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Friend purposefully leaving me out
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Right, I have this friend. In fact I share a bathroom with her at university so we're pretty close, in the same group of friends and I see her everyday. Say her name is Jane. We also do the same subject, so there's pretty much no escaping each other! I don't mind so much, she's nice enough. I'm pretty quiet I guess, and she's quite direct and confident, which I don't like so much about her, but she's a nice person.
Only she does a lot of things and doesn't invite me. This is fine in some instances but in others it really gets to me. We're friends with another girl, and we a lot of things as a three. But often Jane organises things with our other friend, without telling me, or on nights she knows I'm not available. Occasionally our other friend asks me along, when she's aware Jane hasn't asked me, but Jane usually manages to arrange these things when I'm not around. There's also people off our course which we're both good friends with, or even which I'm more friendly with than her, and she often arranges to meet up with them without mentioning it to me until she's walking out the door. And then she comes back and bangs on about, and all the things they did and talked about.
As I type this it's becoming more and more clear that she probably just doesn't like me! And I should be more assertive. But is it rude? For example, her and our other friend are going out to dinner tonight. She told me about it, just in passing and then just smiled at me blankly, and there was a bit of an awkward silence which should have been filled with a 'do you fancy coming?'. It's almost as if she enjoys it.
I suppose my question is (without sounding too much like a left out, overly sensitive, unjust person) is, is this rude? Especially when it becomes obvious to other people? Because our other friends are started saying, 'oh why didn't you go?' or things like that, and the only answer I really have is 'well jane organised it and she didnt tell me about it'. As I read this back through, I guess it's pretty clear she doesn't like me. And I don't really want to start organising things without her a.) because it's not very nice and b.) it will turn into big issue.
Sorry if it's sounds a bit unfair on her, there's a million other not so good things I could say about her that kinda help my argument, but I think I've bored you all enough for one post!
Only she does a lot of things and doesn't invite me. This is fine in some instances but in others it really gets to me. We're friends with another girl, and we a lot of things as a three. But often Jane organises things with our other friend, without telling me, or on nights she knows I'm not available. Occasionally our other friend asks me along, when she's aware Jane hasn't asked me, but Jane usually manages to arrange these things when I'm not around. There's also people off our course which we're both good friends with, or even which I'm more friendly with than her, and she often arranges to meet up with them without mentioning it to me until she's walking out the door. And then she comes back and bangs on about, and all the things they did and talked about.
As I type this it's becoming more and more clear that she probably just doesn't like me! And I should be more assertive. But is it rude? For example, her and our other friend are going out to dinner tonight. She told me about it, just in passing and then just smiled at me blankly, and there was a bit of an awkward silence which should have been filled with a 'do you fancy coming?'. It's almost as if she enjoys it.
I suppose my question is (without sounding too much like a left out, overly sensitive, unjust person) is, is this rude? Especially when it becomes obvious to other people? Because our other friends are started saying, 'oh why didn't you go?' or things like that, and the only answer I really have is 'well jane organised it and she didnt tell me about it'. As I read this back through, I guess it's pretty clear she doesn't like me. And I don't really want to start organising things without her a.) because it's not very nice and b.) it will turn into big issue.
Sorry if it's sounds a bit unfair on her, there's a million other not so good things I could say about her that kinda help my argument, but I think I've bored you all enough for one post! 0
Comments
Also, it might seem bold but I would be tempted to invite myself along to stuff when you know about it in advance (which I appreciate you don't always) - so I would just say "oh that sounds good, well I'm not doing anything later do you mind if I come along?" I very much doubt she will say no and if she does then you can ask why and get it all out in the open.
It does seem a bit odd, I can understand not always wanting to hang out with the same people and on the one hand she isn't obliged to invite you along to everything. On the other, some people can be a bit strange/cliquey/have odd ideas about making themselves look popular which may be the case here. My advice would just be proactive and arrange things without her, not in a hostile or bitchy way but just so you can have good friendships with the same people as she does and enjoy their company without feeling left out.
It is in a way a bit rude, but it's not massively so, you should both have independant lives that overlap a bit and maybe she's pushing things a bit too separate.
Might be worth trying to arrange to meet up with people yourself, with or without her, or invite her along but on something that you sort out.
It's always horrible to feel left out. It can make you suspect your friends are not as close as you think they are, or it can even make you feel like you have done something wrong to make them act like this.
Either way, it's an awkward situation to be in, especially as you share a bathroom with and are doing the same course as the person who is leaving you out of things.
It's difficult to work out why she might be acting this way. Perhaps, as anabear said, she feels that you too spend enough time together already and wants to do something with other people. It's possible that she doesn't realise that you feel left out and that you would actually like to come to the things she arranges. Or, it could be that she is especially close to the other girl that she goes out with, and whilst she wants to spend time with her, it doesn't mean she likes you any less.
Either way, it might help to have a chat with her about it. You could just mention that you've noticed that she doesn't tend to invite you along to things and you were wondering if there was a particular reason why. This might help to straighten things out in a non-confrontational way. Or you could try inviting yourself along to one evening out. You might feel a bit awkward or embarassed, but she might think that you don't want to go and it could make her realise that actually you do.
Even if it turns out that she's not inviting you along for mean-spirited reasons, or she's just plain rude, at least you know that she would not actually be that nice a person to go out with anyway.
Aside from trying to straighten that out, it might be a good idea to think about making some other friends outside of the circle you already have. This will give your social life and your confidence a boost, and means that you won't feel so left out when she goes out because you will have other things to be doing yourself.
There are a lot of things you could do at university to widen your circle of friends, such as joining a student society or group. If there's nothing that interests you, how about taking up a new hobby or volunteering? Both of these things will provide you with new interests and are also good ways of meeting new people. Check out www.do-it.org.uk for a database of volunteering opportunities all over the UK.
Remember, even if it turns out that this girl doesn't want to socialise with you, that doesn't reflect badly on you. There will be a whole group of people out there who will want to hang out with you and invite you to things. If she doesn't want to then it is her loss.
Hopefully you can chat to her about this and work out what is going on, so you can either start hanging out with them or start concentrating on having fun with other people instead.
Good luck!
Helen
i wouldnt take it personally, i think it is rude she cant confront you about why she has not invited you to go out and stuff.. but i think that you should chat to her explain how you feel, and ask her why shes excluding you from things as its not nice..
hope it goes well chick
That reminds me of my friendship group at school. I've never understood why some girls need to try and leave other girls out, it's such a bitchy and mean thing to do I guess it's down to their own insecruities.
Organise something with just you and her and maybe when she sees you not as a threat but as a friend she might start including you.
If not, play her at her own game and organise things but give invite her to show you're the bigger person. If your other friends have noticed her doing it then maybe one of them will mention it to her and ask why she didn't invite you.
Or you could just straight out ask her why she's leaving you out.