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Disability and sex
Pearly
Posts: 345 The Mix Regular
Hi all, I'm researching for some new content on TheSite.org on sexual health and disability. We will have a range of new articles/factsheets for anyone who wants to know more about sex, dating, sexual health and disability, as well as some real life content.
I have two things to ask you (whether you are disabled or not) and I'd be really interested to hear from any of you on your opinions of the following... (or if you have anything else interesting to say on the subject)
Also... If anyone has an interesting story regarding disability for our true story section of the website and would like to have their say, then please feel free to PM me. Names can be changed.
Thanks so much :wave:
I have two things to ask you (whether you are disabled or not) and I'd be really interested to hear from any of you on your opinions of the following... (or if you have anything else interesting to say on the subject)
- If you are disabled, how is sex for you, or how do you feel about sex, whether it be the act or even people's perceptions of disability and sex?
- Would it put you off someone in a romantic way if they were disabled?
- What would be your main worry about sex with someone with a disability?
- What do you find sexy about your partner?
http://www.youreable.com/TwoShare/getPage/01News/01Current/Past%20features/What%20does%20your%20partner%20find%20sexy%20about%20your%20disability - What's your general perception of sex and disability - is it still considered a taboo subject?
Also... If anyone has an interesting story regarding disability for our true story section of the website and would like to have their say, then please feel free to PM me. Names can be changed.
Thanks so much :wave:
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As I mentioned earlier the title I wrote was quite general as we will be expanding our content at a later date, so the thread is open to anyone who wants to talk about any kind of disability - I just wanted to alert you all to the fact that the content on physical disability is the stuff that's going up first. But I get what you mean and sorry for any confusion...
Saying that, we do have an article going up on dating and disability that covers learning disabilities, but that doesn't focus on Sex. Any feedback is appreciated, it's all interesting stuff and it's all about you for you so it's great to have your opinions.
I've got hemiplegia, caused by damage to the part of my brain which controls the left hand side of my body, therefore I walk with a bit of a limp and have little control over my left hand, plus my brain sends it random signals causing it to wiggle, well, randomly!
If you are disabled, how is sex for you, or how do you feel about sex, whether it be the act or even people's perceptions of disability and sex?
I've always felt pretty concious about people's first impressions of me, convinced that the first thing they'd notice would be my walk or my hand, so I always assumed that any relationships etc. would have to develop from friendships because my hemiplegia would put people off from more 'instant' attraction. Not so. I got together with my bloke the first time I met him, and whilst it was drunken, the fact we exchanged numbers the following morning and are still together 6.5 years on is a clue that he didn't wake up and think, "oh my god, what am I doing with that spastic?!"
As I've said before, my hemiplegia really hardly affects me, but it makes me a lot more one handed than most people, so on occasion I've worried whether that makes me disappointing during foreplay etc., but again, the fact that my boyfriend hasn't tired of me yet suggests that that's mostly paranoia (or the fact that it would be off-putting enough for him to break up with me is anyway).
About half of girls I get to know and then proceed to ask out seem to get embarrassed and can't even give me a straight 'no' :rolleyes:
Do you know that's because of your disability though? Could just be that the disability is making them embarrassed to say no rather than being their reason for not wanting to. Although of course there's no way you can know which one it is, but it'll be better for your confidence to assume the former unless you get proof to the contrary - and if you do, well, the girl probably isn't worth it.
I didn't have a scrap of attention from anyone before I started university (although to be fair there wasn't really anyone I liked at school anyway) and in my first couple of years at school I got teased a bit ("walk properly!" snigger snigger), but when I got to Bristol I had one of those typical embarrassing freshers week things (went out with the first guy that showed me any attention for a couple of weeks, before realising that you can't actually force feelings that aren't there
I did actually mean what you said in the second sentence. That's still caused by my disability though...
In other words you took the coward's way out! There would be no issues about what to leave in, what to leave out if your final sentence were true
I must admit now a huge slice of hypocracy that I quite often feel, I dunno, nervous, uncomfortable around disabled people at first, and so for me, if I were single and all that, I probably wouldn't be instantly attracted to someone with a physical problem (although I suppose it would depend on how good looking he was!!), I would probably need to get to know them better first. I feel really horrible about this, because I hate to think that people may judge me for having a limp, and yet I carry exactly the same prejudices. A thorny subject indeed.
It is a shame that as human beings we do all carry some sort of prejudices against other people for whatever reason. I admit, I probably wouldn't be attracted to someone with a disability at first but then again neither am I attracted at first to short men. I do know however, that a disability wouldn't stand in the way if I really liked someone or if something happened to a loved one that caused them to become disabled.
:yes: I'm not saying there would be no chance of anything happening, just that it would maybe stand in the way at first, and of course if something happened to a partner it would make no difference to the love I'd feel for them.
I've no idea how noticeable my hemiplegia is at first or how much of a limp I have. That's the trouble with not being able to see myself with other people's eyes...could just be that I'm over-aware of it, so it's hard to judge how much it affects people's first encounters with me
I did a really interesting interview with a 19 year-old girl today who has RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSD), also known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). She told me how things have changed in her relationship since she developed symptoms of RSD, and how she has learnt to adapt to trying new things during sex to help deal with the pain. You will see it up on TheSite.org in the next few weeks...
Let me know if you want to tell me your story on this subject of sexual health and disability, and if there's a preferred way of doing it, either writing it yourself with my guidance, over the phone, or via a chat room if you have problems using the phone through a disability as I did with the girl today.
I'm glad you found yourself a good interviewee. As my hemiplegia really has no ill effect on my sex life, most of my comments ended up being more about first impressions than sex per se! Would be interesting to know whether hemiplegia or similar things causing severe one-handednes makes it difficult for blokes putting on condoms? I suppose if so and the guy is sensible he could get his partner to do it, making it part of foreplay rather than an 'issue'.
I would have no issue with having sex with someone with a disability. Let's say they're in a wheelchair, for instance. I spoke a few years ago to a distant friend who was in a wheelchair herself. The topic of sex came up, and she described how difficult it was to find a guy who recognised she had sexual desires. I'd assume that someone in a wheelchair could still have sex, just means there are some limitations to sexual positions. Mind you, that's not an issue - just means you gotta be imaginative, I suppose!
Yeah, I reckon that must come up frequently as one of the biggest issues/ frustrations on this topic. That and people assuming that 'disabled' people will only want to go for 'disabled' people.
:yes: once the attraction hurdle had been passed I see no difficulty with the sex itself. There may indeed be a few compromises (like me not being able to use both hands), but hey, isn't that what relationships are about
I guess I can seem overly sensitive... and maybe I am, but I just wanted to say what I thought.
Hadn't noticed that, it's a very good point. Although there may be a need to be able to see beyond the disability (which may take seconds, it may take rather longer), the actual variety of reasons for finding the person sexy is going to be exactly the same as for every other couple. Never has my boyfriend said to me, 'I luurve the way your fingers wiggle and your left wrist is always bent at that classic cerebal palsy angle, it turns me on sooooo much'
But, bluewisdom, I doubt any malice was meant by the question, just a slight lack of brain cell engagement (no offence, Pearly).
The reason for this question was following some research done on these pages (I guess I should have mentioned that at the time of asking the question so as to avoid any confusion):
http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/timetotalksex/survey_007.htm
http://www.youreable.com/TwoShare/getPage/01News/01Current/Past%20features/What%20does%20your%20partner%20find%20sexy%20about%20your%20disability
It made for some interesting quotes and one of the new articles will cover the issue of low self esteem, which is something many of us deal with, and no doubt affects people with disabilities. I wanted to see some positive messages for a subject that still seems to be surrounded by stigmas...
So it wasn't a lack of brain cell engagement thankyou!!!
OK, point taken, it WAS a valid question! That second article especially was very interesting, I s'pose I'd taken it for granted that sexiness/attraction would be despite rather than because of any disability. But there are people, according to the article, that have fetishes for stumps and 'legbags', was it, and then of course there are scars and the like. I have quite a few small scars around my stomach and chest from having things prodded in me as a tiny baby...I suppose in a certain lights they could look quite cute :razz:
Glad it's been cleared up though!
Possibly at first I didnt find him too attractive, but as I got to know him he had other qualities to like such as his personality that glowed over his disability.
I also knew of other friends who liked him and shared intimate moments with thim, so he wasnt shy of attention!
This person is now happily married with a lovely lady, and I believe they are now expecting!
Main worries at first may be seen to be a bit naive, such as concern about wether they could. But I realise now these thoughts are very naive as of course everyone has sexual urges, whether you have a disability or not.
There are some very interesting points in this thread; an interesting topic of discussion.
First of all, don't get work up about it. You should be open to your other half about hypermobility syndrome, how it affects you, and explain that he might have to be very gentle and patient at first whilst you work out what works best for you. I'm sure when it comes down to it you'll have plenty of fun finding out! As stargalaxy said, all it needs is a bit of imagination.....
(now you've just got to find yourself a good other half to experiment with, yeah?
I have Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and am confined to a power-wheelchair. It is a progressive disability that progressed to this. The disability that I have does not affect my sexual function in anyway except for the fact that I am not able to have sex in some positions. I have sex with my girlfriend almost every night. We first met at a High School Prom and she has been with me for 3 years. I am now 20 years old and she is 19 years old. I also am getting slightly stronger now that I am taking Deflazacourt, a medical steroid, and she can ride me longer without me getting tired. I also take Carvadalol, a heart medication to lower blood pressure, so I can have a longer erection and not get my blood pressure too high. What adds to the experience is that I have muscle spasms while I am having sex, I have muscle spasms most of the time anyways so why not use them to my advantage. The drugs that I take were prescribed by my doctor for my disability but since I have to take them, why not use them to make sex feel better and last longer.
There are four new fact sheet and check out Natalie's story.