If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
am i a bitch?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Again this has to do with problems at university and it's with the same girl who let us down about the house where I ended up looking like the bad person because I was 'assertive' about it and gave her a deadline.
Admittedly maybe I am still angry at her about that and this is what has seeped through? I am doubting myself even now. Back to the problem, we are three friends who have been eating together all of this academic year. It has helped me a lot because at one point I wasn't eating properly and so it prompted me to actually eat. When I go back home I go shopping every weekend and pick up a few things like bread and cheese (we all have lunch together) and eggs and salad. My other friend usually provides the food for tea like pasta and veg etc. It feels like I have only just realised that our other friend provides zilch!!
The friend who gets stuff for tea came back with me to spend the weekend and the bill worked out at £13 each if we divided it amongst three. So I tell this to the zilch friend yesterday and she just says 'yeah sure' like no date of when to pay or anything. So I said today and she looks all shocked at the price and I said yeah well we'll take off money cuz you're a veggie so that works out at £9. She's sitting there eating the sarnie with all the things that I bought and says yeah. Again no specific date to pay so it looks like I will have to keep reminding her.
Just texting my other friend about the situation and now I feel like the bitch. It makes me mad that I have only just noticed it. We don't set out purposefully for me to provide for lunch and my other friend to provide for tea. It's just worked out that way but surely common courtesy should have told our other friend to either bring more food along or give us some money for what she's sitting at the table eating.
I know that some of this is built on slowly growing resentment because lately she hardly ever helps with the washing up and makes an excuse to shoot off early. When we are all watching a film together or just hanging out together she's always on her phone texting her boyfriend.
Godddd.
I don't want to talk to her about this again because last time I just looked like the bad guy and I get quite angry so it all just comes out in a horrible way.
Admittedly maybe I am still angry at her about that and this is what has seeped through? I am doubting myself even now. Back to the problem, we are three friends who have been eating together all of this academic year. It has helped me a lot because at one point I wasn't eating properly and so it prompted me to actually eat. When I go back home I go shopping every weekend and pick up a few things like bread and cheese (we all have lunch together) and eggs and salad. My other friend usually provides the food for tea like pasta and veg etc. It feels like I have only just realised that our other friend provides zilch!!
The friend who gets stuff for tea came back with me to spend the weekend and the bill worked out at £13 each if we divided it amongst three. So I tell this to the zilch friend yesterday and she just says 'yeah sure' like no date of when to pay or anything. So I said today and she looks all shocked at the price and I said yeah well we'll take off money cuz you're a veggie so that works out at £9. She's sitting there eating the sarnie with all the things that I bought and says yeah. Again no specific date to pay so it looks like I will have to keep reminding her.
Just texting my other friend about the situation and now I feel like the bitch. It makes me mad that I have only just noticed it. We don't set out purposefully for me to provide for lunch and my other friend to provide for tea. It's just worked out that way but surely common courtesy should have told our other friend to either bring more food along or give us some money for what she's sitting at the table eating.
I know that some of this is built on slowly growing resentment because lately she hardly ever helps with the washing up and makes an excuse to shoot off early. When we are all watching a film together or just hanging out together she's always on her phone texting her boyfriend.
Godddd.
I don't want to talk to her about this again because last time I just looked like the bad guy and I get quite angry so it all just comes out in a horrible way.
0
Comments
Sounds like she takes the piss badly, but i actually am not sure whether she means it in a "trying to see what she can get away with" kind of way, but she definitely sounds spoilt.
If you're having pretty much every meal together then maybe the three of you need to come up with a new plan. Either take it in turns to do the shopping, or have the receipts for the last weeks shopping for the stuff you share at the meal on Monday and split it up, or have a kitty and buy the stuff you're using for joint meals out of that.
Maybe a good way to bring it up would be saying something like eating together is working out really well, and is probably cheaper for all of us than eating individually, but it can be quite hard to keep track of who's used what to keep things vaguely fair, how about we try doing X, where X is one of the above methods.
exactly. I guess you dont expect to have to teach your friends things their parents should have and carry on bringing them up as though theyre a child, when its supposed to be friends on an even footing.
Then again, ive often suspected im fairly intolerant
Then from now on let her go and buy her own food...simple!!
You shouldn't have to pay for her and provide for her, you're not her mum so just simply don't do it!! Doesn't seem to me like theres any point being nice about it and keep buying her food when she doesn't buy anything, she'll soon realise when your sat down eating a lovely sandwich and shes sat there starving that she needs to pull her finger out!!
We all eat together so I think she will suss there is something up when I take the bag of bread away from her before she makes a sandwich. I don't need a lesson thankyou. Maybe I made the mistake of trusting my friends??
Maybe let the charge slide this time and ask if she won't go do the groceries next time? Something to get her to contribute if she doesn't at all.
I understand that you'd be upset with her after what's going on but I think you need to take a step back and think of the implications of making a huge deal about it. You are three friends and the other doesn't seem to want to be in on what's going on so she could just as well end up siding with your other one if things go sour. It's not a very good idea to badmouth friends to mutual friends even if you feel they deserve it.
You should rather look for a solution that will solve this instead of risking to drive a vedge between all of you. It's a huge change to move away from home and start standing on your own feet and it can take a while to adjust and realise how to do things. In my opinion conflicts like these only create more resentment if pushed and can reach the point of no return.
There are some good suggestions about how to raise the subject and solve it in this thread without getting bitchy with her. I strongly suggest you try those before you do anything else.
Everyone needs lessons in life, from early stages through all our lifes we come across things and learn from them, unless your claiming to know everything about everything?
I'm not getting on at you here I was offering what I thought was good advice, I'll try explain a little better!
When I say take it as a lesson, I meant just forget about the £9 and don't spend anything on her food again! That would be the lesson learnt ad you will be out of pocket no-more!
Its not a mistake trusting friends, but when friends abuse that trust you have to learn from it and make sure you are wise to certain "friends" and don't trust them so much!
This friend seems like a piss-taker to me so you can't allow her to take the piss, carrying on buying her food is nice but also showing her that she can take the piss and you'll carry on buying her food, so she has no reason to sort her piss taking head out!
So do "take the bag of bread away" and so what if she knows somethings up? That was the whole point of the thread was it not - to find away of making it clear to her she has to pull her weight and chip in for the food etc.
You didn't want to bring it up so like I said forget about the £9, that way you don't have to bring that up, and don't buy her any food so that way you don't have to bring it up about paying again, she'll have to bring it up with you when she realises she has no bread!!
Don't know why you seemed so funny about my reply but i thought it was good advice and is how I would handle it!
If ever I've leant money to a friend and they didn't pay me back when they said they would, I would keep on at em until I got my money, then I learn from my mistakes and never lend that friend money ever again!
If it's because you're ALWAYS going to be buying more stuff than her then you need to sort it out. Either she needs to be putting some more in, or you need to be rotating what meals you buy.
I'd probably go with rotating myself. Mind you I wouldn't cos I'd be just buying for myself.
scary monster i kinda merged your advice this evening by mentioning the idea of taking in turns shopping each week and also keeping the receipt and dividing it up money-wise
Sorting out paying for shared stuff as a student is a nightmare, and it's rarely because people are malicious or deliberately shirking their load, just being dozy.
She also said her family are skint. She could easily at least attempt to get a job but I have the suspician that she has money because she goes to see her boyfriend in Essex and goes to the cinema at weekends. So now me and my friend have to split the bill for the shopping between us. If she cannot afford to contribute she should have said earlier and should have got a job. It's ridiculous. So now me and my other friend are just going to divide it between us and eat together (meeting her afterwards). Only I don't particularly like this girl and whilst I have sympathy towards her situation (IF she is as skint as she makes out) I'm not catering for her. I'm fed up of her and have reached boiling point.
Skint friend's suggestion was to still have tea together but she can cook seperately. But c'mon everyone can tell it'll gradually just seep into us having shared food again and her paying fuckall for it. I know this looks so simplistic if you are reading it (probably) but I am rather shit verbally at communicating myself and if I do sound harsh then I feel horrible about it afterwards. Can anyone give their thoughts? Am I being unsympathetic or am I right to be angry?
Also things like going to the cinema and back home aren't cheap.
I'm first year at uni at the moment and one thing that i've learnt is not to be put out by people you aren't good friends with and especially if you don't particularly like them. I'd say on the whole students want to get everything for nothing and it is very unfair for you to be paying for her meals as well.
You are just going to have be straight with her, which may be hard - but its better than storing all the negative feelings up and losing it at some point.
just wish my uni year didn't start with people taking the piss..now im going to have to try get over it and be friends with her
I think a lot of uni students get screwed over - ask Namaste who got screwed for a couple of grand by another student. I don't think it's that people are intentionally conning people, they are just so naive as to not consider money. They think they receive stuff for free and that's it. People will help themselves to your stuff... because that's what they've always done at home anyway.
I know it's not much use, just saying it's one of flipsides of university. You meet some great people, but for a lot of people it's their first taste of independence and rather than taking the responsibility they just let other students become their mothers.
If you catch her still eating the food that you two are buying then i would just sit her down and politely talk to her. Just tell her you understand she's skint but that the rest of you aren't much better off and that's it's not fair that you're providing for her with your wages. Tell her she needs to provide money towards the food bills if she's going to carry on eating the food you've bought as it's rude and devious to carry on eating the food but not paying for it.
Know how annoying it is when people are like this, whether they mean to be or not.
This is very important. Friends of mine are living with a guy (who is a good friend of us too), but he's pretty lazy and a tad spoilt. So there is a foolproof plan who hovers, cleans, does the dishes, the laundry etc, so there is no weaseling out. Just write it all up on paper and glue it onto the wall. If there aren't any rules, there will always be anyone mooching off the others food/good will.
Those are the usual issues when living together, don't be alarmed. If she doesn't pay up, don't buy food for anymore, simple as...
/edit:
upon further reading the thread:
as already someone else said: It's her cash. If she prefers to spend it on cinema visits and not on food, that's her choice, which does not mean you have to buy stuff for her. Take her literally: she says she's skint and provides her own food: end of it. Just go shopping for you and your other friend and split the bill between you.
If she starts 'stealing' food of you, she hasn't paid for, this might be a whole new kind of problem, but let's not take this too far yet...
relax. The wiser head gives in. The few pounds you spent on her are annoying, but I guess you can live without those few bucks.
Now where you look after yourself and she looks out for herself, I guess the problems are solved. I'd still recommend making a weekly plan to distribute certain chores, everyone agrees too, because that is your only argument, if someone tries to escape his duties.
It sounds like nazi germany, but without rules and guidelines there will always be someone who lives off the wallet/patience of the others...