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when friends don't feel like friends
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
One of my closest friends (of almost twenty years) has recently been making me question our friendship. She has always seemed a quite insecure person, sometimes boasting about her achievements and sometimes sneering at others. I have always told myself that this is down to her insecurity rather than any innate nastiness.
Just lately she has become increasingly successful in her career and moved to a large house in a fashionable area. She travels and holidays in exotic places. I am happy for her and take the opportunity to congratulate her on her achievements. My own achievements are less impressive, but I am happy with a lovely partner and home. We don't have pots of cash but I feel no need to compare or compete.
However, on the last few occasions we've spent time together, my friend has made several unkind remarks about where I live (in a remote part of the country... which I love), my lack of material possessions (.... of which I have no need) and her partner now seems to be joining in on the joke about their "country-mice friends"! The last weekend we spent together he seemed to be goading me to react. It is all meant, I think, in good humour but I am finding it increasingly hurtful and upsetting. I have been questioning whether there is anything that I am doing or saying to provoke their actions or perhaps I am being over-sensitive and paranoid.
The confusing thing is that, apart from these occasions, my friend is funny and loving, if a little self-centred. I feel that I want to tell her how hurtful her actions are but am aware that she does not take kindly to criticism of any kind and can become very defensive and even a little aggressive when challenged. Again I put this down to her insecurities and accept that nobody is perfect.
Am I making excuses for my friend and should I let her know my feelings or should I just 'rise above it' and simply distance myself as my partner advises?
Just lately she has become increasingly successful in her career and moved to a large house in a fashionable area. She travels and holidays in exotic places. I am happy for her and take the opportunity to congratulate her on her achievements. My own achievements are less impressive, but I am happy with a lovely partner and home. We don't have pots of cash but I feel no need to compare or compete.
However, on the last few occasions we've spent time together, my friend has made several unkind remarks about where I live (in a remote part of the country... which I love), my lack of material possessions (.... of which I have no need) and her partner now seems to be joining in on the joke about their "country-mice friends"! The last weekend we spent together he seemed to be goading me to react. It is all meant, I think, in good humour but I am finding it increasingly hurtful and upsetting. I have been questioning whether there is anything that I am doing or saying to provoke their actions or perhaps I am being over-sensitive and paranoid.
The confusing thing is that, apart from these occasions, my friend is funny and loving, if a little self-centred. I feel that I want to tell her how hurtful her actions are but am aware that she does not take kindly to criticism of any kind and can become very defensive and even a little aggressive when challenged. Again I put this down to her insecurities and accept that nobody is perfect.
Am I making excuses for my friend and should I let her know my feelings or should I just 'rise above it' and simply distance myself as my partner advises?
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Comments
you've been friends for 20 years - can you not just be honest with her?
situations change people. thats life. but i think the best thing is to tell her and see if she makes the effort to be more considerate.
I feel like I'm obsessing over this, going over different ways of bringing it up, how much I should say etc. and I'm starting to drive myself mad!! The problem is we live about 200 miles apart these days and I don't want our next telephone conversation to end in bad feeling (which I think it will as she don't like being criticised and tends to always think she's right). I guess I'm just being a bit of a drip, my partner says I should just see her for what she is and ignore her / laugh at her.
Will bring it up gently next time we speak I think and take it from there....
I'm no rich man either, but my - let's say - friends with more possessions tend to watch out for me, pay for me (sometimes) and would NEVER say something about material status to me, let alone think it (except the occasional joke. I don't like them much tho, they understand and stop it then).
If a old friend like that starts to look down on me, that person is no longer a friend. Not only because I say so, but because it disputes against the DEFINITION of a friend.
/e: on the other hand, maybe the aforegoing posters are a bit wiser about that. It might be just that she's dizzy from shooting up the social ladder that quickly. It is true that you can pin that behaviour down on her insecurites, but that doesn't make it ok or acceptable!
Tell her you live your life, with your partner, and your material status and you love everything about it and that it hurts you that she's talking it down as if you were inferior to her. You've been friends for such a long time and you think it as a poor behavior that she's looking down on you in such a way - playful or not.
might be the better solution. I tend to be a bit radical at that stuff.
I feel like you dont think of me as an equal anymore, some of the things you say upset me sometimes, and im wondering if thats how you really think of me.