"I don't want a relationship"

Former Member

I was with a guy for about 4 months. We both came out of long term relationships in January but when we met we just loved each others company so much. We spent everyday together, and he really wanted to make it official. So we started dating, he told me he loved me and that i was so perfect for him. I really love him too, he makes me a better person and I feel like he completes me. I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years but i never felt for him like i do for this guy.

So 2 weeks ago, we got into a little arguement, the first one actually, and after that he jsut started being really cold towards me. I broke up with him a week after but he called me back 4 hours later and said that he realy didnt want to be without me. he said i love you so much and im sorry for everything. so we got back together but things didnt change, they got worse. We didnt see each other for a week, and the phone calls reduced to once a day for 5 min. I saw him on thursday and i was a little annoyed at the whole situation. thats when he told me that he is just acting the way he feels and that he thought he was ready for a relationship but he is not. He said he wants to keep me in his life because u never know what the future can hold for us.

I broke up with him because i thought it was the best thing. He sent me text messages, and he told me that he loves me so much and if he wanted a relationship it would be with me. He tells everyone that he is stupid because i am so perfect but he doesnt know what is wrong with him.

I am so hurt, i cry all the time because i think that he did not tell me something. maybe he met someone else, although i know he is not that type of person. Someone please tell me what to do. Should i continue to talk to him as friends? or is it not worth my time and effort? I miss him dearly. and the more he tells me that he loves me the more my heart breaks.

Former Member

You know yopu say that after the first argument things continued to get worse? Well did you let the argument go or did you or your boyfriend keep refering to it etc?

There sounds like a small possibility that he doesn't want to get hurt and that because you were the one who ended it with him he feels insecure so is putting up barriers to stop getting hurt again?

Former Member

the arguement was over something really small. he called me one night and was being really quite when i asked him why he wasnt saying anything he replied "because i have nothing to say right now". i thought it was really rude the way he answered me so i said ok goodnight. the next day, he didnt call me. i called him around 3 and he was angry because he thought i was being rude to him. He was yelling as i was telling him to lower his voice. he said he was bothered that i got mad for now reason. It was a really small arguement that should have never been unresolved before i went to bed that night

I broke up with him the first time because i told him to take some time to think about what he wants. He was telling me about how he is confused and thats why he was being weird and acting like my friend when we went on a double date the night before.

It was a mutual choice, we both thought that we should take time to think about what we wanted. I didnt think he was going to call me back in 4 hours. i thought it would take a few days. When he called i was so surprised, i thought it was really what he wanted. but then he didnt change and still treated me only as a friend.

I dont' know what to do.

Former Member

AW. I wish I knew how to help. Sounds like a pretty typical small row to start with but one which maybe has taken on extra importance and significance. Maybe he felt like you were accusing him of something, maybe you felt you could sense something in his tone. I never know what's the best thing to do. If you ask someone if they are ok all the time then it can get annoying, but if you try to ignore it and hide the fact that the other persons behaviour is worrying or upsetting you then it only comes out later but much worse.

Maybe try talking to him quietly and without accusing him? My mum always told me to try to use language like 'it makes me feel like....' rather than 'you did this and that' , because then the other person feels less like they are being attacked. It's really hard to get right though.

I guess at the end of the day you have to decide if he (and his personality) is someone you can see yourself being happy with again?

Former Member

Not sure why he thinks he loves you. Does he really? Does he know what loving someone really is?

Former Member

Sounds to me like he's not ready, maybe he's overcome by his feelings of love for spending time with you - you make him happy, feel safe, feel secure and feel wanted - but he's not ready to feel committed because things like your tone of voice can make him upset and want you to 'conform' to some rules (like not being upset when it's not convenient).

It's a tricky situation but when you're in limbo the best solution might be to have some time form each other. Mabye you'll meet some other peope an forget about it - and you'll both be better off - or amybe you'll solve some issues that were there and get back together - agian, both be better off. But if you stay in a relationshio where neither are you are happy (is it even a relationship at this oint anyway?) the youre just dragging each other down and it's a waste of life - you only get 60 years as I see it and 1/3 of that is wasted on the youth before you realise how precious the moments ou spend with people are and end up spening all your time on an online discussion board.