to refer to me see a counselor, even if I feel ok. That was my biggest fault before, when I had my bad days, I say it's time to see the doc. And when I come round, I cancel the appt or just change my mind thinking I'm ok. When really I wasn't. I was just getting better at hiding things.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I'm being honest, I haven't went to the doctors yet. Only cause I still can't leave the house. I guess, I just don't feel ready to face the real world until I feel strong enough. For the meantime, I am trying to take control by making sure I talk to someone, like my brother who Im dead close with and my parents sometimes when I feel it's starting to build up again.

    Thats really good, sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is just the hardest thing to do. Take your time, you need to be ready.
    Can I ask, as you said you too have long term problems with your mental health, do you still see a counselor? If so, did it really help you at all?

    Well I'm actually in between therapists at the moment but will be seeing someone weekly starting in the next few weeks and have been seeing a counsellor reglarly for the best part of the last 6 months and on and off before that. For me, counselling saved my life, I really benefited from it and still do, the talking therapies work well for me. I take medication as well, but its the counselling that really helps me. I just find having that impartial person there, who doesn't react, helps me understand and sort of pull myself together.
    As soon as I feel strong enough to leave the house, I am going to get my doc to refer to me see a counselor, even if I feel ok. That was my biggest fault before, when I had my bad days, I say it's time to see the doc. And when I come round, I cancel the appt or just change my mind thinking I'm ok. When really I wasn't. I was just getting better at hiding things.


    Oh I know that feeling. I have had relapses and bad periods on and off of the past 5 years, because whenever I have a good spell, I think that means I'm 100% fine. And really it's not that I'm not fine, but its more keeping on top of things and taking control.

    You can get through this and bounce back from it, it won't happen overnight, but it can and will get better :)
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