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Long term relationship with someone less intelligent?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Just curious your opinions. Barring everything else (i.e., emotional intelligence, etc.) - how do you feel about a relationship with someone significantly less intelligent than you? I really mean barring all else (assume they are great in every other way). I'm just curious, reading a short story made me think of this.
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Initially wasn't a problem, but I started to get frustrated by his total lack of comprehension over my academic life, he had no idea what I was talking about and seemed somewhat baffled by my need to read/study and do coursework.
It also got mildly frustrating when I found myself having to turn down my language between talking to him and talking to friends from 6th form.
That said, that was 6th form age when school etc is a big part ofyour life, whether it would be different now I don't knw.
Ok, the last part was a joke... But for me, if the person isn't intelligent, doesn't question the world and doesn't read books then it turns me off instantly.
Well it's not like I sit them down and be all "JOKE TIME, I GOT THIS FROM A CRACKER!", it's usually spur of the moment in response to something that happened/something someone said.
And no; other, smarter people in the group at the time actually got the jokes :razz:
I love my boyfriend to bits but academically at GCSE (his furthest education) he got 10 C's I think which in no way is bad but I got 5 A*s and 2 A's and 3 B's.
I'm now at college doing A levels and he does an aprentaship type thing (God I sound intelligent
It really annoys me when I have work to do either just studying or actual coursework and he's always like 'Just sack it off' so we can do something. He doesn't understand or maybe care about my grades.
I know he is actually quite intelligent though and chooses not to make the most of it. It may be something to do with his friends (in my eyes retards the lot of them!).
However he's got intelligence I dont have, like is more 'street smart' and I often get called ditzy
Anyway back to the OP I don't think I could go out with someone I'd class as having a low level of intelligence but a little difference doesn't make that much difference.
He could hold his own on any topic, has met more people than I have have ten times over, has acted, danced, been to hell and back, is well-read, well-travelled, open-minded, big-hearted. For me that all goes into somebody's character and emotional intelligence, how much of the world they've let into their head and their heart. I'd sooner have this emotional intelligence than academic success/good track record, it says nothing of the person other than they were blessed with a brain that's skilled in certain areas. Meh, I'm rambling.
Yes, you can have a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't have the same academic record as you do. Probably better that way, to be honest. Even better not to care about that shit, it becomes apparent at some point (can't pinpoint when exactly) that it's... irrelevant.
I myself "only" studied Nursing at University, and the world seemingly never tires of throwing people in my path who think that shows some inferior intelligence/lack of ambition/inability to hold a textbook up the right way etc.
What i have seen is people who get straight A's are just machines. They have no common sense. And just machines and machines and machines.
Brilliant that one, no one who gets straight As could possible have any common sense.....
:rolleyes:
Also I think really good academic qualifications just mean that you are good at and probably enjoy writing essays, reading and doing exams, which I am, but I wouldn't have a clue how to sort my car out if it broke down, how to fix something in my house etc. Plus there are so many more life experiences my current partner has had from spending a few years in the army and working abroad that I will NEVER have, and I think life experience is a great form of intelligence.
If we are talking academic terms, then it seems like I've always gone for people who are less "intelligent" then me, but it is because I really value their life experience. I've spent so much time around students and people that have just graduated that it is nice to have a partner who comes from a completely different background. As long as we both respect what is important for the other, then I don't see it as an issue.
I really don't care about people's education, as long as they have a good heart. However, one of my ex girlfriends was pretty stupid when it came to general knowledge. She did ok in school, got good grades e.t.c, but she didn't know anything about the world...locations of countries, capital cities, politics, history e.t.c, and stuff like that is very important to know about in my opinion. She didn't even seem to care, she had no opinions on anything and when I tried to explain to her about something she'd just tell me she didn't really give a shit. lol That really frustrated me at times and was probably another factor for me breaking up with her eventually.
I would say its not even people who are getting Straight A's, its most of us, we just go to uni etc, just to get one piece of paper (degree), no matter we know what we are doing or not. No personal development in unis, just giving us some skills needed to make some money. The real subject we have to care about is philosophy, religion, politics, psychology, they have to be core, because these are things which makes us a real HUMAN otherwise we are just animals, wake up and go around to get some food, have sex and sleep at night.
hay where i am discussing this whole thing, i should have to make a new thread in politics and debate about "What is real Intelligence" what you all think?
Yes, there are exceptions but not often.
I hit it once off with a girl, who did practically nothing, but sitting at home, and doing just a few useless courses and stuff she needed to do, so she could still be on welfare until, they gave her a job. She did not seem very eager for a job and had no higher education. Glad I missed that one in the end.
Being a student I maybe became "picky" in that department, but intelligence became a really important factor for me, because that's something that will persist even after a lot of years, unlike looks, money, or "that feeling in your tummy that tells you s/he is the right person". Of course I do not speak of the cold, know-it-all intelligence, what many people seem to associate.
I don't know what existed longer, my pickiness, or the feeling of being inadequate among dumb people (doesn't obgligatory have to be knowledge-intelligence, more like social smarts, wisdom, bein 'quick' (if you get what i mean)), but I just feel weird among people who work 9-5 each day, live a live like in the movie "groundhog day", and on monday they just live for the next weekend to get plastered, as if I do not belong, as if I got nothing to say, as if nothing they tell me, would be of interest.
I suck in explaining stuff, but I do not mean "She got just A's in organic chemistry, molecular biology,... etc."-intelligence, but more like general stuff, having the ambition to educate yourself. Read a book, being inquisitive about science, technology, politics, geography...
"too much" intelligence, as in having austistic traits is not what I am talking about.
very important factor.
I think this is a questionable issue because you say 'assume they are great in every other way except for being intelligent' as far as I'm concerned someone can't be 'great in every other way' without being intelligent. It takes intelligence of different kinds to get things right in a relationship whether that be emotional intelligence, practical intelligence or any kind of intelligence. I'm guessing that what you might actually mean is less intellectual? OR actually a preferable way of putting it might be - a lack of interest in the topics/issues/whatever that really matter to you?
Having just written all this - I've now just read Matt Liverpools post and he pretty much says the same thing.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're academic or have a fistful of qualifications, though I must say that all these attacks on "academic snobbery" seem a bit harsh. TBH people up here at uni are significantly more intelligent than most of the population and to me that's a very attractive thing. Also they are mostly dedicated to learning - which again can be a massive plus point (when combined with social skills...). I don't see what's snobbish about that...I've been out with non academic and academic people, and all other things being equal I don't see what's wrong with preferring intelligent, broadly academic blokes.
Don't you think it's shallow though to judge people on whether they've gone to University or not, and prefer them?
I mean, it's not unusual, 'studies have shown' that women tend to go for smarter / more successful men - it's just plain more attractive.
But I've travelled a little bit and found people with more interesting opinions than people at Uni who read something in a book and don't question it, but rather relish the opportunity to smite others with their 'superior intellect'.
The odd thing is most people I meet at uni don't tend to be (as) judgemental but there seems to be a common link in this thread about academics saying they would actively prefer people they data to have more intelligence / go to university, and even an underlying implication that those who haven't gone to university somehow don't want to learn / aren't capable.
Everyone's entitled to their tastes though, whether it's for tall, slim, intelligent, charismatic or worldly.
I think I agree most with Briggi. Education doesn't make you automatically better, it's what you do with it.
I can safely say that being at university, I have met some truly genuinely stupid people. Not just doing so called 'soft' courses either. I have met people doing maths and physics who seem to lack basic intelligence.
It, of course, matters how you define intelligence. I would class it as not only having expertise in your field, but a vague and basic understanding of the concepts behind other fields. The ability to comprehend and appreciate the complexities of the world that we live in. It's not derived from a superior knowledge of facts, what the most complicated thing you know is... In my opinion, true intelligence is demonstrated by a worldliness.
In that respect, someone I went to school with left school after his GCSEs - he instead decided to work whilst he completed an Open University BEng, then and MEng and I believe he's soon to move to America to begin work on a PhD. He's only 20. He spends his spare time writing books on physics/engineering based home projects. Chosing a different path from the classical does not a fool make.
Back to the original purpose of the question - no, I don't think I could date someone who was unintelligent. I would just get bored. I actively avoid conversation with people who lack intelligence, I inevitably end up zoning out completely and sitting there with a completely vacant bored expression on my face, occasionally saying something completely random. I can't deal with it. I would rather be on my own than put up with incredibly dull and unintelligent conversation. I need people around me to be ambitious, interested, I need them to be thinkers...
If you met someone and you couldnt hold a conversation together, then how on earth would it develop into a relationship anyway???