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making all the effort.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i've been with my boyfriend for almost four months now, after us being mates for a couple of years. he's fancied me for most of that time, and i must admit i'm totally addicted to him. thing is, despite all the lovely things he says to me, he never really makes much of an effort to arrange things; like, it's always me phoning him or asking him to come over. i feel like, although he says i mean the world to him, he needs to prove it.
i like him so much, it gets me paranoid that he's going to hurt me like my last boyfriend did. how can i feel better about things?
i like him so much, it gets me paranoid that he's going to hurt me like my last boyfriend did. how can i feel better about things?
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:yes: And tell your boyfriend about how you fel and what it is you want.
:no: It's one way, but not always the case. My fella very rarely is the one to phone me or suggest what we should do...but it isn't through a lack of effort it's just the sort of person he is and it doesn't mean he's not thinking about me or wanting to do things.
Surely the best way to judge your relationship is by how happy you are?
She sounds happy from what I can see, but maybe he's stuck in the habit of always having her phone him and arrange stuff and it'd be nice for her to have it the other way about sometimes.
I'd talk to him about it, though. Maybe the insecurity stuff too, always better out in the open than letting it fester.
:yes: Although it is difficult to not let past relationships influence your thoughts and actions in current ones.
My best friend is in the same position, but she is naturally highly organised and he is naturally laid back, so it works for them. If it's bothering you, speak to him and say you wish he would initiate (sp?) things a bit more. I'm sure it's not that he's not thinking about you, he probably just doesn't think to phone you, especially if you call him first!
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Some people want it all, and I can understand that, but happiness is the key.
As for the OP, you need to talk to him about this because it clearly isn't making you happy to have to do all the running.
You shouldn't, though, compare him to previous boyfriend. Just because that one broke you heart, doesn't mean that the next one will.
Ive been told im being paranoid, and that i think too much, and that she seems really happy around me...
As for the OP, try talking to him, see what his feelings are...maybe he prefers your house to his for example?
Wouldn't get all whiney and that by nagging him to make effort cos it might push him away but just be honest.
i am happy: don't get me wrong. it just wouldn't kill him to make an effort.
"My best friend is in the same position, but she is naturally highly organised and he is naturally laid back, so it works for them."
-that's basically the same situation.
"My fella very rarely is the one to phone me or suggest what we should do...but it isn't through a lack of effort it's just the sort of person he is and it doesn't mean he's not thinking about me or wanting to do things."
-i suppose you're right: i know he cares for me.
"I'm sure it's not that he's not thinking about you, he probably just doesn't think to phone you."
-i'm pretty sure that's all it is.
i think i'm just being weary because i've let him really get under my skin and i've never been this into someone before.
Exactly. The whole being mates for ages before puts a lot of build-up onto the relationship and makes it feel like there's a lot at stake, but really, that's a good thing! It's lovely to have that history with someone. I think everyone over-analyses things when they're really into someone.
whenever i have doubt about anything, he always proves me wrong. always. i think that just shows how silly i'm being.
Then wait for HIM to call, don't jump in there. Give him a chance to call. Sadly guys - regardless of how much they like you - aren't the kind to phone up every 2 seconds so you need be patient.
As for arranging more things, I've had that problem before - the only way to tackle it is to just tell them how you feel. You could try hinting, like "X's boyfriend suprised her with a meal last week, isn't that sweet?" and he might pick up on it?
I have come to believe that there are two types of guys - those who think and those who don't - the ones who think will always be thinking of things to do, the others won't, no matter how much you tell them. But, it doesnt reflect how they feel about you, they just seem to miss the proactive gene.
Took a year and a half to get there with my boyfriend, although turns out he wasn't sure what he wanted, but we've sorted it all and aside from when he said I wasn't slim last week (I am! different interpretations of the word) and I was hormonal and overreacted, we haven't had a problem since.
But that's a good sign!!
this has actually been really helpful: it's made me realise that he just doesn't think. my mum is always getting on my case about it, calling him "lacklustre" which got to me a bit. i'm not making excuses for him. i know him better than my mum does, after all.